Monday, September 15, 2008


I decided to try out my make-up before the wedding.

I have been tanning, because with my pathetically white skin I looked like a corpse in my beige dress. I know, I know, I wouldn’t have believed it either if you had told me I would do such a thing. But I did.

Anyway, as I am now a whole different color (a color that I do not think actually occurs in nature), I had to buy new foundation. While poking around the make-up department, I saw false eyelashes. Because my sister was not there to say “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!?!”, I bought them.

Now I have to tell you [yet another reason that it is a very good thing that I am in therapy], I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror. So I always put my makeup on using a little tiny mirror, doing one piece of my face at a time. Then I take a quick glance to make sure everything matches and I’m on my way.

Besides the obvious, there are certain disadvantages to this method. Like occasionally being really, really surprised at the outcome. And not pleasantly surprised either.

Last night I put on my new makeup on using my teeny little mirror. I put on my false eyelashes and a nice dramatic, dark lipstick. I brushed my curly hair. Well, beat it into submission anyway. I was stoked, certain of stunning results. I looked at the finished product in the bathroom mirror. I was stunned alright.

I have only one word for what I saw. One word repeated over and over.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaahhahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I looked like my father in drag.

(N.B.: NOT that I have ever seen my father in drag!! Or that I know of any occurrence of him being in drag. It’s just I look like him and I looked like him with a ton of makeup on. Yikes, way to start rumors!!)

I couldn’t stop laughing as I peeled and scrubbed everything off. Why I am laughing I do not know. Anyone with half a brain would be weeping and having nightmares for weeks. I found it hilarious.

I don’t know what I am going to do that day, but it won’t be that scary clown get-up. No offense Dad.


Patti said...

You just reminded me how much I miss you. Your writing style, your sense of humor.....Marie, you are just awesome in my book!

Marie said...

HI PATTI!!!! Oh, I have missed you too, was just thinking about you!! We have to catch up!

Thanks for your comment. Awesome, eh? I looked pretty dang awesome last night I can tell you that!! lol lol

Da Old Man said...

Suggest to your son he has a kabuki themed wedding.

janet said...

you always make me laugh, i swear my reasons for coming here are totally selfish, just to make myself smile

Jane Turley said...

When I read that bit about a "corpse in a beige dress"..... I thought I'd tuned into Joan River's blog.....

I wonder if the false eyelashes would work on David Duchovny?? He must be getting pretty deperate by now....

DK said...

I'm sure your father would make a lovely drag queen, should he ever choose to do so....

....although now you know to phone ahead and have your sister call him with her sage advice...

...which, ps, when properly rendered, I almost always find "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!?!!?!" to be useful advice. Smart sis ya got there.

Marie said...

Joe - I can see the look of horror on my son's face now, as he has lost ALL sense of humor.

Janet - Hope all is well with you! I am glad I make you smile. I know I totally crack myself up. lol

Jane - ooooh!! Brilliant!!! I'll bet that would be just the thing to wrest David away from Tea Leoni!! I think she is vastly overrated anyway. A drop dead gorgeous blonde?!?! How obvious!

Kate - oh, my poor father, if he ever knew!! He is such an old-fashioned and slightly sheltered gentleman. He would be mortified.

My sister is one smart cookie. Too bad it doesn't trickle up!

Patti said...

Ohhh...the smarts trickled up just fine. Me thinks you are a tad too hard on yourself.

Anyone who can make both me and Janet laugh can't be all that bad!