Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Dating Game

I try to find things that are at least semi-interesting to write about and have not had any such thing in the past two weeks.

No Bruce.

No police.

Very mundane.

Except for one little thing.

My dear friend Christine did force me at gunpoint to join an online dating service. Ok, maybe it wasn’t a gun, as she does not own one. Maybe it was a carrot. Or just a wagging finger. At any rate I reluctantly acquiesced. I figured I would write a profile that would instantly turn people off with its snarkiness and my problem (wanting to be left alone until Prince Charming, fully self-actualized, miraculously appears at my door) would be solved.

So this is my profile:

Me: job, house, kids, dog, cats, grandson, books, knitting, writer. Oh, yeah, and MS.

You: job, kind, courteous, books, laughs at my jokes, has never been in prison or a mental hospital. Knitting is optional. Did I mention laughs at my jokes?

The result? I am up to my neck in men.

Who knew they had a sense of humor? Or maybe couldn’t read at all?

After receiving a few replies, I realized I had neglected to add a few crucial parameters besides prison and the looney bin. I know I am not exactly a prize. But at the risk of appearing to be a picky cow, this would be them:

• No one over 85. (Yes indeed, I did get an e-mail from an 86 year old gentleman in Queens, NY. I don’t think I would travel to Queens to date anyone, never mind a man that is THIRTY ONE YEARS OLDER THAN ME.)

• While we’re at it, no one within five years of my father’s age. Never mind, make that within ten years of my father’s age. Actually NO ONE ON MEDICARE THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

• No one with a mullet and a goatee. Sorry fellas. It’s just too Ozarks for me.

• No one who repeats they are a NASCAR fan more than once in their profile. Like ten times in one case. Actually, no NASCAR fans.

• No one who is wearing a Confederate cap in their profile picture. Actually, no Civil War re-enactors. Especially one who is fighting on the wrong side.

• No one who has more words misspelled than spelled correctly. One typo is just, well, a typo, no biggie. “i would like to talk to an openminded woman who can figure how to get in touch with me ohay” is simply frightening. “Ohay”? Is he Buckwheat? Is it a mysterious dating code I am not familiar with? Do I want to work that hard at figuring it out?

• No one whose profile picture shows him posing with a Las Vegas showgirl in full regalia. Not that there is anything wrong with that per se. It just is a teensy clue we are not going to have a whole lot in common.

• No one who writes in their profile “No picture, no deal.” No problem. So shallow, no deal. Asshole.

What really amazes me are the responses I have received where these 50-something guys claim they boat, sail, canoe, kayak, fish, hunt, horseback ride, ski, snow-board, snorkel, scuba dive, water ski, jet ski, and Other. I do not even want to contemplate what other is.

My profile implies I love books, I am looking for someone who loves books, the word ‘book’ is in my screen name, yet not one of them cites reading or books as an interest.


But not all is lost. Regular readers of my blog will know about my house issues. So I have a date this afternoon.

With a carpenter. big grin Pictures, Images and Photos



beth5393 said...

not too late to re-word that dating profile, but my money is already on the carpenter...just hope he loves books.

Marie said...


Hey Beth, ask me if I care if he can even read!! Just the mention that he did handyman work made my eyes glaze over and my heart go pitty pat.

Margaret said...

I did really enjoy when I was dating an auto mechanic!

brokenteepee said...

Aaah, have fun! I really hope it is relaxing, enjoyable and stress free.

Suseo said...

Well it didn't take YOU long, now did it, missy?? We will of course need to get *every*single*detail*, no matter how insignificant it may seem. Me, I'm rooting for a carpenter who will build you bookcases.

Marie said...

Well, thanks for rooting for me everyone.

Let's just say it was not a match made in heaven.

For one thing, he hates Obama.

But other than that, he was very nice.

Webster said...

I met my husband by placing a personal ad in the Seattle weekly.

I kept it simple: Willing to barter. If you will teach me the I-Ching perhaps I will laugh at your jokes. SWF 29 seeks articulate, intelligent, enigmatic and open-minded man, 25-35.

I got 18 replies, tossed out eight on the basis that they did not mention anything in my ad, went out for lunch dates with two, the second ended up being a keeper, went out with one more who would have been pretty good, too, I think, but I was judgmental and wrote him off because he was several inches shorter than me.

I ended up marrying my keeper 1 1/2 years later, and we're still together after 22 years of up and down - most all good.

Ads can be good, just be careful what you wish for. (You just might get it!)

Anonymous said...

That was way funny...

Staci said...

I'm laughing hysterically right now because that's probably exactly how I would have filled out the profile. I have never joined a site because I always figured no one would answer, which would depress me, or I'd only get the freaks, which would both depress and scare me. At least now I know I would get a good laugh and plenty of stuff to blog about.

Have fun with the carpenter and his, uh, tools. Then let us know how it went.

Marie said...

Webster, that is a very cool story. Boy, I just realized, newspaper personals don't even exist anymore! I think they still have them in the back of New York magazine, but that's it. How the Internet has changed our culture!!

Grace, thanks for stopping by! Yep, that's my life, way funny. Sigh.

Staci, as scary and pathetic as it is, the whole thing is even cracking me up. And there is more!!! I will be doing another post. Yeah, I won't blog about it because it would feel like an awful betrayal, but the carpenter and I were not a good fit. I'm going to have to leave it at that.

Unless you want to dish privately and then I will spill ALL!! lol lol My sensitivity only goes so far.

cardiogirl said...

Maybe the guy who wrote "ohay" is really James Bond. It might be worth the investigation.

Marie said...

Ohay, I never thought of that Cardiogirl. I will definitely check it out. lol