tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1135314716470832992024-02-18T22:58:10.095-05:00NourishA blog that considers how it helps to have a sense of humor while exploring life. Oh, and how important it is to take care of ourselves physically and emotionally. Don't forget that.Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.comBlogger334125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-48254503895616471172015-03-20T19:20:00.000-04:002015-03-20T19:20:36.782-04:00Choosing Happiness<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Today, March 20, 2015, is the third annual <a href="http://www.dayofhappiness.net/#happiness" target="_blank">International Day of Happiness</a>, as decreed in a proclamation from the United Nations in 2011.</div>
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<br /></div>
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On the surface, it might sound a little silly or even
preposterous, considering the state of the world and the suffering so many
people endure in their personal lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wars
and partisan violence rage and people experience inexplicable heartbreak every
day. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is injustice, disaffection,
poverty and hunger right here, within blocks of my home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My sister is gravely ill and I have experienced
a series of misfortunes over the past decade that are surreal in their number
and impact.</div>
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<br /></div>
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But today the United Nations implores us to take action to
be happy, with this year’s theme being to achieve happiness by focusing on your
connection with others.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I have had to face many challenges in my lifetime.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I discovered early on that you could choose
to give in or you could fight. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By nature
I am stubborn and I usually choose to fight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>On one hand, this is not a particularly positive trait to have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not easy for me to give in on anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be very difficult to admit when I am wrong
and to say I am sorry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being stubborn
means you often will stay in a bad situation because you refuse to acknowledge
you cannot fix it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You tend not to make
the healthier choice of cutting your losses and moving on.</div>
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<br /></div>
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But on the other hand, being stubborn also means stepping up to a challenge and overcoming obstacles. It means pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and getting on with it, which I have had to do more times than I can count. And it means tenaciously holding on
to good things, like hope and friendship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Even though I can’t get out very easily, I work at keeping in touch
with my friends, my loved ones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so
lucky to still have friends in my life that go back to my earliest childhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I am so blessed to have my wonderful
cousin, who has always been there, like a big brother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, despite being estranged from some of my
beloved children, I will never, ever, ever give up on them or stop loving them,
no matter what.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The absolute happiest moments
in my life have all involved them.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I have discovered through my stubbornness that you have a
choice in life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can be happy or you
can be miserable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been both.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Happy feels a whole lot better than miserable,
despite the fact that it can be harder to maintain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is very, very easy to sink under the
weight of the terrible things that happen to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the surface, it might seem I don’t have a
lot to be happy about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it is true, I
am only human and I wobble constantly. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the recommendation for today, connect
with others, is the key for me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
friends, my children, my grandchildren are my lifeline.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just their voices are enough to lift my
spirits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they are so good to
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all need that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We human beings need to be kind to each other,
to stay connected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Connection feeds
itself, it is like ripples on a pond.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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If only people could stay connected, on a global level
things could be so different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even as I
type that, I realize it sounds not just naïve, but downright simple-minded. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that concept doesn’t take into account
mental illness, natural disasters and other things we have no control over that
cause great suffering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the song is
so true, from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">South Pacific</i>, you have
to be taught to hate and fear:</div>
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<br /></div>
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You've got to be taught</div>
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To hate and fear,</div>
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You've got to be taught</div>
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From year to year,</div>
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It's got to be drummed</div>
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In your dear little ear</div>
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You've got to be carefully taught.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
You've got to be taught to be afraid</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Of people whose eyes are oddly made,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
You've got to be carefully taught.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
You've got to be taught before it's too late,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Before you are six or seven or eight,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
To hate all the people your relatives hate,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
You've got to be carefully taught!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
(Songwriters: Rogers and Hammerstein/to hear it sung, follow this link <a href="http://www.rnh.com/videos.html?video=131&gallery=171" target="_blank">here</a>)
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
We are not born hating, we all know that. So why haven't we been able to fix it in all the thousands of years the human race has existed?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Peace could be possible if we were more connected by understanding, compassion
and acceptance. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>We are born with the capacity for happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is others who take it away and it is others
who can maintain or restore it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I pray from the bottom of my heart that all of you reading this
have or can find happiness.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I leave you with the prayer from St. Francis, which I
believe to be a formula for connection and, ultimately, for happiness:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIOaMA7-sgegDVFwrL1uE0tzy8rVU-_P9RjXOfam522pO8njwChTxLEyZBvzX8oT8qZcTdNQ30l3vhBumqdFnLteVyBYIu4N5hhyphenhyphen0zZ6Eki33Uw-HgjlRbqqned1uduKPvVctTMeDOr6Ng/s1600/st.+francis+3.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIOaMA7-sgegDVFwrL1uE0tzy8rVU-_P9RjXOfam522pO8njwChTxLEyZBvzX8oT8qZcTdNQ30l3vhBumqdFnLteVyBYIu4N5hhyphenhyphen0zZ6Eki33Uw-HgjlRbqqned1uduKPvVctTMeDOr6Ng/s1600/st.+francis+3.gif" height="320" width="180" /></a>Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
where there is injury, pardon;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
where there is doubt, faith;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
where there is despair, hope</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
where there is darkness, light;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
where there is sadness, joy;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
O Divine Master, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
to be understood as to understand;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
to be loved as to love.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
For it is in giving that we receive;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-6195629745041787982015-02-23T09:31:00.000-05:002015-02-23T09:31:12.103-05:00Call<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Especially as someone who desperately misses my cherished children,
J.K. Simmons made me cry last night in his Academy Award acceptance speech when
he implored people to call their parents. </div>
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I would take that step farther - if you can, reach out to
anyone who has made a difference in your life and let them know how they matter
to you. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mother died three years
ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had a challenging relationship,
but I miss her terribly and would give anything to be able to talk to her again
for even one minute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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I have been so blessed to have many, many people, friends
and relatives, show me support and love over the years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life is so short.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the end of the day, staying connected to
people we love is truly what makes living worthwhile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">A call can be a simple connection or it can be an opportunity to begin to heal a deep wound. Either way, it is a winning proposition. Call someone you love, for you and for them. </span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">From 1 Corinthians 13:</span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Love is patient, love is kind. It keeps no records of wrongdoings. Love does not delight in evil. <i><b><u>Love</u> <u>never</u> <u>fails</u>.</b></i></span></div>
<i><b>
</b></i><br />
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<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-73877120630843404072015-02-17T14:33:00.000-05:002015-02-17T14:33:59.886-05:00Just Some Random Tuesday Observations<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->It can often be the small victories that make your day:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I finally cleaned up a computer virus that
was tormenting me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s finally
gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am giddy with relief and flushed
with triumph.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, maybe the triumph
bit is going a bit far.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am
definitely giddy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course that may
have something to do with my monthly IV steroid infusion, Soulmedrol coursing
through my veins, giving me the illusion that I am Superwoman.
<br />
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********</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>
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I shop for everything online and I need some all occasion
cards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On Amazon there are boxes of
every kind of card imaginable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But a box
of <i>thirty</i> sympathy cards?!?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Golly, that
is a massacre.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think I’ve sent
thirty sympathy cards in my entire sixty years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Am I just lucky?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or thoughtless?
</div>
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Although it is gorgeous to look at and fun to join in the
fantasy, I have never quite gotten the level of hysteria over <i>Downton Abbey</i>,
especially when there are three new episodes of smart, elegant and captivting
<i>Foyle’s War</i> to relish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have always
been suspicious of a program where the opening scene of every episode is a
dog’s backside.</div>
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********</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
The top story in the news today is the weather.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cold weather in February in the Northeast of
the United States is news?!?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have they
not noticed a pattern over the past few years?</div>
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********</div>
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Does anyone else feel anxiety escalate through the roof when
they receive e-mails from Facebook with subject lines that say “Marie, you have
729 new notifications, 332 pokes and 21 event invites”?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t even know what most of those things
mean!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although I do recognize the word
“invite”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I suppose it would be odd
if your e-mail message said “Marie”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Unless your name <i>is</i> Marie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
fill in Your Name Here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But still,
despite the fact I love being connected to my wonderful friends, the whole
actual process is overwhelming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite
my carefully crafted illusion of technical wizardry, I actually am pathetically
hopeless.</div>
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********</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
A word of advice:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>it
is a really, really, REALLY bad idea for a woman who lives alone to watch a TV
series (such as, say, <i>The Fall</i>, for instance) about a serial killer who
methodically stalks, breaks in, tortures and murders women who live, you’ve got
it: alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will do terrible things to
your electric bill as you will subsequently leave the lights on day and
night, d<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>espite high tech security
methods such as the renowned chair-beneath-the-doorknob. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe2CjklZ8XVi7hOLNI_1SProyPeoicEqVRscy5riAH3ADEEjcsJuf4f11litd5ljMxMj7q_8mxZJEesoUohmfo1lGs3sgg1hIy_XroQpjNzaz9ycQAa5XWlZ5ut8xsRAejZLq4Ry8Lkj4r/s1600/chair+under+door.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe2CjklZ8XVi7hOLNI_1SProyPeoicEqVRscy5riAH3ADEEjcsJuf4f11litd5ljMxMj7q_8mxZJEesoUohmfo1lGs3sgg1hIy_XroQpjNzaz9ycQAa5XWlZ5ut8xsRAejZLq4Ry8Lkj4r/s1600/chair+under+door.jpg" /></a></div>
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********</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>
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I have been trying to organize and clean out, as I may be
moving before too long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I came across a
minuscule, yellowed, wrinkled scrap of newspaper, about two inches by one and a
half inches, that was clearly garbage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>To anyone but me that is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew
I must have saved it for a reason and reading it, I remembered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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It is years old, maybe twenty, maybe more, and it was from a
Times article about Sister Parrish, the eccentric but influential interior
designer (she worked for Jacqueline Kennedy and Brooke Astor among many other
movers and shakers) .<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I apparently just
ripped out the bit I wanted, a quote from her that totally hit home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Literally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was exactly how I felt about decorating my own home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said, “As a child, I discovered the happy
feelings that familiar things can bring – an old apple tree, a favorite garden,
the smell of a fresh clipped hedge, simply knowing that when you round the
corner, nothing will be changed, nothing will be gone.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ironically, I grew up with none of those
things, I was raised in New York City.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But the concept of her vision was what struck a chord and it is what I
worked to create in my own home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wept
with joy as I planted my first rose bush, a climber of pale pink cabbage roses, aptly named "Eden",
and every year the girls and I created an oasis of flowers in dozens of pots on
our patio.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I filled our house with color
and light, books and lace, old fashioned furniture and floral patterns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My sons teasingly called it The Girly
House.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that was ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I accomplished what I had wanted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It felt right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It felt home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When we had people over, they always declared they were reluctant to
leave.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYhAOPqD0rX_Nz53kFrR4l5bBqjP1brczvy0izAPcFbvekdlPjtk6Jowf1bj_AX1LiO42_pNU-4SqaCc4imeo-TymxjNPtLDeO3wRrdZIMTGcd7ulQoxeOeXGatLhArmH_nmwYsypPzoiq/s1600/parish+rooms.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYhAOPqD0rX_Nz53kFrR4l5bBqjP1brczvy0izAPcFbvekdlPjtk6Jowf1bj_AX1LiO42_pNU-4SqaCc4imeo-TymxjNPtLDeO3wRrdZIMTGcd7ulQoxeOeXGatLhArmH_nmwYsypPzoiq/s1600/parish+rooms.jpg" height="640" width="321" /> </a></div>
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</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Some of Sister Parish's designs. Far grander than my home, of course, but it gives you some idea of her style.</div>
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</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH7s_SGuCeFORd1Iok0n7NWtvDr8DeImY_Ct6ihAUL56kU2rCloaTczjvVEIA_rlVsBGeZLXjeHmvfTm8Q60et4wldRwYrf0wWlEyv0uOHbEOD025q5gyrypsw0MIFN3jzsCrlZ_Evgy-Q/s1600/parish+5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH7s_SGuCeFORd1Iok0n7NWtvDr8DeImY_Ct6ihAUL56kU2rCloaTczjvVEIA_rlVsBGeZLXjeHmvfTm8Q60et4wldRwYrf0wWlEyv0uOHbEOD025q5gyrypsw0MIFN3jzsCrlZ_Evgy-Q/s1600/parish+5.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A copy of her calling card, as unique as she was.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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It is going to be very, very hard to move on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am not worried, I am in God’s hands and
all will be well.</div>
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Finally, assurance from one of my morning readings: <b><u>Never</u></b>
does God’s loving and compassionate eye turn from us.</div>
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<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-72159670126602152482015-01-22T02:51:00.000-05:002015-01-22T04:11:58.807-05:00Fighting FearWent for a routine CT scan last Thursday, routine as far as
keeping an eye on the liver tumors, which have mercifully been shrinking.<br />
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I tried to put it out of my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe if you imagine negative outcomes, they
can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
hadn’t heard from the doctor by Monday but around 7:30 that night I got a call
from the local hospital’s scheduling department saying that my oncologist had ordered
a PET scan, which is a more intensive and comprehensive diagnostic test.</div>
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It was too late to call her to get details and but the
implications were not good, something must have shown on the CT scan. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Because I didn’t know what the results had
been, I assumed the worst.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I assumed
worse than the worst. All my carefully organized positive thinking flew out the
window so fast I am surprised the glass didn’t break.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was a MESS. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had hours and hours to agonize over what
had been found and each hour had me escalating fear and anxiety exponentially. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One of the hardest aspects of not having a significant other
is having no one to share the burden, to talk you off the ledge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> It doesn't help having my little dog, because she acts sadder than me when I am upset. The cat only cares that I sit still and provide her with a comfortable spot to sleep on, so that is not exactly comforting. On a certain level, </span>I absolutely do believe God is with me and loves
me and symbolically holds me in His arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But when push comes to shove, there is nothing like a flesh and blood
person sitting in front of you encouraging you to calm down.</div>
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As early as I could, I sent my daughter a message asking if she could give me
just a little bit of her company.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate
to ask.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She works nights and has two
little ones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But she was over within
minutes, after getting my precious Maddy on the bus for school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her quiet, sensible cheerfulness made a
difference immediately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We called the doctor’s
office to see if we could get some details, but she was with patients and I had
to leave a message.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My daughter had to
get going before I got a return call, but her visit had made me feel so much
better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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I didn’t hear from the doctor until late that evening!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was a first where I had been left
hanging this way, she is usually incredibly responsive and considerate.</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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It was not the dire news I had envisioned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it wasn’t exactly good news either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There has been some change in the tumors and
