Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Weigh In

At the gym I go to, The Scale is in a private little cubby, backed by a wall of opaque glass blocks. That little bit of glass wall faces the pool area. When I am in the pool, I can see the fuzzy outlines of other women weighing themselves.

I have been eyeing The Scale for several weeks now. It has been looming, its shadowy figure beckoning through the glass.

No, I’m only kidding, it hasn’t been beckoning, it just sounded so nice and dramatic to say that.

But I have been looking at it. Of all the women I have seen weigh themselves, no one has run screaming from the place. So yesterday, I took a deep breath and inched on.

Holy Mother of God.

Now I know why no one runs screaming from the place. They are too busy reeling in horror and trying to cling to some shreds of dignity as they adjust to the brutal reality that The Scale is clearly off by about 50 pounds.

Granted, it could be worse. I could weigh 1000 pounds and I don’t. But it feels as though I may as well.

This is going to take for-freaking-ever.

I cannot be like Jessica, who writes a great blog at http://allabouthabits.com/ and documents her weight as well as her losses. Jessica is brave and honest. I am cowardly and deceitful. Even with myself. I could never tell anyone what I actually weigh.

But, hopefully, the losses will mount and I will share those. That is the one good thing about yesterday’s frightful revelation. At least I will be able to see how much I am losing. If I don't die of mortification first.

Oy vey.

5 comments:

janet said...

O Marie.....bravo to you girl. I could not have don't it. We have a scale, here in the house, in the basement, in a dark corner. And i refuse to get on it. I had to be weighed at my last neurologists appointment in Chicago, the first time i had been weighed in 9 months. My husband was standing beside me, and honestly it was humiliating for me. I told him if he ever uttered the number to anyone, or even said it outloud to me that i would kill him. I was so shocked by the actual number, i hadn't weighed that much even when i was 9months pregnant.


I weighed myself again right after Christmas. I had lost nearly 30 pounds since that visit in early NOvember to the neuro, but strangely i felt little pride about it. It was if i was giving the drug he had given me all the credit. But i have been working on changing my thinking about that. I mean its not as if it is some magic pill, if it was they would pass them out to everyone, right?

I keep thinking about getting back on the scale, but i haven't gotten the courage....i so admire you. I just keep looking at how my clothes fit, how they feel on my body. What i "look" like to myself in the mirror. I'm trying hard not to think about a magic "number". I just want to be healthy. I don't believe that i can achieve the actual number that i want, so i keep telling myself that i will be content to just be "fit".

You did good today Marie.....you did GOOD :)

janet

Marie said...

Janet, thanks for being such a great cheerleader!!!

If doing good includes coming home and heavily sedating myself, then I did REEAALLL good!! lol

I can't say I really feel good about the weight, but I am sort of glad to have a number now. For one thing, it certainly causes me to think twice about not being careful about what I eat!

Janet, give yourself credit for that weight loss. You could have not taken care of yourself and gained weight, but you didn't. It wasn't the med - it was YOU.

And don't get on the scale if you don't want ot. I am still recuperating from the trauma. lol
You're right, I also want the focus on being healthy.

Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement!

Jessica said...

You're on the right path Marie, focusing on being healthy first is what we should do. I'm thinking the scale as an indicator showing me if I have been doing the right things to get healthy and lose weight. Don't think it as the number showing how fat I am. I know the frigging forever feelings,I'm going insane soon too! :)

Judytiger said...

Ah yes, the scales that are off by 50 lbs - I have a set like that here and discovered that the farmhouse set registered the same "offage" - LOL

I have begun walking around the neighborhood and am considering going back to the local hospital fitness center.

Joining an all woman gym was not the proper choice for me last year, I ended up not going and that was both financially unhealthy and exercise unhealthy.

Oh, there is a five lb loss that I can't account for - certain that it is still with me - somewhere.

Marie said...

Jessica, you have the right idea. I will keep saying "The scale is my friend, the scale is my friend" lol All kidding aside, I know I will be happy when I can actually document that first loss!

Judy, don't you hate it when the scales are broken?!?! lol I should really tell the gym. lol

But 5 pounds is awesome!! The walking is clearly paying off. Keep up the good work!!