Love For Sale OR Is There a Spouse in the House?

Once Upon a Time

When I bought my adorable house, a 1930 Craftsman style bungalow, I was as healthy as a horse.

Buying my own home was beyond a dream come true! It was more than I ever had imagined I could possibly accomplish on my own. But I did. I was a single, widowed mother of four. I had driven past this house hundreds of times in the twenty years I had lived at the Shore. It was a real coup to get it. Everyone adores it. BUT, it needs constant maintenance. And I do mean CONSTANT.

I bought the house nine years ago and I was the Constant Maintainer. It was such fun. I really was elated when people seemed amazed that one little person could keep everything up by herself. But I did. Then, as if in slow motion, those balls I was keeping in the air started dropping as I lost my strength. One. By one. By two. By three…

The roof ball dropped first. Then the ceiling ball. The plumbing ball went. The gardening ball. The painting ball fell. The floor mopping ball. Each one hit the floor with a God awful, reverberating crack. Each crack reminded me of a new loss. CRACK! Dependence. CRACK! Neediness. CRACK! Desperation. CRACK! Weakness. CRACK! Deterioration. CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

Subsequently, my self pity and loneliness have known no bounds.

Things that Make You Say “Hmmmmm…”

Yesterday, I read about a man who was widowed 17 years ago, when his only child was two. He was overwhelmed by grief and didn’t know how he would survive. Then he realized that the one thing keeping him going was fatherhood. So, against all odds and sense, he adopted first one, then another child. In the ensuing time, Larry Shine has adopted six more children, including some with special needs. He took himself from a bereaved, overwhelmed widower to a happy, fulfilled single father of nine. You can read about them here.

I found his story amazing and thought provoking. Even Larry’s name speaks of hope and love: “Shine”.

Hmmmm. (This is the thought provoking part.)

Larry Shine likes to help people. I’m a people. And I need help.

Maybe, I thought, just maybe...could there be a Larry Shine out there for me?!?!

So I have decided to put myself on sale.

There has to be someone out there who would find me attractive wouldn’t find me too revolting. Someone? Anyone?

The Pitch

My strong points:

• I am an excellent cook.
• I love to laugh.
• I love to clean.
• I am a total know-it-all wise ass very smart.
• I think I am very funny.
• I can knit you lots of lovely things. Even underwear if you work, say, in the North Pole. Or its closest southern neighbor, Wisconsin. I don’t think it would be too scratchy?
• I am a complete nightmare a delight to live with.
• I hardly ever never act neurotic or worry about the worst case scenario, like a home invasion by rabid wolverines (the probability in New Jersey is low; I checked). However, you know, it is never a bad idea to be prepared.
• I love movies and know A LOT about them. You will never again need Google for an obscure fact. I know them all. Obnoxious on someone less modest, but charming on me. :)
• I hate people am a total people person, even when it comes to your old college roommates who wear Tasmanian Devil t-shirts and have hair implants and do war whoops like nine year olds as they drunkenly cannon ball into the pool.
• I am over well educated. I can impress all your buddies at the bar with my skill at Jeopardy when they are trying to watch the play-offs. Would that be interrupting? That wouldn’t be a problem, would it be?

The Follow Up Pitch

• I have been in therapy for most of my adult life, but I should be self actualized any second now. Then, once I get over being madly in love with my therapist, I should be radically well.
• I am mature and self sufficient. Well, mature except for thinking LOL Cats is hilarious. And I am relatively self sufficient except for occasionally having to be reminded about that whole electricity/water thing.
• I do not cling or believe my significant other is the be all and end all. Unless you really want me to. Then I think I could do clingy. Hmmmm. Thinking…thinking…clingy…well, ok...but it would be a stretch! HA HA I love puns. That is the kind of sense of humor I have. LOL Cats and corny puns. What can I say, you could do worse. You could get someone who thinks Nancy Grace is an intellectual powerhouse of an investigative journalist.
• I never cry. Pretty good in a woman, eh!?! I simply hold it all in until I explode in a short lived but embarrassing, inappropriate rage have a calm and rational discussion until we clear the air.
• I do not love long walks on the beach and flea markets and sunsets. I hate shopping. And children. ha ha Just kidding. I love sunsets.
• I never know when to keep my mouth shut am very quiet and discreet. Because of this, I frequently say inadvertently offensive things to people I have just met, I am well liked from the minute I am met.
• I have rowdy wild possessed enchanting curly hair and green eyes.
• I am short and fat chubby pleasingly plump round.
• I do not smoke.
• I LOVE to drink like to drink would have a central line to deliver vodka straight to my liver if I could drink moderately.
• I was was almost wanted to be at Woodstock.
• I am hopelessly dorky a total nerd geeky beyond belief boring to anyone who has an actual life incredibly cool.
• I love my dog, but you don’t have to. Just don’t drop kick her or anything. But showing too much interest in her might be interpreted as a tad creepy.

Now I will just sit back and wait for the proposals to roll in. It better be fast. Because a rainstorm definitely is rolling in and that pesky roof still is leaking.