she wants a clearer picture, hence the PET scan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wants to discuss the possibility of Radio
Frequency Ablation again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That procedure
had been considered last spring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it
requires general anesthesia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because MS
has partially paralyzed my diaphragm, undergoing general anesthesia would result in me
being on a ventilator to breathe for me for the rest of my life.</div>
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I have been blessed with the most incredible network of
loving friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it is hard to stay
strong when you are alone at three o’clock in the morning and your mouth is dry
with fear and dread.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So it is back to
the drawing board.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have set myself up
a regimen of prayer and meditation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
focusing on healing and reinforcing confidence in God to ease my fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need tangible bolstering, so I am listening
to affirmations, reading affirmations and setting my timer to regularly remind
myself to pray and listen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am a walking
Affirmation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am willing myself to
eliminate fear from my consciousness.</div>
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When my youngest daughter was an adorably sweet and funny
nine year old, she regularly drew me pictures to post over my desk at
work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still have some of my favorites.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One said how much she missed me when I was at
work and she wished she could be with me “the hole day”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>lol Loved that one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the one I framed and have truly cherished
all these years, even before I got sick, is this one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It shows a tiny stick figure in a boat on the
sea, buffeted by wind, waves and tornadoes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Two large hands are stretched out over the figure and the words say “God
will always protect you!”:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8xYtmJK0sYLVnee1fTZvq8HQG0uHvFtQ58eMkMBh4BF_KOLbjgtGaFbDhhz2rT-fZ3H3eCGCNHbtKPy4rcEVD3i6wrDezVk2PfkfBAO_MHU5_y7V_IFH6xz04o-4NldfDXw_jQOVDWfTs/s1600/God+will+always+protect+you.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8xYtmJK0sYLVnee1fTZvq8HQG0uHvFtQ58eMkMBh4BF_KOLbjgtGaFbDhhz2rT-fZ3H3eCGCNHbtKPy4rcEVD3i6wrDezVk2PfkfBAO_MHU5_y7V_IFH6xz04o-4NldfDXw_jQOVDWfTs/s1600/God+will+always+protect+you.jpg" height="235" width="320" /></a></div>
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I have it in front of me now, my much needed reminder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please Lord, I pray, let me feel your
comforting presence around me.</div>
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Amen.</div>
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<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-88343499516369013702014-12-25T01:18:00.000-05:002014-12-25T01:21:52.894-05:00Do Not Fear, For I Am With You<br />
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</xml><![endif]-->I have been struggling with much grief and fear this holiday
season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My beloved family is fractured,
some of my children estranged, it seems, beyond restoration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being a mother has been the bliss of my
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without them, meaning, pleasure,
any sense of satisfaction, has paled, despite the outstanding nourishment of my many
friends, my remarkable daughter, who is endlessly supportive and helpful, and
my delightful grandchildren.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are
all wonderful and I am truly, truly grateful for their love and infinite encouragement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we always want what we don’t have, don’t
we?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of our great human flaws is a recurrent
inability to be satisfied by the good that we do have right under our
noses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We long for what we miss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I miss my children with a gnawing pain
that literally howls through my every waking moment. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to move on, I try to be accepting, but
their absence is a bottomless pit of loss and pain.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then there is the fact of the unknown.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the spread of the cancer, it is
literally a waiting game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Waiting for
the other shoe to drop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Waiting for the inevitable
day when my oncologist calls and the result of my biannual scan is no longer
good news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fearing that the facts would
be simply too hard to face, I have never asked or researched what exactly my
prognosis is. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last month I finally
screwed up the courage and looked it up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Breast cancer which has spread to the liver has a projection of three to
five years from diagnosis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know it could
be worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am greedy, another very
human flaw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want so much more
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am already a year down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am sad and I am scared.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My faith has been shaken.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yet another flaw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am the first
one to admit, I am all too human and all too flawed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it has been awfully hard to remain
reassured by the spiritual when the corporal is so spectacularly challenging. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Loss upon loss upon loss has worn me down. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The basest, most immature part of me cries
out, haven’t I had enough already?!? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
know intellectually that life is just like that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t matter if you have tried to be a
good person, tried to do the right things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Good intentions + going to church + doing the best you can = health,
happiness and success, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there is
no formula, no equation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stuff just
happens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have never believed God causes bad things to happen to us,
I do not believe He visits disasters upon us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I could not believe in a vindictive, punishing deity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But lately I have found it is difficult to
believe in any deity at all. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have received many Christmas cards this year from the delightful
people I am surrounded by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One card was
from someone who is particularly special to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The day it arrived was an especially busy one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before I could open it, I was interrupted and
set it aside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Four days later, when I
went to open it and reply, it was nowhere to be found.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt sick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I turned every room upside down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because
my mobility is so limited, there are not too many places I could have lost it
in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went through every box and basket,
every surface.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I chastised myself over and over for being so
careless, so disorganized, so stupid, so thoughtless, on and on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I automatically invoked Saint Anthony, every Catholic’s
resource for lost things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I didn’t
really believe a word of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
After another fruitless round of searching I collapsed in my
recliner, utterly exhausted and discouraged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ll just rest for five minutes, I thought, and then I will look
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It must be stuck in something
else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll turn out every catalog, every
book I have laid my hands on in the past year, every container.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I leaned my head back in the chair I
noticed a small white envelope lying face down on the corner of my chairside
table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a tiny table, with barely
enough room for my laptop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had
searched for card on the table easily ten times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had picked the laptop up each time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There had been no card.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it was now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perched on the edge, bright white, unmissable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I burst into tears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
don’t ask for signs, I never have, even when my faith was at its strongest, I
never felt comfortable testing God, demanding things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It felt disrespectful and disloyal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I believed at that moment, with the
inexplicable appearance of a card I had been searching for over hours, God had
sent me a sign.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had sent me a message:
do not fear, I am with you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After I had children, I struggled deeply with the concept of
putting God before else, as demanded in the Bible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How could I put anything before my beloved children?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How could I?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was impossible, nothing meant more to me than my children, not even
God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I always felt guilty about that and
even slightly fearful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How much of a sin
was it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was I dooming myself to eternal
damnation because I was putting mortal beings before the Lord?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I decided it didn’t matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I loved my children more than life itself and
if God didn’t understand that, oh well.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But here I was, facing Christmas Eve alone, the night we
traditionally had come together as a family and celebrated the holiday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The night I cherished as a representation of everything
I loved most in the world, the night I had the opportunity, shallow though it
was, to tangibly demonstrate my love for them by giving them things I thought
would make them happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sadness of
being by myself, of knowing that they were deliberately choosing to exclude me
from their lives when I needed them the most, was overwhelming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had laughed in God’s face and told Him He
meant less to me than these people who were wounding me so deeply.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And He was saying, I am here anyway.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some may scoff at what appears to be my fanciful
superstition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some may say say that the
card had been there all along and I just missed it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some may argue there is a perfectly logic
explanation for missing that glaring white envelope all those hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I might agree with all of them on some
level.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am making a choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am choosing to not be miserable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am choosing to be reminded that I am not alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am choosing to not be afraid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am gratefully, humbly choosing to accept the
gift of God’s love and comfort. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
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<![endif]--><i><b>Isaiah 41:10</b></i><br />
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<br /></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed,
for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with
my righteous right hand.</i></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-69029627325257579232014-11-27T04:56:00.000-05:002014-11-27T04:59:57.681-05:00Giving Thanks<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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I offer thanks today for all the good I have in my
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am so grateful to God for putting in my path so many
wonderful people who are so good to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My caretakers who provide me with help so that I can stay home as
long as possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My doctors who work
so hard to keep my complicated health issues organized and who do it with
warmth and compassion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Professionals who
have helped me with business issues, without judgment or criticism.</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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But most of all I am thankful for those of you who are so
good to me on an everyday basis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those
of you who offer me empathy and encouragement and unconditional love, you are
what keep me going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You all keep me from
folding under the weight of everything I have lost and make me appreciate everything
I still have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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That is my Thanks Giving.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTZILlOMlf0iQ2IllHdt7aT7t2dzUiVtI2TAv6B_Y7vamgTCSXczWc4Vd9Tu1sBppAhuPuTtGlk2dUvFcqnGpCZ7O1iPGEdFjjAIxBL2-6xwJVAu4u0deg0eL1OPMKkTh83UuezjyuR4KE/s1600/love-inspirational-daily+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTZILlOMlf0iQ2IllHdt7aT7t2dzUiVtI2TAv6B_Y7vamgTCSXczWc4Vd9Tu1sBppAhuPuTtGlk2dUvFcqnGpCZ7O1iPGEdFjjAIxBL2-6xwJVAu4u0deg0eL1OPMKkTh83UuezjyuR4KE/s1600/love-inspirational-daily+copy.jpg" height="152" width="200" /></a></div>
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Words my loved ones live by:</div>
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1 Corinthians 13 </div>
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Love</div>
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13 1 What if I could speak all languages of humans<br />
and of angels?<br />
If I did not love others, I would be nothing more<br />
than a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.<br />
<sup>2 </sup>What if I could prophesy and understand all secrets<br />
and all knowledge?<br />
And what if I had faith that moved mountains?<br />
I would be nothing, unless I loved others.<br />
<sup>3 </sup>What if I gave away all that I owned<br />
and let myself be burned alive?<br />
I would gain nothing, unless I loved others.<br />
<sup>4 </sup>Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful,<br />
proud, or <sup>5 </sup>rude.<br />
Love isn’t selfish or quick tempered.<br />
It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs that others do.<br />
<sup>6 </sup>Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil.<br />
<sup>7 </sup>Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful,<br />
and trusting.<br />
<sup>8 </sup>Love never fails!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone
who prophesies will stop,<br />
and unknown languages will no longer be spoken.<br />
All that we know will be forgotten.<br />
<sup>9 </sup>We don’t know everything, and our prophecies<br />
are not complete. <sup>10 </sup>But what is perfect will someday appear,</div>
and what isn’t perfect will then disappear.
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<sup>11 </sup>When we were children, we thought and
reasoned</div>
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as children do. But when we grew up, we quit our
childish ways.<br />
<sup>12 </sup>Now all we can see of God is like a cloudy picture<br />
in a mirror. Later we will see him face to face.<br />
We don’t know everything, but then we will,<br />
just as God completely understands us.<br />
<sup>13 </sup>For now there are faith, hope, and love.<br />
But of these three, the greatest is love.</div>
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<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-33573193057741155212014-10-31T11:14:00.000-04:002014-11-01T11:57:16.520-04:00Wanted: Extended Life, with a Side of Laughter<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I started my blog in 2008 with great trepidation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Doing research on the pit falls of writing
online, I came across a very funny essay entitled “How to Dissuade Yourself
from Writing a Blog”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It pretty much
assured you that what you would write would be utter drek that no one would
ever read.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, if through some miracle
they actually found your blog, they would laugh themselves sick at your
ineptitude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Naturally, I believed I would
be an exception to these rules.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I
took the plunge.</div>
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<br /></div>
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At first I was focused on losing weight for my son’s
upcoming wedding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I wrote about swimming
at the local health club and what I ate for breakfast. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Riveting stuff, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The words were stilted and formal, dull as
dishwater.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Painful to read now,
especially since because of immobility and medications I have gained about
another zillion pounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I fell and
broke my shoulder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the kind of
injury that simply consumes you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So that
is what I started writing about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
craziness of the fall, the insanity of trying to obtain the care I needed, it
all just poured out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it poured out
in my own way, almost a sort of stream of consciousness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My readership jumped by over 100. A friend once gave me the most incredible,
touching compliment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We hadn’t seen each
other in ages.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After chatting for
the first time in over a year, as we said goodbye I said to her “It has been so
good to hear your voice!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She replied “I
hear yours every time I read your blog.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I could not have asked for higher praise and affirmation.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I began to think in Blogese.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Everything was potential fodder for my posts. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was lucky enough to be able to attend two separate
blogging conferences, great opportunities to network and keep up enthusiasm. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always on the lookout for potential content, I
composed posts in my head all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My motto was one that I had seen on a novelty
t-shirt:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I am SO bogging this!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although it was never, ever my intention to
exact revenge on people who had treated me poorly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, except perhaps when I was laid off by those
incompetent nitwits (long story, read about it <a href="http://nourishourselves.blogspot.com/2010/05/not-that-im-bitter.html" target="_blank">here</a> ).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Writing
about negative experiences in my own life could possibly be perceived as resentful
and/or vengeful, but, again, it was not my plan to deliberately hurt anyone. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The stories of our lives reflect ups but also
downs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, writing about
painful incidences can have the appearance of good guy (me) vs. bad guy
(them).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have tried very hard to take
ownership for my actions and life choices, to acknowledge when I have been an
ass or totally wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have also tried
to be fair to those who have hurt me, working very hard to present a balanced picture,
as no one is purely good or bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I
have worked hard at understanding and presenting what I have perceived as their motivation. However, for the most part I tried to
put a lighthearted spin on my incredibly eventful life, as there are few
things I enjoy more than making people laugh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And while <i>I</i> love to laugh, I didn’t
realize quite the impact I had made in that department.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My darling friend Christine recently hosted a small,
informal get together to honor my 60<sup>th</sup> birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She put a journal on the table and asked
people to write comments in it, either a note on how we had met or a fond
memory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I read through this treasure
afterwards, one thing jumped out at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nearly every single person stated one thing they loved about me was how I
made them laugh. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was amazed and touched.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And saddened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I simply don’t feel very funny anymore.
