Being There

As I have said before, I hate having Multiple Sclerosis. It does not make me a better person. It does not make me grateful for what I have or more appreciative of life or cause me to stop and smell the roses. It just makes me cranky, resentful and self-pitying. And sick. Anyone with MS is very sick and probably in constant pain, but we look pretty darn good, so people tend to forget just how darn sick we really are. As I have also said before, there is no justice in this world.

I do believe that most people are basically well intentioned. But they can be incredible knuckleheads. In attempts to be “helpful”, they say the most mind-bogglingly insensitive things. For instance, I might point out it is less than helpful to tell me about the 61 year old woman who has died of MS. I figure at that rate I have about 8 more years. Someone actually told me this. And read me the obituary. And asked me if I knew her, as though I know everyone in the world who has MS.

Guess what? It may be greedy, but I would really, really like to have more than another 8 years. So that is information that I find depressing to the point of paralysis. Telling me about people who died of the same disease I have is probably at the top of my list of things I don’t want to hear.

Some other things to consider not saying, after polling people with chronic conditions:

* My cousin had that and he was cured after eating nothing but bean sprouts (or applying crystals or drinking oxygenated water or meditating) for a year.
* I heard that medicine [that you are taking] causes death, insanity, blindness, extra limbs, take your choice.
* This is God’s will.
* God never gives you more than you can handle, or its obnoxious cousin, this will make you a stronger person.
* Oh, you go to that doctor?
* I believe people who really want to do get well.

Some things to consider saying to anyone who is sick or in any kind of distress:

* I am thinking about you.
* I am praying for you.
* Here is my number if you want to talk.
* I am sorry you are going through this.
* I don’t know what to say, but I care about you.
* Can you tell me if there is anything you need?

People who are struggling, for whatever reason, physical illness, temporary setbacks or something else really big (even if it is only really big to THEM), mostly need support and presence, love and genuineness. None of us are perfect. You don’t have to find perfect words.

Maybe don’t remind them they are going to die. But be there.