Keeping Positive

Progress

Four weeks ago I stepped on a scale for the first time in probably 14 years and got…um…a number. The following week, that number was three less. Then I went on steroids and the three came back. Last week I lost nothing. Then this morning I weighed myself again and I was two less. Now what color was the conductor’s hat? ha ha Sorry, I couldn’t resist an old arithmetic joke.

So I am still up by one pound but at least I lost the two. My goal is to lose five pounds at a time and celebrate that milestone each time. I still haven’t hit my first documented five pounds, but I will!

The Hard Part

The hardest part for me is the Obsession. I am obsessed with not eating.

I am not dieting. I know I have to change my entire lifestyle. But I do plan what I am going to eat. And right now if I eat something I didn’t plan on, I am sick about it.

I don’t see this as particularly healthy behavior. And it makes me very, very cranky.

I am not hungry, I am not feeling deprived, I just worry all the time that I will seriously overeat and never lose the weight I have to lose. What I want to do is not think about food all the time and how I am going to avoid it.

If I do eat something unplanned, I want to enjoy it. That is really my goal, to not beat myself up over "lapses" and to get right back on track. Because, as someone so helpfully commented here, making more good choices than bad is what it is all about. And that is what has to be forever.

Is anyone else Obsessed? How do you cope with that constant fear and vigilance? Does it pass?

Weigh In

At the gym I go to, The Scale is in a private little cubby, backed by a wall of opaque glass blocks. That little bit of glass wall faces the pool area. When I am in the pool, I can see the fuzzy outlines of other women weighing themselves.

I have been eyeing The Scale for several weeks now. It has been looming, its shadowy figure beckoning through the glass.

No, I’m only kidding, it hasn’t been beckoning, it just sounded so nice and dramatic to say that.

But I have been looking at it. Of all the women I have seen weigh themselves, no one has run screaming from the place. So yesterday, I took a deep breath and inched on.

Holy Mother of God.

Now I know why no one runs screaming from the place. They are too busy reeling in horror and trying to cling to some shreds of dignity as they adjust to the brutal reality that The Scale is clearly off by about 50 pounds.

Granted, it could be worse. I could weigh 1000 pounds and I don’t. But it feels as though I may as well.

This is going to take for-freaking-ever.

I cannot be like Jessica, who writes a great blog at http://allabouthabits.com/ and documents her weight as well as her losses. Jessica is brave and honest. I am cowardly and deceitful. Even with myself. I could never tell anyone what I actually weigh.

But, hopefully, the losses will mount and I will share those. That is the one good thing about yesterday’s frightful revelation. At least I will be able to see how much I am losing. If I don't die of mortification first.

Oy vey.