Having been virtually housebound and isolated for the past two years, I find it
harder and harder to hold a lucid conversation, never mind be funny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was hard to laugh at MS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is even harder to laugh at metastatic
cancer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being aware that MS had the very real
potential of significantly shortening my life was painful enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But having cancer that cannot be cured is
devastating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was stunned to note I have written fewer than ten posts
this year, opposed to an average of over 50 a year in the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But writing is what I am meant to do, a need
rather than a want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite some recent
criticism by people I love, I have to keep on writing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only is it good for me as an expression
of what I am, I get feedback from people, publicly and privately, who tell me
how much my words mean to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
to believe that is one of the reasons I am here, one of the ways I can make a
difference.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am trying hard to live my remaining life to the
fullest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pray constantly for dignity, courage
and, if possible, duration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pray for
discernment of what meaning my life was intended to take.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have finally obtained my new power
wheelchair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I have to figure out how
to get out more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to volunteer
where I can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to create a
charitable foundation to provide opportunities for people who have encountered
crises, to help them over humps the way so many have helped me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want
to give back, to have a positive impact on this world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I want, no, I <i><b>need</b></i>, laughter to be part
of my life again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-85503436124221818232014-09-21T06:59:00.000-04:002014-09-21T06:59:39.050-04:00Now We Are…Sixty?!?<br />
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<![endif]-->Gosh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How on earth
did that happen?!?!<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
At any rate, Happy Happy Birthday to me and to Bruce (Springsteen, of
course) whose b-day precedes mine by a few years but follows mine by a few days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How is that for a riddle?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Extremely lame?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I agree, but what can I tell you, I AM lame.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ha ha ha ha<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know, I know I am hopelessly
corny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Happy birthday Bruce and thanks
for being a remarkable entertainer and human being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know some people consider him controversial,
but there cannot be any argument about the abundant good works he does, many of
which go unknown.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A retrospective on The Boss:
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.app.com/story/entertainment/music/2014/09/12/bruce-springsteen-still-matters/15528989/">http://www.app.com/story/entertainment/music/2014/09/12/bruce-springsteen-still-matters/15528989/</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As for me, it has been quite a sextet of decades, that is
for sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have had amazing experiences, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ups and downs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While the hard stuff has been extraordinarily
challenging, the good has been so spectacular that it far outweighs the bad. Most
of the good has revolved around my children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was blessed to be mother to four cherished human beings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In ways they will never know, they have
provided me with moments of such pure, sparkling joy that I am literally left
without words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those times, some simply
seconds of an exquisite baby smile or a spontaneous, merry hug, shine up
through the years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hug these memories
to myself. They are my treasure.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even though every day brings struggles, I have so much to be
grateful for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is hard, especially
when I’m dealing with a lot of pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
during the hard times, I pray and then I list for myself the things I am so
lucky to have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My darling grandchildren and
my wonderful, generous friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still
have a roof over my head, although I am not sure for how much longer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then there are the little things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A perfect cup of tea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A good book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
The tactile satisfaction of embroidery, like painting with thread. </span>The soft murmur of rain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
little dog who wants nothing more than to be adored and my even littler cat who
is<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> a </span>constant source of irritation but she
is unfailingly attentive and as a result it is hard to dislike her.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I miss my mother particularly on my birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had
a fractious relationship for much of my life, but we were so different we were
bound to clash.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was not what my mom
had wanted or expected in a daughter, I had wildly divergent values and goals
from hers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I simply bewildered her at
times. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I got much older I made an
effort to understand her and not deliberately provoke her by challenging her ideals
and taste, as I had for such a long time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My sister and I had many a good cackle in private, but I was truly sorry
I had disappointed her and then rubbed her nose in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I talk to her all the time now, telling her
how much I regret our lost time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
believe she is watching over us from her place in Heaven, where she is healed
and happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Believing she is happy and at
peace at last gives me great satisfaction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But more than anything I wish she was still here. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One thing I have been especially grateful for has been the
opportunity to express myself through this blog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Writing has been one of the most rewarding
things in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sheer pleasure of
stringing words together in a way that appeals to people has been a
delight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sadly, someone I love deeply
and whose opinion matters to me, recently told me that they considered my blog
something hateful and destructive to our family. I have never deliberately done
anything to offend anyone I love, so I was stunned to hear this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The idea that something I was having such fun with unknowingly caused hard feelings just sucked the spirit right out of me The accusation has tainted what had previously been such source
of pleasure and I have had a hard time finding my way back to writing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am trying and also trying to be
attentive to anything someone might find objectionable.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Moving on….<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgas2wIuo-XKl5Ops1Zy9dQHtmYFVs3UHm2-oI7rZBHqyK7hc_67En_3Zg6SO_aALLF-ViR8USC82JVMeAGjE1IZXhJ3Y6yiRtCTZjuK5Nd9Lo1rWKGxZod35FpC6B-lxgzz9m-bVudmrC2/s1600/Now+We+Are+Six+1927+Winnie+the+Pooh+99.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgas2wIuo-XKl5Ops1Zy9dQHtmYFVs3UHm2-oI7rZBHqyK7hc_67En_3Zg6SO_aALLF-ViR8USC82JVMeAGjE1IZXhJ3Y6yiRtCTZjuK5Nd9Lo1rWKGxZod35FpC6B-lxgzz9m-bVudmrC2/s1600/Now+We+Are+Six+1927+Winnie+the+Pooh+99.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What could be nicer than a window seat and a book on a rainy
day? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have amended A. A. Milne’s sweet poem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My bit, with abject apologies to Mr. Milne,
is added in bold.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Now We Are Six </i><br />
<em></em> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was One,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had just begun.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was Two,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was nearly new.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was Three</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was hardly me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was Four,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was not much more.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was Five,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was just alive.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But now I am Six,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'm as clever as clever,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Then came some more</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Although never a bore.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Decades happily full</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Eventful, without any
lull.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Ten then twenty then
thirty</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">School, wed, babies,
much glee.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Forty cheerfully came</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">With much of the same.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Fifty arrived with
unwelcome news</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">An illness, alas,
would give me the blues.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Now we are sixty, struggling
and stressing.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">But the Lord, dear friends
and loved ones surround me with blessing. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am so happy to be here still.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Happy Birthday, me!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-34186459239432837182014-07-21T17:52:00.000-04:002014-07-21T17:54:42.673-04:00I'm Just Peachy, Thank YouI have been inundated with telemarketing calls lately. So when I saw the 877 number come up on the caller ID a few minutes ago, I ignored it. I didn't feel like coping with yet another individual from a third world country trying to persuade me, in broken English, to change electricity providers.<br />
<br />
Instead I heard a pre-recorded message from Wegman's Supermarket. They were advising me that several varieties of fruit, including peaches, were being recalled due to a possible <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Listeria" target="_blank">listeria</a> bacterial contamination. What was I doing as I listened to that message? I was in the middle of eating a peach that had been purchased at Wegman's.<br />
<br />
I finished it anyway. I figured, in for a penny, in for pound. I have already had about a dozen peaches in the past 2 weeks, so the damage was already done.<br />
<br />
With incredible generosity, <a href="http://www.syracuse.com/news/index.ssf/2014/07/wegmans_recalls_nectarines_plums_and_peaches_that_may_be_contaminated.html" target="_blank">Wegman's</a> has advised us to "visit the service desk at one of its stores for a full refund which will
be determined by the customer's<i> estimated count of product discarded</i>." I guess we're just SOL if we've already been poisoned by the product that was previously consumed.<br />
<br />
It is pretty bad that I may have fed the recalled fruit to my precious three year old granddaughter. And I am immuno-compromised. It could be catastrophic for either of us to develop this brutal bacterial infection. While I suppose it is a good thing to be advised of the recall, it really freaks me out that Wegman's<b><i> knows</i></b> that I bought their peaches. It is truly creepy that I can be traced by the groceries I buy.<br />
<br />
Now, is it my imagination, or am I feeling queasy...<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-86446939125211778752014-07-06T22:38:00.000-04:002014-07-06T22:38:59.683-04:00A Tanning RetrospectiveNot to be lazy or anything...ok, well maybe I am a <i>tad</i> bit lazy, but I am digging up some of my older posts, especially ones that received a few laughs in the past. Posts I intended to be funny, I might add.<br />
<br />
Someone was recently admiring a picture of our family at my son's wedding and they complimented my dress. I tried to respond politely, but I was not overly fond of that dress. For one thing, I had not lost the weight I wanted and was no comparison to the mother of the bride, who was not only a lovely person but was thin and drop dead gorgeous. Her dress was stunning. Mine was too, but for different reasons. None positive.<br />
<br />
I have super white skin and the beige of the dress gave me the pallor of a wasting disease without any actual wasting. So I got the brilliant idea of going to a tanning salon. The ensuing is a description of my first visit, which I originally posted in 2008:<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I cannot believe that I now have any experience with this
subject, which in the past I have expressed nothing but disdain for.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Disdain, that is, until I tried on a dress that made me
appear to be an illustration from “Ghosts of America”. My skin looked like the
white underbelly of a fish, blending with the beige of the dress to create the
understated yet hideous fashion statement of having a wasting disease.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My daughters go to the tanning salon on a regular basis.
“Isn’t it relaxing?” asked Mary Kate.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hmmmm.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Relaxing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why sure.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here are some of my relaxing thoughts:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Gosh this is loud.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is really scary.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is it supposed to be this loud?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe the bed is broken.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wonder if the girl remembered to set the timer.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe the timer is broken.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do I have enough bronzer on? I think I don’t have enough
bronzer on.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe I have too much bronzer on.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe I will turn orange.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think she forgot to set the timer.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Gosh it’s getting hot.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is hair flammable?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am positive she forgot to set the timer.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Could this bed be defective?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe it’s defective and has freakishly strong UV rays.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe I am going to burst into flames any minute. Starting
with my hair.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Agh!! Agh!!! I am going to end up in the burn center swathed
in bandages and loaded with IV pain killers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Actually, now that I mention it, that last part doesn’t
sound <i>too</i> bad.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She forgot to set the timer!! I know it, I know it!!! I am
going to be immolated, I know it!!! My children will gaze sadly at my charred
remains, hold each other and say “I hope she left <i>some</i> money.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The whole store will burn down and it will be all my fault.
