This Bites

I have to say at the outset that I hate teeth.

I suppose I like the actual fact of having them. They do lend themselves to things like smiling without causing your companion to recoil in horror and the successful, comfortable consumption of food.

I just hate the fact that you can’t simply brush them several (in my case, several million) times a day and be done with it.

Oh no. Because teeth have an unfortunate habit of doing things such as BREAKING.

BOO HOO HOO HOO

I broke a tooth this morning. It is not really visible unless I open wide and show you, which is pretty unlikely. And it doesn’t hurt, thank goodness. Hmmmm, why did the thought ‘for now’ just pop into my head?

But it feels creepy and ragged and worst of all, now I have to go to the dentist. And I have a dental phobia.

I have nothing against dentists per se. I think a lot of them are really nice people. I am so sorry they have the highest suicide rate of any profession. It is just I cannot bear having a stranger stick his fingers in my mouth.

Heck, I don’t want people I DO know sticking their fingers in my mouth.

My most recent dentist, we’ll call her Dr. Mengele, was a horror. I guess not from a capability standpoint, as all the work she did on me still stands. Stands? Lies? I don’t know, none of her stuff has broken.

But she was so MEAN!!! The most distressing thing was that she initially seems really nice. She acts pleasant and tells you what she going to do and how she is going to take care of you. Then you discover…she is evil incarnate.

Once your ass gets slapped in that chair, you’re all hers. The first thing she does is recline the seat ALL THE WAY BACK, so you are practically standing on your head. I don’t know why, but this triggers a panic sensation in me. So I would start to hyperventilate (but NEVER complain!!! I was brought up to allow myself to be subjected to any kind of torment any authority figure is meting out) and I would meekly and pitifully ask if I could be sat up a little. And she would snap “No”.

So my panic would continue until I was half sitting up anyway, unable to breathe. It interrupted her and let me tell you she would get PISSED.

This happened every single visit.

Then, you know how dentists always tell you to put up your hand if they are hurting you? Well, if I put up my hand, she pushed it down and kept working!!

Finally I resorted to being sedated while she did her thing. This is one of her marketing points, that you can have all your work done at once, easy peasy, no pain, no unpleasantness, nothing to be afraid of. I took one pill before I left the house (driven by someone else naturally), and then another when I got there. Problem was, the sedation wasn’t taking. I was supposed to be out like a light but I was still aware of much of what was going on, including pain, and her being mean to me!! She would snap at me if my mouth wasn’t open enough or if I made a sound.

She told me ahead of time I wouldn’t remember anything. Wrong, Nazi girl.

She gave me an extra pill. Still not enough. Then another one. Still not enough. Finally I was begging for nitrous. She told me there would be an extra charge. I moaned I didn’t care. But she refused.

Can we all say ‘nightmare’.

Once the work I paid her for was done I never went back. Every time I sat in the waiting room, I had watched these happy, dazed people stumble out, thanking her profusely, clearly unaware of the torture they had just been subjected to. I wanted to be one of those favored ignoramuses. No such luck. I still have flashbacks.

Although I do have a nice smile.

So now I have to find a new dentist, which I have been putting off for years a while.

Did I say I hate teeth?