When Bad Things Keep Happening to Sort of Good People

Perhaps I am stretching it by putting myself in the Good People category.  I know so, so many people who are far stronger, braver, charitable and admirable than I am.  That is why I qualified it a bit, I am sort of good.  Pretty good.  Relatively good.   I do try.  However, those Bad Things, they just keep on a-comin’.

I found a lump in my breast several months ago, but with all my health problems and hospitalizations, following up on it took a back seat.  I finally had a biopsy last week and within a few days the results came back.  I have ductal carcinoma in situ, or, in lay terms, breast cancer.  It is the most common type and the chances are high for a complete cure after surgery, chemo and radiation. 

The problem is that the treatment protocol takes a tremendous toll on the healthiest of people.  And me?  I am not the healthiest of people.  Multiple sclerosis has sucked all the ‘life’ out of my life.  Secondary to MS I have developed crippling lymphedema in my legs, causing relentless, excruciating pain and severely limiting my ability to take more than a few steps, essentially confining me to a wheelchair and to my home.  Getting out of the house is simply too darn hard. 

Limited mobility means no exercise.  I carry the genes of Irish peasants who survived an Gorta Mór (the Great Potato Famine).  So no exercise means horrific, depressing weight gain by just sitting here and breathing.  Oh, and breathing?  Yeah, that would be an issue too, as MS has caused a partial paralysis of my diaphragm which has compromised my ability to take deep breaths.  Surgery to remove the lump will require anesthesia.  There is considerable concern that my lungs would not be strong enough to recover from the anesthesia.  I might end up with a tube in my throat attached to a machine that would breathe for me for the remainder of my days.

What on earth did I do in a previous life?!?!  Holy mackerel, it must have been really, really bad.

I am trying hard to keep a positive outlook, but it is very tough.  I’m awfully scared.  On the plus side, I have a great team of health care providers who are truly skilled, concerned and compassionate.  I have found someone who might be able to help treat my lymphedema at home.  I trust my oncologist, who I will meet with on Thursday to discuss plans and realistic expectations.   My respiratory therapist has referred me to a physician who specializes in preventing post-op vents.  

My friends have rallied around me with a tornado of caring and love.  It is my children I am the most concerned about though.  I do not want them to be burdened or to watch me suffer.  I am praying for them, that they find solace in each other and that we can be a happy family once again.

So, I soldier on.  I believe things always work out one way or another.  They may not work out the way you want or the way you intended, but they do work out.  I have always rolled with the punches, dusting myself off and reinventing myself as I’ve needed to.  Even when I didn’t want to.  I am not ready for it, but ready or not, it is time for a new adventure.

Wish me luck.

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Stop Me Before I Eat Again!!!

When I started this blog, I was sooooo earnest. So serious. So certain that I would rapidly return to my previous normal weight.

Hahahahahahahaha

Partly because I broke my shoulder, partly because I was immobilized for three months, partly because I did a course of steroids, partly because I just couldn’t get my act together, that never happened.

When the New Year rolled around, I figured, aha, new beginning. And it was. I began to eat everything in sight.

I have only slowed down because I HAVE CONSUMED ALL THE FOOD IN NORTH AMERICA!!!!

You think I’m kidding? Go look in your refrigerator. Go ahead. Go. Look. All you’ll find is a wilted celery stick and a jar of pickle juice. I ate everything else.

So this is where I should be falling back on old platitudes about how tomorrow is another day, I just have to give it another try, I know I can do it, blabbity blah blah blah.

I am not going for any of that right now. I just wanted to whine.

Getting Better

I am so grateful for all the kind words of comfort and encouragement that people have posted here. Boy, it has really been a tough week!

I am feeling better every day, but not back to what passes as normal for me yet. I had thought of going to the gym today, but after doing housework this morning for an hour I felt as though I had been beaten with a club. So I gave it a pass.

The steroids are doing their job quite nicely and I am totally wired, sleepless for three nights and already put on three pounds. I am very ambitious but don’t have the strength to follow through on anything. So I am spending most of my time trying to do small projects – sorting through books, organizing my den and papers, throwing out ruthlessly. Ruthlessly for me is about 25% of what it would be for anyone else. :) I actually have gotten a lot accomplished.

Keeping busy helps with missing Corrie.

My brother and sister-in-law sent me a gentle, poignant essay about losing a pet. It ends with this wonderful advice.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

* When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
* Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
* Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
* Take naps.
* Stretch before rising.
* Run, romp, and play daily.
* Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
* Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
* On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
* On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
* When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
* Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
* Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
* When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
* Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
* If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

And my brother added this lovely comment, “She just moved from one dog heaven to another.” How sweet is that?!?

Thanks Ed and Mary! Thanks everyone!

Setback

Once a month, I go to an infusion center and receive a medicine intravenously that helps slow the progression of my MS. It is called Tysabri and so far has been working pretty well, as I haven’t had any relapses in almost a year.

One of the downsides, though, is that it lowers my immune system. And because of that, this week I came down with shingles. This is a very painful viral infection that is particularly concerning in a person who is immunosuppressed – someone like me.

So I am now on a cocktail of antiviral medication, high doses of neurontin and prednisone. My neurologist is calling this “aggressive” treatment. It’s a little scary to feel this sick.

The medicines I am on all cause weight gain. My doctor was sympathetic when I mentioned this, but he was very grave about how serious this illness can be for me.