It will be known as the “The Great Tanning Disaster of 2008” and will have my
name inexorably linked to it because it will turn out I had some weird genetic
predisposition to spontaneous combustion when exposed to a tanning bed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will not only die a horrible death, but an embarrassing
one too.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
CLICK!!!!!!! The machine snaps off. Phew!!! I am alive,
unscathed and, um… pink.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Alrighty then! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All
set for my next fry, errrr, rather, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">relaxing</i>,
session tomorrow. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can’t wait.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>:(</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-61613009042743344292014-06-15T23:01:00.000-04:002014-06-15T23:01:09.612-04:00Do It!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->I am such a passionate Anglophile that sometimes it actually
makes me seriously wonder about the possibility of past lives.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have felt the pull of England ever since I can remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Childhood reading always leaned to plots that
took place in the UK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The same with any
kind of movie or television show. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, if I really analyzed the attraction,
it would be simple and straightforward, nothing to do with mysticism or
reincarnation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For one thing, many of
the people I grew up around, neighbors, family and family friends, were from
the British Isles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My father worked for
what was then B.O.A.C. , now British Airways, and many of his colleagues were
transplants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Three of my childhood best
friends were from England and Scotland.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was surrounded by ex-pats and, for the most part, these were very,
very nice people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So in my little head
being British was synonymous with being kind, interesting and funny.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Additionally, there is the whole history thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am captivated by the idea of connections to
the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are still huge chunks of
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Roman</i> walls dotting London!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The antiquity is hugely romantic and
attractive to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also love
churches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of them, little country
stone ones and soaring, self-conscious cathedrals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>England has so many marvelous specimens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All these factors add up to an irresistible
allure. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a freshman in high school, we were assigned to write our autobiography,
along with what we wanted to do in the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Naturally, I wrote I wanted to move to and work in England.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My father made me change it because he said
it sounded pretentious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only in my
family would you be made to change your own life story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sigh. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To be fair, many people are raised to be wary and
restrained.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the not-so-subtle
message I received was don’t follow your dreams, hold onto doubt, don’t be good
to yourself, be cautious, be fearful.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At any rate, there was an article in the New York Times this
week, by the writer <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/08/travel/lost-in-time-in-englands-northeast.html?src=me&_r=0#" target="_blank">Jane Smiley</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
had recently been traveling in the Northeast section of England, an area of
wild and occasionally bleak landscape, overflowing with historic, literary and
religious connections.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All right up my
alley.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is a wonderful writer and her
description of the area was so evocative you literally could feel as though you
were there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I wasn’t there, no matter
how badly I wanted to be, and I never would be there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was sobbing by the second sentence.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most days I can hang in there and just deal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But sometimes I am simply overwhelmed by the
losses I have experienced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Reading this
blissful description of a bucolic trip that would be a dream come true for me, but
one I can never again take, pushed me over the edge.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Never one to mince words, I jumped onto the comment
column.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of the commenters were
leaving notes of fond memories of either similar trips or nostalgia from
growing up there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My comment was this:
GO!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>DO IT!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t wait for a perfect time or a perfect
anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If these illnesses have taught
me anything it is that clichés are true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">can’t</i> take it with
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</i> too short.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do</i> only live once.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had four kids to raise and I do not regret any sacrifice I
had to make for them, although nothing ever seemed like a sacrifice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would have done anything for them. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few years ago I had briefly considered
taking a short trip to London by myself, but ultimately realized that being
there with them is what would be a truly wonderful experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I treasure those memories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I
wish I had been more organized in planning my dreams. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish I had gone again and again, no matter
what I had to give up to get there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
thought I had all the time in the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And I was so wrong.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My mantra to my children has always been “Reach for the moon”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am extending it and amending it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I can impart any advice it would be
this:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Reach for the moon, and do it <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">now</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t wait.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Follow your passion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do what you love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do it, just do it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I must have struck a chord, because my comment is the number
one recommended remark following the article, endorsed by 88 people as of
today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope those 88 have a blast pursuing what
they love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just as I hope that for all
of you as well.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKSYM9hRxLscUKf6NfjeF-05RFRNylklha0mokjq-VB8dVWAF5gf_zjqETlZFNW2KZBNMtOAeDt5ceCj5mm0FV5sT5q1MM7V25tPzUz-ksX4EUZZC_o_jhGLvZQ4pZa4279GiEa4YaDvFL/s1600/coopers+london+rest.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKSYM9hRxLscUKf6NfjeF-05RFRNylklha0mokjq-VB8dVWAF5gf_zjqETlZFNW2KZBNMtOAeDt5ceCj5mm0FV5sT5q1MM7V25tPzUz-ksX4EUZZC_o_jhGLvZQ4pZa4279GiEa4YaDvFL/s1600/coopers+london+rest.jpg" height="216" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Cooper children outside the Salieri Restaurant, The Strand, London May, 1999</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-57817985642505059242014-05-16T12:17:00.001-04:002014-05-16T12:19:12.497-04:00One Smart Cookie<br />
My daughter, her little girls and I got together on Monday
for Mother’s Day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was one day late, but
as I have been under the weather, and her husband was working late, it worked out
fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is so easy going, her company
is just a pleasure.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
The only thing is, she wanted Chinese food for dinner and I
am simply not a fan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I used to be, but I
worked in a Chinese restaurant when I was in high school and I just developed
Chinese Food Overload. To dispel any horrible misconceptions or fallacies, I
will tell you from the get-go, the restaurant, family-run and based in a store front, was immaculate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The food <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">was</i>
what it said it was and the owners were kind, modest, extraordinarily hard
working people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although the Grandma
viewed me with perpetual suspicion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Always peering at me out of the corner of her eye, she apparently never
quite believed I was not going to sabotage their good name in some careless,
disrespectful, American teenage way. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Remember, also, this was the early 1970’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite being a clueless, harmless dork, I
was viewed as a treacherous hippie by some of the more conservative older
generation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But back to the restaurant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Dealing with all the food just got to be too much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each shift the work was relentless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
rolled wontons, made mustard from mustard powder, prepared rice and fried
shrimp toast. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was always broiling hot,
with dozens of pots and pans continuously spewing grease and steam.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes I
was the only one working who spoke English. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I answered the non-stop phone and took
non-stop orders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got yelled at
constantly by Grandma, who would never accept a Westerner could prepare the
food as well as someone who was Chinese (she probably was right). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I answered zillions of questions from the
customers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s in this, what’s in
that, what does this taste like?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As if I
could explain to someone what something tasted like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was such a brat I used to say “It tastes
like chicken” and then would try not to laugh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My Number One personal favorite question, however, was when customers, apparently
surprised to find an American kid working there, would ask me if I was Chinese.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I would be honored to be Chinese.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are talking about an incredible culture of
art, music, literature and philosophy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Who would not be proud to be of Chinese descent?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, I look about as Irish as you can
get.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look as though I just emerged
from the valleys of western Ireland, which is exactly where my ancestors did
immigrate from. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, again, being a
clown/brat (take your choice), I started replying “Yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I am indeed Chinese.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I always wanted to add “…you knucklehead.” Because
I figured anyone dumb enough to ask that question deserved a snarky answer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although I realize now the chances of them
getting the joke was pretty much nil. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
I just got my own private little giggle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Add all these things together, plus an unfortunate return on an investment
of too much Egg Foo Young one night, along the way I just lost my taste for
Chinese food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But Mary Kate loves it and
she is so good to me, I couldn’t give her a hard time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> So </span>Chinese food for Mother’s Day it was.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After she and the girls left, I saw the ubiquitous fortune
cookies had been left behind on the kitchen counter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I made a cup of tea and opened the first
one, expecting to have a good laugh at the preposterous syntax and ‘message’ I
was about to be presented with.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know they are random.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I know they have no base in reality what so ever and are spit out by a
machine in a factory somewhere in Queens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But here is what I read:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHxXhd8pt4YhIbCBMLU4Ug2DaXGjWxakhI2lOzzBGQktEs1EULByoq3ejes4NV2YsWM_BUJqBtC-in7-XSogzWbAJjwhQuo2FvPx4hvXjoqYkRcthMhdlWkcsdhRttz1TorA55XbY7a_Sn/s1600/fortune+cookie+waste.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHxXhd8pt4YhIbCBMLU4Ug2DaXGjWxakhI2lOzzBGQktEs1EULByoq3ejes4NV2YsWM_BUJqBtC-in7-XSogzWbAJjwhQuo2FvPx4hvXjoqYkRcthMhdlWkcsdhRttz1TorA55XbY7a_Sn/s1600/fortune+cookie+waste.jpg" height="108" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyone who has been reading this blog knows I am dealing
with a very poor cancer prognosis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
even worse, I have faced some devastating issues involving family members I
love deeply.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These concerns, these
losses, are on my mind almost constantly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Life <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</i> too short.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And hating is a <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">total</b> waste of time and energy, even if you are not sick. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At a time when there is so much rancor in my family, I just
pray that this otherwise worthless piece of paper might suggest a message of
peace and forgiveness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish more than
anything that people I love can find compassion and tolerance in their hearts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing on the face the earth could feel
better. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, because the universe loves a good giggle, the
next fortune cookie read:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Statistics are no substitute for judgment.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo-vWToOrVixj-IcZW-l258HqEDkIOKeSBhG_TWRU-2OxiZ89Etab8Sq9ibWNlyOCmZth1LthSOQHksEcovRjPr29uT-2ZghSDMWhWtrhAHSAsJFKuqf0AdU8zaQhGm24cbaUtuUOCiniO/s1600/fortune+cookie+statistics.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo-vWToOrVixj-IcZW-l258HqEDkIOKeSBhG_TWRU-2OxiZ89Etab8Sq9ibWNlyOCmZth1LthSOQHksEcovRjPr29uT-2ZghSDMWhWtrhAHSAsJFKuqf0AdU8zaQhGm24cbaUtuUOCiniO/s1600/fortune+cookie+statistics.jpg" height="81" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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?!?!?</div>
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<br /></div>
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I’ll stick with the message I actually understand, thank you
very much. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-67732490580629689082014-04-17T01:15:00.000-04:002014-04-17T01:15:25.630-04:00Promises, Promises<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
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</xml><![endif]-->Wow, I have never gone so long without writing a blog
post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Over two months!</span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Writing this blog is probably one of the most rewarding, gratifying, fun things I have ever experienced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It has given me a chance to do the things I love the most: write, make
people laugh, reflect on subjects that seem interesting or current,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>brag about my adored children and
grandchildren.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I have received feedback, not just in comments, but in e-mails, from strangers telling me how much something I have written has touched them, encouraged them and/or inspired them. </span> Unfortunately, I feel I have been letting
myself down in not keeping the blog current.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose part of that lapse is because things
have changed so drastically since I started writing it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Although it also could be because I have been so sick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But surely I should be capable of at least a
few words?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I am really disappointed in myself.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had promised myself I would write certain number of posts
per week, or even as few as one per month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ve tried giving blog posts catchy titles, to remind me to keep on schedule,
like Photo Friday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This one would be a no
brainer, I thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a zillion
snaps I can tell stories about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it
had a built in reminder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who could
forget it was Friday?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, me for
starters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“No brainer” seemed to be the
operative phrase here.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I had the brilliant idea of combining a prayer with a
clip of something funny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See afore
mentioned no brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyone else would
have realized, practically immediately, there just aren’t that many amusing
prayer subjects out there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At least not
ones that would lend themselves to a laugh-out-loud video clip.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have sadly neglected my other two blogs as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The one about books should be the easiest
thing in the world to write, as it is a subject I can go on about for hours. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My MS Renegade blog has also been left
flapping in the breeze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is so much
to say about living with MS, so much I could share with others that might help
even a little, but I keep breaking my promises.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However, as we all know, promises break all the time, don’t they?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sunday, April 17, 1977, I became a mother for the first
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I promised myself I would be the
best mother ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I read every
book I could get my hands on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I embraced
new age theory, breastfeeding, the family bed, marsupial mothering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The counter-promise was apparently an
emotionally fulfilled child, the most important thing, of course.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But for me, of a peer group that was fraught
with challenges between the generations, the other exciting assurance was true
and deep friendship with my children as they grew.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVnJdpXJDjDPHnaKFFoCgCrAymCBil83YQQO9e_EIKipsYm3ev31gAe-UnUATGc67cE0mX0_OtILtH71NC6O08Cz7hBXSNEjSHLXb15OwbMlSqrxuA4WJJESPb8sojbh6KypDO59ABPowD/s1600/kids+1990+approx.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVnJdpXJDjDPHnaKFFoCgCrAymCBil83YQQO9e_EIKipsYm3ev31gAe-UnUATGc67cE0mX0_OtILtH71NC6O08Cz7hBXSNEjSHLXb15OwbMlSqrxuA4WJJESPb8sojbh6KypDO59ABPowD/s1600/kids+1990+approx.jpg" height="200" width="181" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My darling children, circa 1990</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Best intentions notwithstanding, being human, I have not been a
perfect parent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did not come close to
the lofty goals I set for myself, although I do not believe I was all<i> that</i> bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had enormous fun with my children, was
graced with tremendous joy in watching them grow as people and mature into
adults that I was so proud of, people I was so happy to spend time with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had fun together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We traveled together, got together and played
board games, made each other laugh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
despite my failings, I thought we were still friends.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But those promises have shattered as well, with agonizing
estrangement from two of my beloved children. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I have written before, the year I turned fifty my
children and my sister threw me a spectacularly affectionate and loving
birthday party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a blast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They planned it as a surprise and later told
hilarious stories of how much fun they had organizing it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was thrilled and grateful that they had taken so much trouble to make me happy. But, taking things completely for granted, I had
stupidly assumed these relationships would simply continue to flourish and thrive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These were literally my best
friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They publicly announced their
love and admiration for me at the party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> But what changed? </span>Were
they making it up?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Had they always
despised me but just kept it to themselves?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The promise of loving each other forever seemed to be there that
wonderful day, but appears to have evaporated into thin air.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The void this has left is unspeakably painful
and literally causes me to howl with grief at times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have lost so much already, to lose them on
top of everything is unbearable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thirty seven years of memories as a mother flash through my
brain, all organized around my overpowering love for my children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And underneath all I can see are all the
things I have done wrong, despite my best intentions, despite my promises.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will continue to try to write my blog despite being broken
hearted and miserably sick. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">While I was given a blissful reprieve by the steroids, as I predicted, my symptoms have returned with a vengeance. The cancer has spread yet again and a trial of chemo started 10 days ago had to be stopped when the side effects, particularly shortness of breath, became untenable. Without chemo, </span>I do
not have a great deal of time left. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">My doctor ordered a hospice evaluation this week. By continuing to write, </span>I want to share successes and achievements.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to laugh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to write commentary on issues that matter to me. I want to live until the end.<br />
<br />
I am surrounded by loving, fun,
supportive friends who cheer me on and celebrate my writing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cling to the premise that there must be a
reason for this cordon of support, this core of loyalty and affection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But this is not easy. The individuals who are so bitterly angry
with me, family members that I loved and trusted, assure me that my wonderful
friends are kind to me only because they don’t know what I truly am: an
evil, selfish, manipulative liar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For someone like me, with inherent Low Self Esteem, it can
be easy to buy into such a pronouncement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After all, it comes from people who have known me their entire lives,
people who profess to know me better than anyone on the planet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So they can make such a proclamation, right?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But here’s the thing…I cannot accept that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While my heart is utterly shattered by the estrangement from my children, I have
to believe that God surrounded me with the love of my friends, my remaining
children and my grandchildren, as a comfort and a gift.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His love is a promise I have to believe in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the only thing that can keep me going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will pray for the few who harbor such animosity towards me, that they might find peace and tolerance and maybe even reconciliation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I will rejoice in those hundreds who celebrate me
and who share joy and generosity of spirit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will be honest. It is devastating having cancer, MS and very few treatment options. But missing my children is worse than all those disasters put together and has rendered me a sniveling, weeping, sloppy mess. As part of an effort to stay calm and strong, I am trying to meditate and pray. According to the medieval mystic <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julian_of_Norwich" target="_blank">Julian of Norwich</a>, this assurance,
<u>this</u> promise, comes directly from God’s mouth:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all
manner of things shall be well."</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He <i>promises</i>! And when my knees are buckling with grief and fear, that promise is holding me up. Thank you, Lord. <br />
<br />
Amen.</div>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-34881713147548845712014-02-14T06:29:00.000-05:002014-02-14T06:29:39.097-05:00The Poison Miracle<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">does</i>
exist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>AND I WAS AWAKE FOR NEARLY FORTY
