Kay and Jerry Congratulate Marie

I finished my Master's last summer. It was something I had wanted for so long and I was really proud of myself. When I got my diploma, I called my parents. They were out, so I left them a message.

Here is the return phone call.

I swear I did not make ONE WORD of this up:

Kay and Jerry Congratulate Marie

Mom: Marie? Congratulations dear. You must be so happy.
Me: Oh, I am, it is such a…
Mom: So when are you going to start your Ph.D.? Ha ha.
Me: Well actually, I’ve really been consider…
Mom: Because you have such a love of learning. Wait a minute. What Jerry? Tsk, I can’t hear him. WHAT JERRY?
(I hear my father in the background “Tell her I said congratulations”)
Mom: Your father says congratulations.
Me: Oh, tell him thank…
Mom: Jerry, Jerry, she says she’s going for her Ph.D. WHAT JERRY?
(I hear my father mumbling)
Mom: Your father says that’s wonderful.
Me: Tell him thank…
Mom: So we just got back from the doctor. I have terrible diarrhea and I can’t walk.
Me: You can’t walk?
Mom: No, I can’t walk.
Me: You can’t walk at all? How did you get to the doctor’s?
Mom: I have to hold onto everything. And I have a headache. But the diarrhea is better today.
Me (grimacing; I do not want to hear about anyone’s diarrhea): Oh, that’s good.
Mom: What dear?
Me: THAT’S GOOD.
Mom: So the doctor says I need to have another scan to check my brain.
Me. Ohhh.
Mom: What dear?
Me: OHHH.
Mom: Wait a minute. JERRY! THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS PHONE AGAIN! So what else is new with you?
Me: Well…
Mom: I haven’t heard from you brother all week. And your sister must be enjoying her cruise. Good thing I didn’t go with this diarrhea. And not being able to walk.
(My mother obviously forgets that she was not invited to go on my sister’s HONEYMOON.)
Me: So I…
Mom: What dear?
Me: SO I WAS …
Mom: The doctor is very concerned about me. JERRY! I CAN’T HEAR WITH THIS PHONE!
Me: Ohhh.
Mom: What dear?

I went through 25 minutes of this: diarrhea, deafness, brain lesions (hers), did I think the lump on my grandson’s forehead was cancer because James would not be able to cope with that he would fall apart (it’s not cancer Ma, What dear?, IT’S NOT CANCER MA!!!!!!!), her neurologist was handsome and she finally told my father he was losing his mind, but she promised him she would take care of him and stick by him because he had been a good husband and that’s just the kind of person she is.

I did not get more than two dozen words in.

OY VEY! No wonder I’ve been in therapy for decades.