On the plus side, I have no appetite.

While I am upset that this will affect my weight loss, I am trying to remember the fact that the purpose of this blog is to focus on taking care of ourselves. So I am going to do just that, take my medicine, rest and ignore the scale for the time being.

Disappointment

I had a bad week and it caught up with me this morning. Depending on how I wiggled on the scale, I either lost nothing or one pound. I got on and off about ten times, thinking maybe the scale was just, I don’t know, sleepy?

Leaned to the left, leaned to the right, scooched my toes just over the edge, inched them back on. The needle swung wildly but always settled in the same general area – higher than I wanted.

I don’t even want to eat breakfast now. :(

I have been tracking what I eat in Spark People, along with what I do at the gym. I have only stayed in my 1200 to 1500 range twice this week. I was deluding myself into thinking if I kept under 2000 calories and did my treadmill and swimming, I would still be ok.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I don’t want to say I’m devastated because that should be saved for something like, I don’t know, losing a limb. But I am. And terribly disappointed in myself. And scared to death that I am never going to get to where I need to be.

I feel as though I wasted an entire week. But I am forcing myself to look at it as a lesson. It is clear that I cannot be less than vigilant for any meal. The frustrating part is when I go off my plan, it is for something like a roast beef sandwich, not a gallon of ice cream. That seems so unreasonable that I can’t eat a simple sandwich. But clearly that is the way it has to be until I reach my goal. Then I can relax a little to maintain my normal weight.

Hopefully. :(

There's No Justice In This World

In addition to being old and fat, I have MS. Most of my brain is in complete denial about this. Because it is ridiculous to think of myself, a normal, ordinary person with here-to-fore peasant-like good health, as having a serious chronic disease.

Every time I go to the neurologist, I futilely ask if perhaps there has been some mistake. But he doesn’t mince words: “Oh, you definitely have MS” he says cheerfully in his cute English accent.

There is nothing good about having MS. Absolutely nothing. Some people say, “I have MS, but MS doesn’t have me”. This is rationalization that borders on the delusional. The MS tentacles insinuate themselves into every aspect of your life: mobility, thinking, elimination, stamina, sexuality, everything. When you have MS, your life of doing things without a thought is over.

Pain is part of the MS package. Pain from damaged nerves that does not respond to conventional analgesics. I have been crippled with neck, back, hip and leg pain for weeks. Nothing was helping. My neurologist just prescribed Neurontin, which is to treat neurogenic pain. I finally began to get some relief.

But wait, there’s more!! Because what do I find in the drug information about Neurontin? It causes WEIGHT GAIN. That is what every info sheet says: weight gain. Weight gain, weight gain, WEIGHT GAIN AND WE DO MEAN YOU MARIE YOU BIG FAT PIG!!!!!!

And according to those who know, we’re not just talking a few pounds. We’re talking up to 30 pounds!

God help me, I would rather be in pain than continue to be fat. How sick is that? But I will give the med a try and see what happens.

No More Goat Cheese?!?!

I’ve been keeping track of what I’m eating on Fitday and it has been a real eye opener. I’m taking in about 500 calories more than I thought each day, putting me in the 1700 to 1800 range instead of the 1200 – 1300 that I feel like I need to stay in in order to lose.

I have this awesome salad for lunch everyday – spring greens, goat cheese, pecans, chicken and balsamic vinaigrette dressing. But it appears the goat cheese and pecans (the best part!!) are ramping up the calories. I might as well have pizza!!

Then there are the cookies. My idea of a thrilling treat (too sad!) is two cookies and a cup of tea. I found these great little cookies at a local gourmet market. They were perfect. I thought. After a week of sucking them down, I checked the calories to add to Fitday. One hundred and fifty calories EACH. My “harmless” little dessert was packing on another 300 calories.

When I initially realized this, the first thing I did was, of course, beat myself up. What a pig, how stupid, etc. Then I felt sorry for myself. Poor me, I’ll never have goat cheese again.

But I was talking to a dear friend tonight and she reminded me, it’s not forever.

Right now I have to really cut back to get where I want to be. But once I reach that goal, I can ease up a little, add back things I like, I just have to be careful and keep things moderate.

Thanks, Heather Feather! :)

HELP!!!

I am the 50-something mother of four. I used to be a size 10, even after kids. Then my husband died and I went to work full time at a desk job. I gained 80 pounds in a year. And 14 years later I’m still dragging that deadly anchor around with me.

I’m miserable. I cringe when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror. I can’t bear to have my picture taken. I look like a gnome. I look like a whale. I look like…you get the picture. Not a happy camper.

Now I have two weddings coming up. Both my sons are getting married in the fall. So I feel like this is finally do or die. I have to lose weight or spend each entire wedding day hiding from the photographer.

I joined a gym, but only went half-heartedly until a few weeks ago. The kids gave me 10 sessions with a personal trainer for my birthday. When my son first asked me if I would like that my impulse was to blurt out “Shit NO!!! I want something good!” But I realized this would be good for me, so I graciously thanked them.

Now I go to the gym at least three times a week. I do the treadmill for 30 minutes and the pool for 40. I am eating carefully, no junk, a lot of salad and fruit, I measure everything to check my portions.

But I’m still not losing!!!! Aaaaaggghhh!!!!! The weddings are in just a few months. What am I doing wrong?!?!?!