EIGHT HOURS AS <u>LIVING</u> <u>PROOF</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Its name is Solumedrol and it is a steroid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>The Miracle Part</u>:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>I have been virtually incapacitated since
I got out of the hospital before Christmas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Walking was agony. The soles of my feet have been on fire due to
neuropathy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having anything press
against them, even brush against them, was torturous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My legs were too weak to swing up onto my bed
anymore, so what little I slept was either in a recliner or sitting on the side
of the bed, leaning against a pile of pillows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because it hurt so much to take even a few steps, I could not sew at the
sewing machine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or get to the bathroom
promptly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been getting
progressively shorter of breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even
though I am using the ventilator, I am gasping for breath with the least
exertion. Getting to the kitchen to make so much as a cup of tea brought me to
tears because it was just so darn hard. As a matter of fact, that is
practically all I did, sit and weep in spurts as I brooded over everything and
anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was frantic and terrified
about having metastasized cancer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
sobbed over the children I miss so much and prayed desperately I could make
things right again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t like
television, and couldn’t focus anyway, so I didn’t watch it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t concentrate on reading.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wondering how long I even have left, I just saw
a lifetime of this humiliating <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>suffering
ahead of me, knowing despite what some people believe, I am neither brave nor
dignified. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It finally occurred to me to call the doctor and ask for
some help. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thursday I started a course
of intravenous Solumedrol at approximately 3 p.m.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By 4:30 Friday morning, I had significantly
less pain on walking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was already a
little less short of breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My feet
were not burning as much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did spend
the night in the recliner in the sunroom (even though I didn’t sleep), but I
was relatively comfortable for the first time in months. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I watched two British TV series (<em>Broadchurch</em>
and <em>Collision</em>, both fantastic) and actually was able to concentrate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I even made a cup of tea without crying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This won’t last forever, relapses are
inevitable, but steroids truly are a miracle for now.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>The Poison Part</u>:</b>
Steroids affect every part of your body, just like MS, only in different ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They cause weight gain and salt
retention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Although I am the only
person in existence who could develop a wasting disease and not actually
waste).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It causes increased blood
sugar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A higher likelihood for
infection. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lowered immunity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hair
loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mood disorders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Skin problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Increased blood pressure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Weakened bones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kidney problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>INSOMNIA.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Is that enough?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ironically, I
don’t get a common side effect that I am prone to when I am not on steroids:
depression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps it is simply relief,
or maybe I am going nuttier than usual, but I am positively giddy with
happiness right now.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Belated Holiday
Update</span></b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Christmas was lovely, thanks to my daughter, who, despite
being eight months pregnant, made it a peaceful, blessed holiday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She decorated the house beautifully and we
had a fun Christmas morning with Maddy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The only pall over the season was the absence of my other three
children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss them so much sometimes
I literally cannot breathe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just talking
about them or looking at their pictures, those beautiful, precious faces that I
love so much, makes me cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I lived for
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without them I often feel I have
nothing left to live for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to force
myself to remember to focus on what I do have, my God, my daughter, the two
grandchildren I know, my fifth grandchild due any minute, my friends and loved
ones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are my blessings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I must be grateful for them. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">am</i>
grateful for them. But I am truly bereft at what I am missing.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Computer Issues<o:p></o:p></span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Because I sleep so poorly and because I am on this wild cacophony
of medications, I am notorious for spontaneously falling asleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I fall asleep talking on the phone or in
person, it makes no difference, and there is usually no warning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At least twice I have conked out on my dear
friend Robin, who is a perfectly interesting and entertaining companion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But to my humiliation and regret, I have
managed to lose consciousness despite her many charms. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has let herself out.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The worst part of this is falling asleep with a cup of
something in my hand, whereupon I will wake up bathed in the substance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is not fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank goodness I have not had a boiling cup
of tea in my hands, but I have had many a tepid one.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Not too long ago I dozed off holding a small cup of ice
cream.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It melted and seeped under some
of the keys on the left side of my laptop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I did finally wake up, the keys were sticky, but functional.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After two weeks of this I got a brilliant
idea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ice cream didn’t hurt the
laptop, but the stickiness was irritating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So, I thought I would try a few drops of water to wash away the ice
cream.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, that is correct, I, the
product of approximately 22 years of education, decided to wash out my laptop
with actual water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It took me roughly 30 seconds to completely destroy it.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I tried blowing on the keys to dry them (I have a lot of hot
air, as anyone who reads this blog is aware).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I tried the hair dryer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried
the ever popular shake-it-real-hard and its cohort, bang-on-it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally I admitted defeat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mary Kate took it to the Geek Squad at Best
Buy, but they couldn’t salvage it either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had to get a new lap top, although I did get a bargain and the Geeks
transferred my hard drive to the new one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But something must have traveled with the old files, as I am having
tough time with the new computer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
cannot access my e-mail, Foxfire or Facebook.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am working on cleaning it up, but it is taking long time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lucky thing time is one thing I have plenty
of right now.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-40365227081172749102013-12-25T13:02:00.001-05:002013-12-25T13:02:09.854-05:00Christmas Reverie<br />
In this season of promise and expectation, my thoughts go to the myriad of Everyday Angels that surround me, my powerful circle of love and hope. You all, who have given me so much, will be in my heart forever. I know you will be richly rewarded for your gentle kindnesses and loving generosity. Especially those of you who know my many flaws but love me anyway, thank you for being role models of compassion. Your humanity inspires me. I pray that you all will be showered with blessings.<br />
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No matter what, I am so grateful for my children and the many treasured Christmas memories that revolve around them. Throughout the years, you four, individually and collectively, have given me more joyful moments than you will ever know. There is nothing you could ever do or say that could change my love for you. That love is for eternity.<br />
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December is such a busy month, and not just because of
Christmas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In our family, we have
significant dates on both ends of the spectrum of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have two precious grandchildren born in
December.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, sadly, my husband Dennis died in
December, five days before Christmas, twenty years ago this month. Our kids were
6, 8, 15 and 16.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was 39 and he was
only 40.</div>
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<br /></div>
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His death was a hideous shock.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was an active guy, slim and athletic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But he apparently had congenital heart
disease that was never picked up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The worst
thing I have ever had to do in my life was witness the suffering my children
endured at his loss and not be able to fix it or make it go away. Every subsequent family milestone that I went through alone at first was excruciatingly painful, then gradually faded to a dull poignancy. </div>
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<br /></div>
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We have four grandchildren now, will have five in
February.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would have been a marvelous
grandfather, because he was a big kid at heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was always up for playing a game, reading
a story, going for a walk or making up silly sayings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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A tugboat pilot, he was very good at his job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it was a career he had been caught in,
not a career he had chosen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At 17, a
neighbor gave him a job at Circle Line, the Manhattan sightseeing boats, as a
line catcher, the lowest job on the pier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(This neighbor just happened to be a <i>VP</i> at Circle Line).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dennis was a reliable, hard worker and
popular with the other guys, so he easily worked his way up to deckhand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because he was ambitious, he studied for and obtained his
pilot’s license, a notoriously hard accomplishment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He became a captain at Circle Line and then a
pilot on the tugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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But what he really wanted to be, more than anything, was a
high school gym teacher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would have
been fantastic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He loved kids and he
loved sports, he was a natural.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I
“helped” our kids with their homework, I was shrieking maniac within 15
seconds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was endlessly patient.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But he never had the luxury of quitting his
job to go back to school, he had a family to support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So he settled for being an autodidact and was
quite learned in many subjects, especially the Civil War and geography.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We used to challenge each other to Jeopardy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Getting comfortable on the sofa, our younger
son would sit between us and keep score.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We’d turn the show on and most of the time it would be neck and
neck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if I won, it was usually just
because I had a faster mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was
always a good loser, whereas if I lost, I would pout.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was years before I could watch
Jeopardy again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It just made me too sad.</div>
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<br /></div>
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He was a die-hard New Yorker, something that had bonded him with my grandfather. These two complicated men had a genuine respect and fondness for each other. And like my grandfather, not-so-deep-down, Dennis was a quiet romantic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His favorite movies were <i>West Side Story</i>,<i>
It’s a Wonderful Life</i>, <i>The Quiet Man</i> and <i>Dog Day Afternoon</i>, all films about flawed men with huge
capacities to love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had a soft spot
for animals, with their helplessness and unconditional affection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was especially fond of an obscure TV movie
from 1969, <i>J.T.</i> It has only been broadcast once or twice since (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqSgRsqK4aA" target="_blank">although it is available here on YouTube, in 4 parts</a>).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i>J.T.</i> is set in Harlem, a touching but raw story about a lonely boy who secretly nurses an injured alley cat while trying to cope with the challenges of inner city life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dennis saw himself in that little boy and talked
about comparisons often.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although he had
his melancholy streak, he was incredibly funny and had a sharp wit, but plain
old slapstick, like <i>It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World</i>, could leave him crying
with laughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Golf was such a passion that he would have pitched a tent out on the
green if he could have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was
a great athlete and probably could have played professional baseball if he had
had the encouragement and support he needed as a kid.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Twenty years is an awfully long time<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">. </span>We had been married for 17, known each other
for 20, had four wonderful children together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He had a hard life and dealt with many challenges, some more
successfully than others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was a very
good man at heart, but I know he always wanted to be better. He was always striving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so sad for him that he has missed so
much. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes it seems as though he will walk through the door any second. It happens far less now, but I
still find myself occasionally thinking, “oh, I have to tell Dennis” and then I
remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I think he would have been very proud of my accomplishments. </span>It feels desperately unfair that his life was so short. But I want to believe he is in a place
of happiness and healing, far better off than I can comprehend.<br />
<br />
Merry Christmas, Dennis.<br />
<br />
Merry Christmas everyone.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0QyyNxiqe46EzF3J62L3rQYbeLVg41-qnScdr9pAAjCX6Ot21jXFr68ELIGPAei7peO5Es_9YNjmicRfDAyCB1xxAmLmhkdYsI6GiK8OUKDFTB3opjawSavpx_RwbqtTid1DFOSPfo5U3/s1600/believe+star.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0QyyNxiqe46EzF3J62L3rQYbeLVg41-qnScdr9pAAjCX6Ot21jXFr68ELIGPAei7peO5Es_9YNjmicRfDAyCB1xxAmLmhkdYsI6GiK8OUKDFTB3opjawSavpx_RwbqtTid1DFOSPfo5U3/s1600/believe+star.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fragment of a painting, <i>Shooting Star</i>, by<span class="post-labels"> Stephen Magsig </span><br />
<br />
<br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
Thank you Lord, for making Yourself one of us. Please strengthen our
faith in You. Please make us worthy of Your love and of each other.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-28663962190308063102013-12-07T21:42:00.000-05:002013-12-07T21:42:30.656-05:00Pray and LaughI didn't exactly <i>forget</i> to put up a Pray & Laugh post last Friday, as I said I was going to do each week. It is more a matter of still contemplating how I am going to apply it. Some issues it has occurred to me I need to pray about are deadly serious and certainly do not lend themselves to a subsequent laugh. But I still agree with my comrade in cancer from last week that it is essential to do both in order to heal. It is still a work in progress. However, I'm not going to worry about it. I know we will work something out together, with quiet inspiration from God, and it will fall into place. <br />
<br />
There have been several things on my mind the past two weeks. But the situation that seemed to loom the largest (and most expensive) was the fact our boiler was broken.<br />
<br />
When I bought my 80 year old house 14 years ago, there was much that needed repairing or replacing. The non-handyman who had owned the house before me left an awful mess of inept 'repairs'. Although I had paid a professional house inspector a significant amount of money and he had certified the house as in adequate condition, he was, let's see...how can I put this? COMPLETELY INCORRECT. The washer was illegally hooked into the sump pump. The roof needed immediate replacing. The attic conversion to two bedrooms and a bathroom had been done with no township permits and was not up to code, therefore two days before closing we found we could not get a Certificate of Occupancy. And that is just the tip of the list. I was naive and trusting. You might also say I was a smug, smarty pants know-it-all. Or an ominous combination of all, blinded by French doors, the sun room, the fireplace, the Craftsman built-ins, original hardware...you get the picture.<br />
<br />
Follow the picture to the full basement, three quarters finished, with a built in bar, pool table and separate laundry room. On the far wall of the finished space was a door. And behind that door was No Woman's Land. It was dark, dank, held dozens of shelves loaded with tons of man-stuff like metal and wood. There was a work table to do the kind of work that I, myself, certainly would never do. And there was...The Boiler.<br />
<br />
In an eighty year old house that had only had three owners in it's lifetime, you can expect radiators and an old boiler and that is exactly what I had. But it kept us warm and had been certified OK by the House Certifier, so I didn't give it a second thought.<br />
<br />
Nine years ago when my carbon dioxide detector went off one afternoon, with brilliant logic I said to myself "Gosh, the carbon monoxide detector is going off. The new toaster oven that I just bought must be defective. I hate it anyway, I will just get rid of it and get a new one."<br />
<br />
I know I am hearing some groaning out there. Before we go any further, let me remind you from kindergarten to high school to college, childbirth ed training, nursing school and graduate school, I have about 22 years of education. But back to our story...<br />
<br />
I pitch the harmless and helpless toaster oven out and buy a new one. Boy, those were the days. Sigh. Dumb AND well off. At any rate, lo and behold, the carbon monoxide detector goes off again one afternoon. "Gosh" I think, "There must be something wrong with the carbon monoxide detector. I better get a new one." So I get myself a new, ceiling-type CM detector. And what do you think happens? Why, THAT detector was broken too!!! What are the odds?!?!<br />
<br />
My sister was heading over to visit, so I asked her to run into Target on her way by and pick me up a new detector. She got a plug in one this time and I didn't look at it until after she left. I plugged it in to the kitchen outlet and the reading shot up to 50 ppm (parts per million). Safe is ZERO. Finally showing a modicum of the intelligence I supposedly had, I went down to the basement, back to the scary boiler room. Before I could even plug it in, I was already woozy and nauseous. But out of morbid curiosity, I had to know. The number zoomed up to 375. Even <b><i>I</i></b> knew this was bad. I opened all the basement windows on my way out, hit the Emergency Off switch for the furnace, got the dog and high tailed it out of there. Next call was to the boiler guy.<br />
<br />
The boiler guy was the same one who had installed the boiler fifty years earlier. Our children went to school together and I was friends with his wife because of that. He had a good reputation and offered a turn around time of one day. Best of all, I would have a new boiler and that issue would not be a problem for decades. <br />
<br />
For decades. Right? So why did I have no heat less than ten years later?<br />
<br />
Because that is the story of my life, that's why.<br />
<br />
The first repair person that I called two weeks ago came in dressed like someone exploring a spill at a nuclear power plant. He gave his dire-you're-lucky-you're-not-dead speech and estimate of $13,000. I was still sobbing when he left.<br />
<br />
The next repair person was arranged for me by a high school classmate. His technician was funny and kind and thought he had found the problem, but it wouldn't stay lit. After a few more tries like that and a week of very cold nights, it was determined we did indeed need a new boiler. No one could figure out why the old one gave up and the guy who had installed it for me was now in his 90's and the business was closed. The question was moot anyway. I had just gotten out of the hospital and we were freezing. I didn't know how I was going to pay for it but the owner of this second company, along with his tech and my classmate, worked out an incredible deal for me. They worked for hours on Thanksgiving eve, until almost 9 p.m., to make sure I would have heat again. Despite my snarky comments, once again I was blown away by the amazing kindness and generosity of truly good people.<br />
<br />
<u><b><i>The Prayer</i></b></u><br />
<br />
I am so incredibly lucky to have the support of friends and the support of <i>their</i> friends. This care has seen me through many crises, not just the boiler debacle. But I know while we are warm this Thanksgiving and have much to be thankful for, there are far many more who are suffering right now. This prayer is for those who do not have access to warmth, the where-with-all to get help or do not have help available at all.<br />
<br />
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<b><i>For Those Who Are Cold This Night</i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Lord, I thank you for the warmth and safety of my home and
for putting in my path people who could and did help me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Please comfort those tonight who are struggling to survive without this consolation, those who are cold or homeless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Allow your love to spark in their hearts, to give them hope and the
resources to seek help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For those who
cannot reach out, for those who are too beaten down or too unwell, please give
them some sense of relief or healing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let them feel the blanket of your love and
peace surround them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Open the eyes and
hearts of those of us passing them by, that we might be aware and provide
whatever help we can or, at the very least, to pray for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I humbly ask this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Amen.</i></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<u><i><b>The Laugh</b></i></u><br />
<br />
Because I love to laugh, I admire and envy all the comic geniuses who have treated us to their many and varied gifts. As far as I am concerned, Peter Cook and Dudley Moore are two who are at the top of the list. These brilliant men ironically led tortured, unhappy lives. But, luckily for us, they have left a legacy of hilarious performances. This is one of my favorites, "The One-Legged Tarzan". <i><b> </b></i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/njK6zQp2Fdk?rel=0" width="320"></iframe>
<span id="hotword"></span><br />
<span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="color: #333333; cursor: default; text-decoration: none;"></span></span><b><span id="hotword"> </span></b><br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-84105098255908179002013-11-28T14:06:00.000-05:002013-11-28T14:06:35.908-05:00Thanksgiving 2013<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--> If I allow myself, I can have a splendid wallow in the muck
of all the tough things I am dealing with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>MS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stage 4 cancer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Severely diminished financial status.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Worst of all, most painful of all,
estrangement from people that I love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>People I will always love and miss terribly.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a big however, however.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(giggle)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am surrounded by an incredible, amazing, brilliant aura of love and
support that is indefatigable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
network includes childhood friends from growing up in the Bronx. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>My beloved cousin Steve, a stable, affectionate
presence since I was born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Classmates
ranging from grade school to grad school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Friends from my days as a young mother and La Leche League leader. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Friends from a lifetime of jobs, notably B.
