Keeping Positive

Progress

Four weeks ago I stepped on a scale for the first time in probably 14 years and got…um…a number. The following week, that number was three less. Then I went on steroids and the three came back. Last week I lost nothing. Then this morning I weighed myself again and I was two less. Now what color was the conductor’s hat? ha ha Sorry, I couldn’t resist an old arithmetic joke.

So I am still up by one pound but at least I lost the two. My goal is to lose five pounds at a time and celebrate that milestone each time. I still haven’t hit my first documented five pounds, but I will!

The Hard Part

The hardest part for me is the Obsession. I am obsessed with not eating.

I am not dieting. I know I have to change my entire lifestyle. But I do plan what I am going to eat. And right now if I eat something I didn’t plan on, I am sick about it.

I don’t see this as particularly healthy behavior. And it makes me very, very cranky.

I am not hungry, I am not feeling deprived, I just worry all the time that I will seriously overeat and never lose the weight I have to lose. What I want to do is not think about food all the time and how I am going to avoid it.

If I do eat something unplanned, I want to enjoy it. That is really my goal, to not beat myself up over "lapses" and to get right back on track. Because, as someone so helpfully commented here, making more good choices than bad is what it is all about. And that is what has to be forever.

Is anyone else Obsessed? How do you cope with that constant fear and vigilance? Does it pass?

Tricks

In trying to keep on track, I have developed some tricks.

· To make sure I have a sense of food amounts by sight, I practiced measuring portions with water.
· I take very small bites and chew them thoroughly. I chew them to death.
· I use a salad fork and a small plate so I will eat smaller portions.
· I brush my teeth and wash my hands as soon as I’ve eaten something to get rid of any traces of food.

In other words, I am turning into a world class weirdo.

HELP!!! I’m obsessed.

Four weeks into this ordeal, oops, I mean this exercise in developing healthy habits (groan), I can’t think about anything else. I am terrified I will blow this and let myself and everyone else down.

So I will spend this weekend calming myself down and doing the best I can. That’s all I can think of doing.

Surprise!

Since I weighed myself and lived, I took the next big step [leap?] and actually bought a scale. Eeek!! Remarkably enough, there were a couple of good things about this. First, scales were on sale at Target. I have never priced scales before, previously sneering in derision as I passed them in the store. Of course, the laugh was on me as I got fatter and fatter.

Second, I lost three pounds!!! Yay!!!

This was a thrilling surprise. I did not have a good weekend. I went to a dinner party on Saturday where I had a massive piece of lasagna, only because I couldn’t cut it in half with the server and I was holding up the buffet line. Honest. HONEST! I could have eaten just half of it, but I didn’t want to offend my hostess.

No, that is absolutely not true. She didn’t even make it herself. The fact is it was awesome and I devoured it like a wolverine.

On Sunday morning I figured, in for a penny in for a pound (literally), so I got a scone from Panera. And ate it with butter. Yummy. Then I went to a St. Patrick’s Day party at my son’s. More food I never would have eaten if I had stuck to my plans.

So I anticipated a depressing result this morning. But instead, I am three pounds less than I was last Monday. Because I am never happy, I would have preferred it was like, 60 pounds. But even I recognize that is unreasonable.

If I hadn’t bought the scale, I would have just assumed I had blown it this weekend and would have been totally beating myself up over it. Instead, I can see that the effort I’m putting into this is paying off.

Now I just have to sustain it.

Losing?

I hesitate to think it, never mind say it but…I think I might be losing. Gasp! My clothes are looser. My boobs are no longer oozing out of my bra like the Blob chasing Steve McQueen. I feel…better? I’m not sure what it is to feel better, so it is taking me a while to recognize it.

I still do not have the courage to get on a scale. If I really knew how much I actually weighed, I would have to go lie down in traffic.

I am swimming a lot. I was on the swim team in college, in the Pliocene Era, and loved to backstroke. So that is what I am doing now. It is so calming, I lose count of the laps and just keep going. I learned stretching exercises for the pool from the personal trainer that have really helped my flexibility and the spasticity in my limbs.

So all this stuff is helping. Who’d a thunk it!?

No More Goat Cheese?!?!

I’ve been keeping track of what I’m eating on Fitday and it has been a real eye opener. I’m taking in about 500 calories more than I thought each day, putting me in the 1700 to 1800 range instead of the 1200 – 1300 that I feel like I need to stay in in order to lose.

I have this awesome salad for lunch everyday – spring greens, goat cheese, pecans, chicken and balsamic vinaigrette dressing. But it appears the goat cheese and pecans (the best part!!) are ramping up the calories. I might as well have pizza!!

Then there are the cookies. My idea of a thrilling treat (too sad!) is two cookies and a cup of tea. I found these great little cookies at a local gourmet market. They were perfect. I thought. After a week of sucking them down, I checked the calories to add to Fitday. One hundred and fifty calories EACH. My “harmless” little dessert was packing on another 300 calories.

When I initially realized this, the first thing I did was, of course, beat myself up. What a pig, how stupid, etc. Then I felt sorry for myself. Poor me, I’ll never have goat cheese again.

But I was talking to a dear friend tonight and she reminded me, it’s not forever.

Right now I have to really cut back to get where I want to be. But once I reach that goal, I can ease up a little, add back things I like, I just have to be careful and keep things moderate.

Thanks, Heather Feather! :)

HELP!!!

I am the 50-something mother of four. I used to be a size 10, even after kids. Then my husband died and I went to work full time at a desk job. I gained 80 pounds in a year. And 14 years later I’m still dragging that deadly anchor around with me.

I’m miserable. I cringe when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror. I can’t bear to have my picture taken. I look like a gnome. I look like a whale. I look like…you get the picture. Not a happy camper.

Now I have two weddings coming up. Both my sons are getting married in the fall. So I feel like this is finally do or die. I have to lose weight or spend each entire wedding day hiding from the photographer.

I joined a gym, but only went half-heartedly until a few weeks ago. The kids gave me 10 sessions with a personal trainer for my birthday. When my son first asked me if I would like that my impulse was to blurt out “Shit NO!!! I want something good!” But I realized this would be good for me, so I graciously thanked them.

Now I go to the gym at least three times a week. I do the treadmill for 30 minutes and the pool for 40. I am eating carefully, no junk, a lot of salad and fruit, I measure everything to check my portions.

But I’m still not losing!!!! Aaaaaggghhh!!!!! The weddings are in just a few months. What am I doing wrong?!?!?!