The Week That Could Have Been Worse

Because I had a crappy week, I almost did a whole Kafka thing to start this post, about waking up to discover I was a bug, blah, blah blah.

But I realized, as this is my life, I am certain to have even worse weeks in the future, like getting arrested or something. Oh wait, that’s already happened too (I’ll tell you another time). So I’ll save The Metamorphisis for then. It was a tad melodramatic. A giant cockroach. ha ha ha ha Sigh.

This week it felt like everything I touched either broke, got dropped or went wrong. But don't worry. I'll have so much fun writing about it I will end up not minding a bit. :)

My work week, under pressure for hundreds of deliverables, was almost a total wash because I couldn’t access the remote system to my office for three days. Tick, tick, tick….I will probably be working all weekend to make up the work.

Tysabri infusion totally knocked me off my pins this month. I slept for 14 hours straight afterwards.

Then:

Car wreck and insurance issues. Grrrrrr!!!!

Gas company issues. Grrrrrrrr!!!

Mortgage payment issues. Grrrrrrrrr!!!! Although this one was mildly amusing. Two calls received from the mortgage company. That’s odd. I check online bill pay. Yep, mortgage is paid. I call to check on the problem. I tap in my account number as asked by the automatic system and a sweet little recording tells me everything I already know, how much I paid and when I paid it. And an arrears of $7000. I literally dropped the phone. I started pressing ‘O’ like mad to get a human being. And I got ‘John’.

John had a definite accent, but I couldn’t place it. I started blabbering .

Me: $7000! BLAAAH!!!! $7000! BLAAH!!!! $7000?!?!?!
John: Oh well, thank you Mrs. Cooper, I will ask you to please not worry about that.
Me: BLAAAAH?!?!
John: No, thank you Mrs. Cooper, this is nothing to worry about.
Me: BLAAH!!!
John: No, really thank you Mrs. Cooper, this is not a problem. This was a mistake in the recording.
Me: BLAAAH BLAAAH BLAAAAAAH!!!!
John: Well yes, thank you Mrs. Cooper, I can understand your anxiety about this unfortunate situation, however this is an error which you are not to be concerned about.
Me: Blah?
John: Yes, thank Mrs. Cooper, this was a mistake.
Me: blah?
John: Yes, so thank you, I offer my apologies for the nervousness you experienced.

And at that point I was almost coherent again.

John: However, thank you Mrs. Cooper…

Me: BLAH?

Poor John was experiencing more anxiety and nervousness than I was.

John: …thank you, I am so sorry to tell you this and there is no reason to be upset however there is a $4.02 discrepancy in the statement we sent you and the actual amount that is owed. So we can accept an electronic payment for this $4.02 and as a courtesy we will waive the usual $12.50 fee.
Me: $12BLAAAH50?!?!
John: Oh no!! No! Thank you Mrs. Cooper it is waived, waived, it will not be charged to you.
Me: blah?

It took ten minutes of repetition before he got all my bank numbers because of a very subtle language barrier. Finally I said:

Me: So John, where are you located?
John: Ah Mrs. Cooper, thank you for asking that. Our corporate office is in Iowa.
Me: But you’re not in Iowa, John, are you?
John: Ah, thank you Mrs. Cooper…heh, heh… he laughed nervously…thank you, but we are not authorized to disclose that information.
Me: But it is not Iowa, is it? Or even the United States? Or even this continent, is it?
John: heh heh Thank you Mrs. Cooper, I am sorry, but thank you we are not permitted to disclose that information. heh heh
Me: Ok, well, thank you John
John: Oh, thank you Mrs. Cooper. Have I satisfactorily resolved all of you issues?
Me: Yes, thank you John.

Except for where in the world is GMAC Customer Service. Hmmmm.

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It wasn’t an entirely sucky week, as I did have an appointment with Dr. Wonderful. Except I had meant to change it but forgot and remembered, while I was in the shower, 45 minutes before I was due there.

I couldn’t not go now.

As if I'd miss an opportunity to get more narcotics. Um, I mean as if I’d miss an opportunity to scope out his adorable self.

So I desperately raced to get ready and burst out the door, ten minutes late, with wet hair and panting like a dog. So off I trotted.

He looked wonderful, as usual. Treated me so nicely, as usual. Listened and totally got it about my pain as usual. And then proposed another surgery. As usual? Oy.

He is recommending a partial shoulder replacement to relieve the pain. So as I am writing this, I am watching a shoulder replacement surgery online on OR Live. So far my favorite parts have been the mallet, the drill and the buckets of blood being sucked out of the gaping wound.