Dalton Books, The Asbury Park Press, teaching childbirth classes at Jersey
Shore Medical Center, Healthnet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Friendships that grew through our children’s friendships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Friends from church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Friends who used to be neighbors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Friends
I met through other friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fellow
writers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are true friends, not acquaintances.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are people who have cried with me and
for me, joined in prayer with me, laughed with me, shared their love and lives
and individual gifts with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most
importantly, these are people who have never let me forget I am loved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They bring light and joy to me as
effortlessly as you would take a breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And when I express amazement and gratitude at their friendship, they
express amazement that I am surprised.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is a funny, continuous circle of “<i>You</i> love <i>me</i>?!?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But <i>why</i>?!?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i>You</i> are the one who is wonderful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No, <i>you</i> are the one who is wonderful!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No, <i>you</i> are the one who is wonderful!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And on and on.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Make no mistake, I have many, many low moments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am no Pollyanna.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Constant pain is overwhelming and can
obliterate all sensible thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fear of
the unknown, of the future, or of the lack of a future, sneaks up on me, leaving
me breathless and sick to my stomach. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thinking of the losses I’ve experienced can
make me bitter and full of self pity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Animosity from
people I love has been astonishing and heartbreaking. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are many desperately down times and I
have to struggle awfully hard to rise up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some days I barely make it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
awareness of the incredible affection and sincerity of the dear ones around me
holds me up, keeping me from sinking completely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know it sounds corny, and the phrase has
been in more than a few song lyrics, but they give me the strength to keep
going when there is so much threatening to drag me down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is the dedication of all these remarkable people that
gives me the capacity to say I have SO much to be thankful for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I truly do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope all of you reading this have as much
to be grateful for as I do.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Happy Thanksgiving!! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpBMv2_S_3DDzxxWO0-oomYvoEnB2exkr1TNHMkHZOu2A8p2_KH7h6JvUPIzuRAR9ioDdVLWVnOFy9PKszNDUZmIxLk0QaS-yNc4SMZRVVtGr5x6AcGFOt2ofu4NxN_pU48lSl218WsTth/s1600/love-inspirational-daily.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpBMv2_S_3DDzxxWO0-oomYvoEnB2exkr1TNHMkHZOu2A8p2_KH7h6JvUPIzuRAR9ioDdVLWVnOFy9PKszNDUZmIxLk0QaS-yNc4SMZRVVtGr5x6AcGFOt2ofu4NxN_pU48lSl218WsTth/s320/love-inspirational-daily.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><strong><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians+13:8&version=NIV"></a></strong><strong><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians+13:8&version=NIV">1 Corinthians 13:8</a></strong></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-11027130230779099932013-11-22T22:20:00.000-05:002013-11-22T22:26:01.290-05:00Praying/Laughing Friday<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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people God puts in your way for a reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Although he was an utter stranger, he knew something of my
struggles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And he gave me two words of
advice for survival:<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Pray<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Laugh</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was as simple as that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He swore those two efforts are what got him through his own difficulties
in the past.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I am going to try to make this a once a week thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Praying/Laughing Friday (I know, I know, it is an awful title; I haven't been able to think of anything clever).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even as I type that I think about all the
things I think are funny that would seem horribly sacrilegious paired with
prayer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also think of all the weeks
when I have no idea it even <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</i>
Friday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am going to give it a try
anyway.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(P.S.: Anyone with a better title idea or other suggestions are welcome.) </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>PRAYER:</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For today I have just included some quotes from the Bible that have always been a struggle for me to follow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love my
<i>enemies</i>?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want their faces to fall off
and their tongues to fall out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok, maybe
just the tongue part, they can keep their faces.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But love?!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
According to Jesus it is cut and dry:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Luke 6:27-28</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>27 Jesus said, "But I tell you who hear me: <u><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Love</span></u> your enemies,<u> <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do good</span></u> to those who hate you, 28 <u><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bless</span></u> those who curse you, <u><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pray</span></u>
for those who mistreat you." </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And just how is love defined, anyway?<i><b> </b></i><br />
<br />
<i><b>1 Corinthians 13</b></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0in;">
<i>13 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do
not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have
the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I
have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If
I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may
boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.</i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does
not boast, it is not proud. 5<u> <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It does not
dishonor others</span></u>, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, <u><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">it keeps no record of wrongs</span></u>. 6 Love
does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects,
always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.</i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>8 Love never fails. </i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But<u> the
greatest of these is love</u>.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I said in my last blog post, it breaks my heart
personally and globally that we human beings do not treat each other
better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re all guilty of it, although I do know some people who seem exceptionally benevolent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So here is my prayer for this Friday: <i><b>Pray for those who mistreat
you, because love never fails.</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><b>AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY FUNNY:</b></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What I have attached here should be a public service video for parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When my boys were little, I was a total
nutrition fanatic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I made my own snacks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I only served wheat bread (when the boys had
white bread for the first time, they thought it was cake.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After I found out Ryan had traded his
homemade granola bar for a Twinkie at school, I actually wept.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yep, I was ca-ray-zeee.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I turned my boys into the world’s worst
eaters.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By the time the girls came along, I had pretty much given up
and let them eat what they wanted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And wouldn't you know, they
developed varied and healthy food choices, all on their own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I fully support Bill Cosby’s philosophy in
this hilarious video.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/zuamlBQ2aW4?rel=0" width="320"></iframe>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-60918438406349408412013-11-16T19:29:00.000-05:002013-11-16T19:29:09.640-05:00We Often Hurt the Ones We Love. Even the Ones We Don’t Love. So Why Do We Do That, Anyway?<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Online today I read an interesting statement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“When someone tells you they are going to be
brutally honest, “ it was observed, “they usually mean they are going to be
more brutal than honest.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a
timely remark, as I have recently been on the receiving end of just such a
verbal mugging.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Days before I was scheduled to have a malignant tumor
removed from my left breast, I received an e-mail from someone I loved and trusted
implicitly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It had been a while since I
had heard from them, but I hadn’t really given it much thought. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It never occurred to me that something was
wrong, I just figured they were busy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then
I discovered accidentally that this person was upset because I hadn’t called them
after they had some minor surgery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
I learned this, I sent an e-mail to apologize.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I tried to explain what had been going on in my head and I asked, affectionately,
if we could put this behind us and move on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Under ordinary circumstances, I told them, of course I would have
called.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the circumstances hadn’t
been ordinary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had just discovered I
had cancer and I was out of my mind with fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>One of the worst aspects of chronic and/or serious illness, I have found,
is how it can take over your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While
you are acutely ill, it is easy to become very self-centered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had multiple sclerosis, lymphedema that had
crippled my legs, a gall bladder abscess, which left me with a drain coming out
of my abdomen and, now, metastatic breast cancer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I can no longer drive or walk more than a few steps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am in constant, debilitating pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My career and financial security have gone
up in smoke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With all this swirling
around me, I was consumed with anxiety and depression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So this person’s surgery, relatively minor
but, of course, important to them, just did not register on my radar screen.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am ashamed and embarrassed to be so self-absorbed, but my
friends have expressed their understanding and have been supportive and patient
with my preoccupation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They know this
isn’t my usual nature and they are helping me ride it out as I find my way
through this health nightmare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately,
unbeknownst to me, this one person had no such empathy and had been nurturing a
horde of grievances for months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
were just being eaten alive by their growing anger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So they decided this was the perfect time to
let me have it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In response to my
conciliatory e-mail, under the guise of ‘being honest’, their devastating reply
contained a list, with dates, of my many, many, many faults and failings, going
back over a year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was written with
such venom and bitterness I was literally left breathless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was horrified by my perceived crimes, which
included my selfishness, my hygiene, my weight, my housekeeping, my decision
making, my life choices and my parenting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was even faulted for having cancer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was stunned by the malice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And grieved that I had been so out of touch that I had no idea this
person had harbored such a consuming rage. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unaware,
I had readily trusted them with my most private thoughts, welcomed them into my
home, believed we were the closest of friends. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet all the while they were seething with
resentment, blame and judgment that gradually escalated into a frenzy of 1600
furious, wounding words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nowhere in the
message did they mention having any sympathy for me, there was only blame for how
my misfortune angered and embarrassed them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My friends all offer, constantly, to help me with shopping, cleaning,
laundry, or just keeping me company.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
they do all these things for me cheerfully and generously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But another notable omission from the e-mail
was any indication of a desire to assist me in any way, except by telling me
what to do and what I had done wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
actually had been like that for years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But because I loved this person, I had chosen to turn a blind eye to that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, in the face of this brutal verbal
attack, I realized how blind I truly had been.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Almost immediately, the shock and hurt of this censure set
off a myriad of MS symptoms, which happens when I am particularly
stressed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A course of IV steroids is
what helps a bad MS relapse, but as I was heading into surgery, this was out of
the question. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I realized I had to deal
with the situation with compassion yet as much distance as possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was devastated that I had upset this person
so much and, just as bad, had been so clueless about it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sent a brief email in response.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did not even attempt to defend myself
against the accusations, which were a ranting mix of exaggerations,
unreasonable expectations and flat out fabrications.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here
I was at one of the lowest points of my life and this person chose to make sure
I knew they thought I was a gross, unsanitary, obese, selfish, slatternly
embarrassment. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew it would be
pointless to initiate a debate and defensiveness was not what I wanted to
communicate anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to express
my shock and sadness at having been so out of touch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t hide my distress at this terrible
battering by someone who purported to love me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I ended my message by telling the person I would pray for them. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was praying that they would receive some
relief from the incredible anger they were holding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I added, to my sorrow, please do not
contact me again, as their malicious words were simply too hard for me to move
past in the foreseeable future.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As the days passed I was haunted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Especially now that I have Stage IV cancer, I
have been giving a great deal of consideration to the life I have led and the
life I am leading.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life in general,
actually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What possesses a person to
launch an attack like that on anyone, never mind someone they supposedly love
and someone who was terribly ill?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What did it take to choose the ugliest of
words, the most wounding accusations and fling them out there?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why would you want to intentionally hurt and
embarrass someone, anyone?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why do people
deliberately and casually do mean, even cruel or evil, things?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This whole concept prompted me to do some online reading.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was no surprise to find there are
practically as many reasons as there are people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, excepting severe mental illness or brain
damage, a few common scenarios bubbled to the top.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When it is a one-off thing, fairly uncommon
and out of character for the perpetrator, probably the most simple explanation
is that the sender is just plain old garden variety mad and is lashing out in
retaliation. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For people who are
chronically abusive, elemental theory makes a case for low self-esteem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You feel bad, so making someone feel worse
will perk you right up, the kick-the-dog-syndrome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is crucial to some people that they feel
“better” than those around them, prettier, thinner, more attractive, more
successful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you are looking down on
someone, you must therefore be superior to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feeling superior helps to temporarily mask
feelings of insecurity and anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
feeling superior is essential to their self-worth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another possibility is personality disorder,
especially narcissism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For a narcissist,
it is all about them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With little to no
empathy for others, they often don’t even realize how hurtful their words and
behavior are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is the sad/mad deal too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The person feels sad or hurt but really has
never learned how to express that in a mature or effective way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So they lash out instead of discussing the
issue.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who knows what the thought process was behind the terrible,
hurtful message I received?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter what
the cause, what is sad and scary is how common and accepted meanness is,
