Keeping Positive

Progress

Four weeks ago I stepped on a scale for the first time in probably 14 years and got…um…a number. The following week, that number was three less. Then I went on steroids and the three came back. Last week I lost nothing. Then this morning I weighed myself again and I was two less. Now what color was the conductor’s hat? ha ha Sorry, I couldn’t resist an old arithmetic joke.

So I am still up by one pound but at least I lost the two. My goal is to lose five pounds at a time and celebrate that milestone each time. I still haven’t hit my first documented five pounds, but I will!

The Hard Part

The hardest part for me is the Obsession. I am obsessed with not eating.

I am not dieting. I know I have to change my entire lifestyle. But I do plan what I am going to eat. And right now if I eat something I didn’t plan on, I am sick about it.

I don’t see this as particularly healthy behavior. And it makes me very, very cranky.

I am not hungry, I am not feeling deprived, I just worry all the time that I will seriously overeat and never lose the weight I have to lose. What I want to do is not think about food all the time and how I am going to avoid it.

If I do eat something unplanned, I want to enjoy it. That is really my goal, to not beat myself up over "lapses" and to get right back on track. Because, as someone so helpfully commented here, making more good choices than bad is what it is all about. And that is what has to be forever.

Is anyone else Obsessed? How do you cope with that constant fear and vigilance? Does it pass?

Disappointment

I had a bad week and it caught up with me this morning. Depending on how I wiggled on the scale, I either lost nothing or one pound. I got on and off about ten times, thinking maybe the scale was just, I don’t know, sleepy?

Leaned to the left, leaned to the right, scooched my toes just over the edge, inched them back on. The needle swung wildly but always settled in the same general area – higher than I wanted.

I don’t even want to eat breakfast now. :(

I have been tracking what I eat in Spark People, along with what I do at the gym. I have only stayed in my 1200 to 1500 range twice this week. I was deluding myself into thinking if I kept under 2000 calories and did my treadmill and swimming, I would still be ok.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I don’t want to say I’m devastated because that should be saved for something like, I don’t know, losing a limb. But I am. And terribly disappointed in myself. And scared to death that I am never going to get to where I need to be.

I feel as though I wasted an entire week. But I am forcing myself to look at it as a lesson. It is clear that I cannot be less than vigilant for any meal. The frustrating part is when I go off my plan, it is for something like a roast beef sandwich, not a gallon of ice cream. That seems so unreasonable that I can’t eat a simple sandwich. But clearly that is the way it has to be until I reach my goal. Then I can relax a little to maintain my normal weight.

Hopefully. :(