Was I a Visigoth at the Sacking of Rome? A Viking invading Eire? Did I pluck the wings off of flies? There surely were evil deeds that I committed in a previous life. It is the only thing I can think of to explain my string of calamities.
Last night I went to make, as I have a million times before, a pitcher of iced tea. I do this for several reasons. One, I am cheap. I don't see the point in buying it if I can make it just as easily. If I had a churn and an abattoir, I probably wouldn’t be buying butter or hamburgers either. But that is debatable.
Number two, it's just so freaking easy. Water. Tea bags. The end.
Number three, I like the way I make it. I just like it plain. I don't use sugar or anything.
So I never expected that I would pour in the boiling water as usual, add the tea bags as usual and pick up the pitcher as usual, to have it shatter and shower me with the aforementioned boiling water.
It splashed into my face and chest and onto my left arm and thighs, soaking my clothes. I ran to the shower and jumped in, clothes and all, letting the cold water run all over me.
This is what saved me from being burned even worse, according to the Nurse Practitioner in the Emergency Room.
That’s right, the Emergency Room. Again. I swear, they are going to reserve me a room.
The left side of my face is burned from my eye brow to my chin, including my eye lid. My eye itself is fine. I apparently reflexively closed my eyes when it happened. My left wrist is burned and there are splash marks on my chest. My thighs are burned where the water soaked through my leggings, in lengthwise stripes.
Fortunately, they are only first degree and superficial second degree burns. Painful, but not permanently disfiguring. I have kept cold compresses on everything, especially my face, and it has really helped. I am swollen and blotchy, but it mostly looks like I have a bad sunburn. On one half of my face. Very attractive.
My friends have offered to dance naked around a fire to dispel evil spirits on my behalf. Now that is what I call devoted. Or perverted, depending on your point of view. Especially since there has also been mention of tequila and absinthe.
But despite their love and commiseration, here is what I have to say:
OY VEY!!!! ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!
Blue Oyster Cult. If this music video doesn’t make you laugh, nothing will.