whether it is being rude to a waitress, not holding a door, cutting someone off
in traffic - or writing a wounding e-mail.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
I read Hannah Arendt’s “Eichmann
in Jerusalem: A Report on the Banality of Evil” while I was in college over
forty years ago and it made a huge impression on me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Clearly my experience does not compare to the
Holocaust and I know Arendt’s reputation has declined over the past few
decades.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the phrase she coined, “the
banality of evil”, from the first time I read it, has stuck with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though some now denounce it as a cliché,
I believe it is an apt and accurate definition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Evil acts are not always, or even usually, done by drooling, crazed
maniacs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Much of the cruelty in this
world is perpetrated by ordinary, and ordinary looking, every day people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People who look just like you and me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, they often have been people just
like you and me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, I realized as I
was analyzing the question, in at least one case, it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">was</i> me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had a dreadful, bitter disagreement with my brother about
two years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had not been close for
a long while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the time, I believed he
had acted badly over something that had been important to me and I told him
just what I thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him with few
words, but, to my disgrace, they were well chosen to inflict as much pain as
possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He replied to that message,
but I didn’t read his response, so I’ll never know if he responded in kind or
kindly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was already ashamed that I had
been intentionally spiteful and I did not want to perpetuate the negativity, so
I deleted his reply unread.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We haven’t
spoken since.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want to tell him how sorry I am, perhaps by<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>post card, as he probably wouldn’t
read a letter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I wonder if such a
gesture would be more self-serving than anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all know, unfortunately, being sorry or
saying I’m sorry does not undo the hurt we inflict.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can’t erase those words once you’ve seen
them or heard them or sent them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
damage is done after they’re out there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Human beings have such an enormous capacity for goodness and
compassion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How horrible that so often we
choose to be deliberately hurtful instead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We do terrible things to each other on both a personal and a global
scale.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My mother once gave me this piece of wise advice:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>never, she said, put in writing something you
would not want to see on the front page of the newspaper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although, sadly, I did not always follow her
caution, she was absolutely right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
anyone else ever saw the horrible e-mail I sent my brother, they would be
shocked and I would be mortified.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because no matter what he had done, no matter how angry I was, there is
no excuse for the awful things I said to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A reasonable adult would have stuck to the facts – I don’t like what you
did and I thought it was hurtful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Instead, much like the malicious message I received, I went for the
maximum cruelty factor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It diminished
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It made me an instrument of hatred
and discord.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is no news bulletin: if
more of us thought before we spoke, the world would be so much of a better
place.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In response to one of any number of atrocities in the world
(how grossly ironic that I cannot remember which one it was) I created this
banner for my blog several years ago:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0in;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGU3HXuOaZDNPLQbFkhRTlsRYQmM7MlLhwwRm2nfhBm-1SK0XOPTI8o7yF4N4TB25ALqAmJLMNCuMQRCe8enGYfPfpgroieuaTiwbqQ7AD3-7gnXiLK-cOldGNwHH2Q8WyhLTFDpEeyMur/s1600/baby+hand+poster+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGU3HXuOaZDNPLQbFkhRTlsRYQmM7MlLhwwRm2nfhBm-1SK0XOPTI8o7yF4N4TB25ALqAmJLMNCuMQRCe8enGYfPfpgroieuaTiwbqQ7AD3-7gnXiLK-cOldGNwHH2Q8WyhLTFDpEeyMur/s320/baby+hand+poster+2.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why is this so hard for the human race to do?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will miss the person who hurt me so badly, but our
relationship has been irretrievably damaged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>While I am getting over the initial shock, the betrayal of trust has
left me sad and wary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the very least it has given me a lot to
think about regarding the way we all treat each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I move forward, I hope I can remember, and
model, my own words.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-82164090072604187262013-11-11T17:14:00.000-05:002013-11-11T19:27:18.997-05:00A Vineyard of WhineI lay here in the semi-darkness, in a shabby, aged, not particularly clean hospital room. It is the middle of the night. Although I can hear the sweet sound of rain that I love, the bed is lumpy and hard. I've been moved up from the ER, where I had spent many miserable hours, feeling so, so sick. My roommate snores. Am I ever going to sleep in the same room with anyone who does not snore, for Pete's Sake?!?! Apparently this room is across from the staff room. About a half a dozen voices chatter cheerfully in Tagalog. A couple of residents earnestly discuss their futures, marriage and vacations. And I still, after 8 years of MS and a previous lifetime of ridiculous good health, cannot believe I am here.<br />
<br />
I started feeling worse than usual a few days ago. I was super weak and had the chills. I just couldn't get warm. My poor, lymphoma-ruined legs could not swing up onto my bed. The pain level was through the roof. The area being radiated every day was beginning to feel sore and a little cluster of blisters had already developed on my neck. My restless leg syndrome, usually so repsonsive to the medication, was resisting for a change, with that awful sensation extending up to to my arms. And, my personal, most humiliating favorite, incontinence, was complete. Ahh, the wonderful world of multiple sclerosis. I was changing my clothes dozens of times a day. And, as shaky and wobbly as I was, that was no easy feat. Finally, this morning, after a nightmarish night of unsuccessfully trying to make it to the bathroom on time over 20 times (yes, an unbelievable 20+ times), I curled up in bed and wept. I gripped my rosary and murmured the words I have known for almost my entire life. But in my head I just kept begging God to end this horror, the constant pain, the mortifying dependence, the fear, the worry. Then I slept for about twenty minutes. A record.<br />
<br />
When I woke up Mary Kate was standing over me looking horrified. "You HAVE to go to the hospital!" she demanded. It only took me seconds to agree. She called the ambulance, her husband went out to wait for it and I just sat in misery. I was escorted by two kind EMT's and two professional, serious paramedics. They found my blood pressure was 200/110, which won me a free, speedy trip to the ER. And so here I am. <br />
<br />
I felt like the dog's dinner. They started me off with a huge dose of IV Solumedrol. Slapped monitors on every inch of skin. And I could not get comfortable for even five minutes because the whole bathroom thing was hanging over my head. I had no idea what the plan was, but at least I had a commode next to my bed. And, while the setting here is pretty gross, scruffy and neglected, every single staff member has been <i>incredibly</i> cheerful, sympathetic and helpful. They offered things before I would even think of them. They offered to <i>do</i> things before I knew I needed them. It is indeed the little things that make a difference, but actually these acts of patience and kindness were huge. <br />
<br />
The plan now is to do an MRI of the brain and spine. This could be an MS exacerbation, a pseudo-exacerbation caused by a virus (which ramps up MS symptoms but is not a true relapse) or, <i>so</i> wonderful to hear, further metastasis of the breast cancer.<br />
<br />
Two lovely, kind ladies just stopped in my room, volunteers from the hospital's ministry program. I am having such a hard time not being sad and scared, but in the few minutes we chatted and prayed, <br />
these women were truly inspirational. They were pleasant, down to earth and simply beautiful in so many ways. Every encouraging word they said about not being afraid really hit home. I still have to work on it, but God sends His light to me through people like this and my wonderful, generous friends, old and new.<br />
<br />
I am counting on healing, hoping against hope I will be healed. But if I am not, I pray for acceptance and grace, for courage and dignity.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-77077222740210808242013-11-07T00:54:00.000-05:002013-11-07T00:54:19.978-05:00The Fight BeginsAll treatment that I’ve received over the past eight years
for MS was designed to slow the progression of disability.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of the meds didn’t work, some I declined
because of potential side effects.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Tysabri worked for a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
as my condition worsened, I decided to go off of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It had been four years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were no studies available about being
on the drug for that length of time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
figured, why stay on something potentially dangerous that wasn’t helping
anymore anyway?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As powerful and as
serious as they were, all of these medications were really designed primarily to
address quality of life issues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not that
quality of life is not important, certainly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is meaningful and has enormous value and power.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I would still survive.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Boy how the game has changed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the treatment I am receiving <i>now</i> is
designed to literally save my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
is a tough concept to wrap my brain around.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I started radiation treatments last week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I go every weekday and will for a total of approximately
35 sessions, or six weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The initial
set up took a long time while they measured and tattooed and drew little
dots.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But now the sessions take less
than ten minutes each.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It literally
takes as long to get on the table as it does to receive the treatment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to undress to the waist, get on a
gown, get out of my wheelchair, pivot around to the table, sit my bum down in a
designated spot, get both feet onto a step stool to push back more onto the
table, then one tech supports my back and shoulders while the other swings up
first one leg, then the next, as I cannot raise them myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I need a minute or so to catch my breath
before they get started.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One day we were
so intent on getting me set up, we completely forgot about getting my shirt
off! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I have to tell you, I have been
single for a long time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have not had a
parade of Romeo’s through my bedroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Therefore I had little concept of how shabby my underwear was until I
had multiple people beholding it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>For
that matter, I had little concept of how shabby my boobs were, either, until I
had an audience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite respectful
staff, dignity, decorum and self-deception fly right out the window when you
have breast cancer. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After approximately 7 minutes, we have to do the whole thing
again, in reverse.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It sounds so simple, but it really is exhausting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shoot, these days everything is exhausting. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am a firm believer in the power of the mind over
matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because you do not feel or see
anything with the radiation, it is hard to remember this is a process designed
to eradicate the cancer, that these invisible beams are, hopefully, destroying
the malignant cells.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first few
sessions I was just numb with the horror of what I was undergoing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then at the beginning of one session I
started thinking “Kill!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kill!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kill!”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That actually made me giggle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
made me think of Arlo Guthrie in “Alice’s Restaurant”.<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/-NzFJxX8yoY?rel=0" width="360"></iframe>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
<br />
Funny, but not a good fit.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So now I am trying to imagine beams of healing lights
seeking out the cancer and making it disappear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That is definitely more comforting.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I started the hormone treatment last week, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am mortified to acknowledge that at 59 I am
still not in menopause.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yep, you read
that right, 59 and fertile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Talk about
horror.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although that may account for my
youthful beauty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>lol<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
I have started injections that are supposed to rapidly bring on menopause: hot
flashes, mood swings, the whole shebang.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tick, tick, tick…still waiting. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So there we have it, the battle for my life has started.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before I was fighting to stay mobile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In retrospect, that seems almost frivolous. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I am fighting for more time. I <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>must believe I will win, although it is a
struggle to stay positive, as I am so scared. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am ashamed to admit I am scared of
suffering, of indignity, of missing out on so many wonderful things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
having a hard time praying, so I am incredibly grateful for any prayers you
might offer on my behalf.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I especially
want to pray for renewed faith, for strength and courage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the radiation center and the oncologist’s
office, I am surrounded by brave, serene people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are my role models. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wish us luck!</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-17712903494149954912013-10-28T13:55:00.000-04:002013-10-28T13:55:12.172-04:00Just One More Time<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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On scales large and small, I have had to re-invent myself
any number of times throughout my life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a four year old, I had to learn to live with a disability
after an accident caused me to lose my right eye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to adjust to my realigned peripheral
vision, deal with curious, sometimes rude, people who questioned me about my
bandages and then my prosthesis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
general, I had to learn to become a normal-but-different little girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Each age brought new opportunities to try on different
personas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never found a perfect fit,
because I was interested in so many things that I was like a chameleon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could wear a different identity a dozen
times a day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bookworm, writer, poet,
hippie, rebel, compliant, outspoken, shy, tomboy, girly girl, daydreamer,
protester, studious, overachiever, slacker, sad, carefree.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Reinvention happened over and over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Widow with four children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Career, advancing from front line entry level
to executive. Homeowner, giddy with pride. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Graduate school, 4.0.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Living the good life, traveling, enjoying my
grown children, grateful for all of this and my many wonderful friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So happy! Then MS and everything starting to
slip through my fingers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
More reinvention, in reverse. This disease chipped away at
all my selves, gradually stealing my career, independence, dignity, security
and, unbelievably, my children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For my
oldest son has slammed the door of his life right in my face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My younger one told me he couldn’t cope with
me being sick, so he just avoids me</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
MS – the gift that keeps on taking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As years passed, I was gradually adjusting to
these new personas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could not accept
them or embrace them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could not say
stupid things like “I am so glad I have MS because it forced me to stop and
smell the roses.” (People actually say that!) I could smell the roses just fine
before, thank you very much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
desperately wanted my old life back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
I was finally acknowledging that was never going to happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I needed to deal with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I needed to keep, keep, keep reinventing
myself, no matter how much I hated it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
I starting writing again,
something I had given up on after college.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Love of words was embedded in my DNA.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Besides being a mother, writing my blog is hands down the most fun,
rewarding thing I have ever done for myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And with writing came new friends and renewed contact with old
friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will never fail to be
astonished at the amazing, giving, caring people that surround me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their endless affirmation has kept me going.