Because I am shallow and immature, my true absolutely favorite part was the huge expanse of bare skin showing on the male patient exactly where my breast would be. Call me crazy, but I just don’t feel like having my boob hanging out in front of a bunch of strangers for several hours. Who knows what kind of bad habits it could pick up? hee hee That was just a little boob joke.

But honestly, would you want any of your naughty bits on display for everyone? While you weren’t even awake to hold it up or make excuses for it? Sigh.

So that was my week. In a tribute to Dr. W. I was going to treat you to the bloody, hammering, drilling shoulder video, but I decided to go in a different direction. No blood, lots of beard. lol



For e-mail readers:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_EFdod4YDo


Is it me or does that audience look kind of…anemic? Who doesn’t rock to ZZ Top?

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An update on Joe: still waiting for his surgery due to complications. I was very sympathetic. I said:

Oh for fuck sake!!!! This is ridiculous. Are they waiting for you to
die of old age so they don't have to operate at all?!?!


It is ruining my Angel of Mercy timetable because I have to have another surgery too, so I have limited time where I can stand by your bedside wringing my hands and looking like Ingrid Bergman in The Bells of St. Mary's.

I was really looking forward to that too. :( They are spoiling everything.



An update on the Behemoth: I love it!!

An Extraordinary Crotchety Character

There are a lot of characters in the blogging world, which makes it a little scary but mostly fun. So many fascinating people, funny and smart. Warm and thoughtful. Friends all over the world you would never know if it wasn't for your blog.

There aren’t many that are as big a character as my good friend Crotchety Old Man. Crotchety is cranky, natch, politically incorrect, can be vulgar, hates Bruce Springsteen and makes fun of LOL Cats (which is the funniest thing in the universe, helllllo!!!). And he tells fart jokes. All this takes place on his blog, Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars.

If you read his blog you will discover all the above. You will also discover he can be hilarious. He is indefatigable, until recently writing a post every single day. He holds a weekly ‘Caption This’ contest, posting an outrageous photo to which dozens of people offer uproarious captions. He was voted “Humor Blogger of the Year” last year. Crotchety has a long-suffering wife who is the gracious butt of much humor. Example: He treated her to an ergonomic snow shovel by way of a thoughtful gift. Hey, he was concerned about her back.

Reading his blog further you discover more about Crotchety, also known as Joe. He writes three other blogs. “The Joy of Toast.” Esoteric, yes, but toast is good. “Yankee Fans Forever.” Pretty self explanatory and fun. Then there is “Diabetes Destroys.” And at this you discover that Crotchety has been suffering with this insidious disease for a long time. Reading “Yells at Cars” you would never would have known it, but our guy is very sick indeed.

When I first realized it, I was humbled by his matter-of-factness. There is no self pity, no whining. Just getting on with it. I had been carrying on about my own chronic illness, because of course I am the only person in the world with one, and I saw Joe’s other blog. I e-mailed him and told him how sorry and embarrassed I was that I had been so self-centered. Relax, he said, it’s all good.

As this past year has gone on, there was no way to prevent his illness from slipping into “Yells at Cars”, because he was simply so sick. But he kept going. To the extent that when he had to call 911 to get him to the hospital, he posted first to let us all know. And ended up making a funny story out of it.

So all this is pretty cool all by itself. Such a testament to a strong spirit and a loving, if exasperated, wife. But more than anything this is a great story because of the huge heart this Crotchety Old Man tries to hide from the world.

I have really struggled over the past few years since being diagnosed with MS. It drags me down and I go into hibernation mode. Joe, who I have never met, seems to have a sixth sense when I am in a bad place. If I was out of commission for too long I always got an e-mail or a note on my blog. Just a few words. Never anything sappy or sentimental. All the more moving for its simplicity. “You ok?” “What’s going on kiddo?” “Get back to writing soon” and, always, “Glad to see you back”. His down-to-earth concern was so touching, it never failed to get me moving again, even if just in baby steps.

As I write this, Joe is gravely ill with renal failure. He is facing a serious surgery tonight, dangerous for someone as sick as he is. I called him last night and he really was too weak to talk much, which made my heart hurt. So the marvelous Mrs. C. got on the phone and within seconds we were gibbering away as if we had know each other our whole lives. And what do you know, she’s a Springsteen fan!!! I think that caused Joe to roll over in his hospital bed.

So I am praying for Joe, Mrs. C and their children tonight. That Joe will get through the surgery safely. That his suffering will be eased. That he will get the best care possible from his providers. And that his family will feel peace and confidence as they wait.

Check out Joe’s blog, Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars, and please send good, healing thoughts his way that he will be back making us laugh before we know it.