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then came breast cancer. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of all the f-ing things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is with this, God?!?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t get cancer!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one in my family gets cancer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I managed to hit the crap lottery again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time for a whole new reinvention. The Before
Disease, MS, was incurable and painful and cruel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cancer can be all that and more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>New vocabulary, new doctors, new
procedures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lumpectomy, radiation,
hormone treatment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was not a candidate
for chemo, as I had too many health complications.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Chemo could kill the cancer but it was more
likely to kill me first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was a
blow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, ok, I’ve dealt with blows
before and I will do it again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It Just Keeps Coming</i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This week brought news that I must reinvent myself for what
will probably be the final time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
cancer has spread.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I know none of us are getting out of here alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had just hoped for a bit longer than 59
years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never thought I would have to
reinvent myself as a dying person.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know it is counterproductive, but in these early days I
find myself thinking of all the things I will never do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will never have a chance to live in
England, which had been a lifelong dream.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I never will publish that novel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I won’t see my adored grandchildren graduate from high school, marry,
start their own families. I will never go to another Springsteen concert.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are so many books I will never
read.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am crushed by all the
fascinating places I will never visit, the wonderful people I will never know,
the dear and wonderful people I already have in my life and will never see
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I must acknowledge my prince will never come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will never again have a life partner,
someone to help me carry the sorrows and relish the joys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is too little life left.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So many nevers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A dear friend was visiting last week. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has been resoundingly healthy for most of
her 70-odd years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But this past summer
she had surgery that, while serious, should have been very straight forward
with an uncomplicated recovery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It did
not work out like that and she is still recuperating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As she was leaving she said something about
her ‘new normal’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Isn’t it funny, I
said, that a ‘new normal’ never means anything good?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We laughed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But it’s true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>New normals are
always about loss and forced change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They are always about having no choice but learning to do things in a
new way, without the normal, and usually beloved, thing that is now gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My new normal is currently an excruciating awareness of my
mortality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every act, every conversation
is fraught with portent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How much
longer?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is this the last time I will do
this, see this, talk to them? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is very strange, this particular new normal, and I am struggling
with this particular reinvention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I am nothing if not stubborn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will not go quietly or gently into the
night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even with my limited capacity, I
am going to do as much as I can in as much time as I have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my mind I am WILLING the radiation to
work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If sheer force of determination
can cure me, I will live forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
heading into cancer kicking and screaming with objections, praying fervently
for a cure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am not ready to go just yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stand by for further adventures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because we all know there are going to be some.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2Ne8rXDgrNQYoaNZJ0DYUjfMmLCAw0kg23P989CAXvOgo5Y8DeKGSZDaQPjAaOQTJVR8xwwLLwB6k8FwBJ9FHVon9G1GToE2T_D4fdXayNIN3r8nKnX0eJ1ISJWMWP2RcKQIqxegnCRgv/s1600/no+grim+reaper.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2Ne8rXDgrNQYoaNZJ0DYUjfMmLCAw0kg23P989CAXvOgo5Y8DeKGSZDaQPjAaOQTJVR8xwwLLwB6k8FwBJ9FHVon9G1GToE2T_D4fdXayNIN3r8nKnX0eJ1ISJWMWP2RcKQIqxegnCRgv/s200/no+grim+reaper.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-57444597774728295802013-10-16T00:23:00.000-04:002013-10-16T00:24:39.747-04:00The Tattooed Lady<br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
So.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today, at the age
of 59, I got my very first tattoo.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
See if you can guess what it is:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi13ETGKdZOgJdqalh8G5-tpwaHbEdf3KKODu5k0LBIE5OqzDvmPAXh7EDk4_tVC12wdYdafAuaJpLe54qAteGLD9LkDUbbIf10PleWuK-i_ARkjWrQVxVQgkt_pPzHtmJ_rfPE4SZyHcMJ/s1600/tattoo+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi13ETGKdZOgJdqalh8G5-tpwaHbEdf3KKODu5k0LBIE5OqzDvmPAXh7EDk4_tVC12wdYdafAuaJpLe54qAteGLD9LkDUbbIf10PleWuK-i_ARkjWrQVxVQgkt_pPzHtmJ_rfPE4SZyHcMJ/s1600/tattoo+3.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How about this?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_mpe8JQjNZzuPJDy-VMU1z3VShpUBaSeO54gwxGvVWsjz0uOg9yg3rbLxZzybXy7Ln24-7DQX8x5Y_OQTFZnfFQu9dCdTEa2IszVfBNVV3fDRhtPY4L-bnDCttHtY5KTz2RjpYh2fTW1X/s1600/tattoo+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_mpe8JQjNZzuPJDy-VMU1z3VShpUBaSeO54gwxGvVWsjz0uOg9yg3rbLxZzybXy7Ln24-7DQX8x5Y_OQTFZnfFQu9dCdTEa2IszVfBNVV3fDRhtPY4L-bnDCttHtY5KTz2RjpYh2fTW1X/s1600/tattoo+4.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hmmm…what about this charmer?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjrzzJ8JQ7HNGJfbsIZ8XWr3A-SA4ntmVqUnv3mZqDDBVZWQLoMZWAPxCBjd7aqXFWWSBy9P_at-ABUD_ZR0gdhm9lt0wvZaogYyC8cKl2CRgRWNM3quJqMtpfGzGHUEg-ffiPY8D2shsb/s1600/tattoo+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjrzzJ8JQ7HNGJfbsIZ8XWr3A-SA4ntmVqUnv3mZqDDBVZWQLoMZWAPxCBjd7aqXFWWSBy9P_at-ABUD_ZR0gdhm9lt0wvZaogYyC8cKl2CRgRWNM3quJqMtpfGzGHUEg-ffiPY8D2shsb/s320/tattoo+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok, I’ll tell you….TA DA:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-l48f1YXLqU7FawyNvzXjoEx6ZE2XyPD2OI_WYzSRAyZ-SgS3lanTGvMTWFnpEljvDq-cbkBQXPIOKA4xVk1qnuNON3gVRL56Xg1f_5FkUnjML1Y3uAy21sCcBxOMpZ-evZh6UHZFCv68/s1600/015.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-l48f1YXLqU7FawyNvzXjoEx6ZE2XyPD2OI_WYzSRAyZ-SgS3lanTGvMTWFnpEljvDq-cbkBQXPIOKA4xVk1qnuNON3gVRL56Xg1f_5FkUnjML1Y3uAy21sCcBxOMpZ-evZh6UHZFCv68/s200/015.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s that little black dot in the middle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are three others as well, but I can’t
show you those because they include naughty bits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are the markers for my radiation treatment,
which will probably begin next week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
have too many co-morbitities to be a candidate for chemo, so we are hoping
radiation, along with hormone therapy afterwards, will eradicate any errant
cancer cells.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will have a treatment
every day, five days a week, for over six weeks.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In an icy cold MRI room, on a hard plastic table, I was set up for the procedures
I will receive. My arm was held over my head in a brace and I have to keep my head turned as far to the right as possible to avoid irradiating my face. The area that was measured and marked off is relatively large, to include the lymph nodes in my neck and armpit. Holding still for over a half an hour, my muscles started to spasm and
then I was tattooed so the radiation can be aimed at the exact same spot
each time. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Lying there, I had a few tearful moments as I was overwhelmed by the
enormity of what was happening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still
cannot believe I have cancer. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, and we’re
still pursuing the whole spot-on-the-liver thing, I have to go for another MRI
next week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am just so weary of being a
sick person.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have to say, though, everyone at the Radiation Oncology
Center was kind, pleasant and helpful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My doctor is relaxed and friendly, he reminded me of B.D. Wong, except
he is Korean, not Chinese.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was incredibly
reassuring and empathetic.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who knows, maybe when all this is over I will treat myself to a new tattoo. One of these would be my cup of tea. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHvwYK7XQfb7nMPbQbXvriu-3AwtnxsbteZqEk3p7rR0z671bR93bq6U1Qgm5VsUayEQQ6AFJdFWGRXJ2BRQ1W_UGQ90JWyVl_eJjjY4xOzgCTupsf1-BKzp5zxCBXoJMNgO47Zyl0NTwI/s1600/tattoo+7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHvwYK7XQfb7nMPbQbXvriu-3AwtnxsbteZqEk3p7rR0z671bR93bq6U1Qgm5VsUayEQQ6AFJdFWGRXJ2BRQ1W_UGQ90JWyVl_eJjjY4xOzgCTupsf1-BKzp5zxCBXoJMNgO47Zyl0NTwI/s1600/tattoo+7.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhT9cDYUiz-PTaYi8ufkoV-8kdIhCcdIuhiW22fCAuvuKHDcwGLgLIK2NVIEaGqoFD0dlGGPy9eqJnn8ZGf2VACGipB7ae2c26vFYzrQkJzzzDdsVDxXF50SYoLfOrHIqwrqtDZyGsvJ35/s1600/tattoo+5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhT9cDYUiz-PTaYi8ufkoV-8kdIhCcdIuhiW22fCAuvuKHDcwGLgLIK2NVIEaGqoFD0dlGGPy9eqJnn8ZGf2VACGipB7ae2c26vFYzrQkJzzzDdsVDxXF50SYoLfOrHIqwrqtDZyGsvJ35/s320/tattoo+5.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJHqMyBX8YRa7tJfpZM5GTBlObZnLY_uErCEw354q0fhi3JnLnzdnnRnzu3qBi8ITM5Pvuciq5CKyCFBuq20F2bBN_iVpuB200FIMUfYTT3yQ2qdnGV0CJZIgL2VEHiXXF_oVFwoww9rux/s1600/tattoo+6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="185" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJHqMyBX8YRa7tJfpZM5GTBlObZnLY_uErCEw354q0fhi3JnLnzdnnRnzu3qBi8ITM5Pvuciq5CKyCFBuq20F2bBN_iVpuB200FIMUfYTT3yQ2qdnGV0CJZIgL2VEHiXXF_oVFwoww9rux/s320/tattoo+6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My new theme song:<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/flAiNJA17Yc?rel=0" width="320"></iframe>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
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<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-59851719212810153112013-10-05T11:07:00.000-04:002013-10-05T11:07:27.607-04:00From the Deep End<br />
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<br />
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It has been a rough couple of months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, as usual, my unhealthy coping mechanism
is going to ground.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But writing this blog has been one of the most fun and
rewarding things I have ever done and is definitely something I am not giving
up on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been jotting down a few
ideas for posts and as I feel better I will work them up and get them on line.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had the surgery to remove the malignant tumor from my
breast last week and followed up with my surgeon yesterday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot say enough good things about
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first surgeon I saw had me
frantic with fear due to my complicated medical history.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I met with Dr. C. for a second opinion,
her down to earth, direct manner was instantly reassuring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was frank about concerns over potential
problems, but expressed confidence in managing them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the
hospital for the surgery, I continued to be just bowled over by her easy going
presence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was relaxed and cheerful
and hands on, no chore was beneath her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She even helped out pushing my bed to the OR, rather than waiting for
the one whose job it was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You just
couldn’t help feeling assured by her all-around niceness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I actually asked her if she had been a nurse
before she was a physician, she was so unassuming, the antithesis of your usual
I-Am-God surgeon. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She laughed and
ascribed it to her upbringing and OCD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>More reason to love her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
makes you want to be her best friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or
maybe marry her.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not to be left out, my anesthesiologist was outstanding as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His clinical expertise combined with
incredible compassion truly helped in easing my considerable fear of the
anesthesia, in light of my lung complications.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway, the follow up appointment was a mixed bag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She got the whole tumor, which turned out to
be the size of an egg.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While there were
cancer cells in the margins, she believes she got it all out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was the good news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was surprised and dismayed to learn that after
discussing my case at a meeting this week, the team felt chemotherapy could be necessary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But with all my health problems, I might not
be well enough to withstand it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was
upsetting on both levels.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then there is
the radiation, which is the usual protocol after a lumpectomy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was really keeping any thought about the
whole process at the back of my mind, it was just too much to take in before
the surgery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But now that it is
imminent, the reality of what a trial it will be began to hit home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Radiation is done five days a week, Monday to
Friday, for six and a half weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With
my mobility issues, this is going to be tough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It will be a challenge getting me there, it will be a challenge getting
me on the table and it will be a challenge for me to lay on my back for a
prolonged period of time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As with
everything else in my life, this will be really complicated.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I have the gall bladder issue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still have a biliary drain in, a constant
source of discomfort and worry about potential infection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we dare not attempt the surgery, because
God forbid I have complications, it will delay the breast cancer treatment
again, as it has been delayed over the past months by all my health crises. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sigh.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am working at staying positive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For one thing, I have a group of incredible,
wonderful, loving friends behind me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
am inundated by cards, phone calls, visits and well-wishing on Facebook. I am
humbled by everyone’s faithfulness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel as though I owe it to them to keep
upbeat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they have confidence in me,
who am I to be gloomy?</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10106720865034468249noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113531471647083299.post-33809912731947706852013-07-28T17:14:00.001-04:002013-07-28T17:14:52.220-04:00Not What I Expected<br />
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I never,
ever thought I would get cancer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not in
a million years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if I did, in my
dreams I would be cool and dignified, tragically elegant, wan and
heartbreakingly beautiful, facing my fate with courage and decorum.</span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Snort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So much for dreams.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">In
reality, I am a blubbing, hysterical, terrified blob of a mess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead of tissues, I have a roll of paper
towels at my bedside to sop up my endless weeping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The cancer diagnosis is bad enough, but the
complications related to MS have me in a panic, mostly because my physicians
are in a panic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Panicky physicians do
not inspire a tremendous amount of confidence.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Right
now, though, the hardest challenge of all involves my children, who I adore
beyond my own life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For a variety of reasons, some logistical,
some personal, at this point in time they cannot be together with me through
this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, we always want what we
can’t have and all I want is them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ALL. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WANT.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>IS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>THEM.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My oldest daughter is doing
what she can, but, in typical perverse fashion, the situation is too much for
her and she alone is not enough for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We need to be together as a <b><i>family</i></b>. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their being here would give me the confidence
and assurance I need right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
courage, my strength, my reason for being, it all comes from them. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want them here with me, I want to hold
their precious hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want their
presence, I just want to look at them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
simply want them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">But even
typing those words feels like the most churlish dismissal of what I DO have,
which is the most incredible network of support from friends and even people I
don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My friends are the ones who
drive me to appointments, listen to me cry, who show up at my back door with
frozen drink treats, who tell me everything is going to be all right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are the ones who are storming heaven,
sending me cards, calling me to tell me they love me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do count some family in there, especially
my beloved cousin Steve, whose unconditional love has been a constant for my
entire life. But for the most part it is friends, acquaintances, friends of friends,
virtual friends from our blogs, these are the people who are here for me every
minute of the day, radiating caring and hope.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Their
campaign of love and optimism is irresistible and I am joining in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have never felt worthy before of asking for
healing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I have been utterly
inspired by the confidence that is enveloping me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am praying that the cancer has not spread,
that the surgery will successfully remove it all, that my care givers will be
skilled enough to get me safely through the surgery without needing a vent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">In
January 2004 I teasingly said to my kids “I am turning 50 in September.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I better be getting a pretty darn big party!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I did!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My sister and the four of them gave me a wonderful, fun surprise party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>My
oldest son delivered a touching toast, stating his pride and love for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was surrounded that day by love and
laughter and joy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is inexplicable to
me that things have gone so terribly wrong. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>While I am praying for a good outcome and
future, more than anything I am praying for my children, that they may also be
healed and strengthened and that we can come together as a family once
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I listen
to meditations written by Belleruth Naparstek, a renowned psychotherapist who
was a groundbreaker in the field of guided imagery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am focusing on two affirmations in particular
to get me through this:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I can feel
around me a protective cushion of energy containing all the kindness, good wishes,
prayers, gentle smiles, and sweet gestures that have ever been sent my way.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">And…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I know
that I am held in the hands of God and I am perfectly, utterly safe.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">And so I am. </span></div>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/?action=view&current=sigwpen-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb221/Mlacooper/sigwpen-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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