Choosing Happiness

Today, March 20, 2015, is the third annual International Day of Happiness, as decreed in a proclamation from the United Nations in 2011.

On the surface, it might sound a little silly or even preposterous, considering the state of the world and the suffering so many people endure in their personal lives.  Wars and partisan violence rage and people experience inexplicable heartbreak every day.   There is injustice, disaffection, poverty and hunger right here, within blocks of my home.  My sister is gravely ill and I have experienced a series of misfortunes over the past decade that are surreal in their number and impact.

But today the United Nations implores us to take action to be happy, with this year’s theme being to achieve happiness by focusing on your connection with others.

I have had to face many challenges in my lifetime.  I discovered early on that you could choose to give in or you could fight.  By nature I am stubborn and I usually choose to fight.  On one hand, this is not a particularly positive trait to have.  It is not easy for me to give in on anything.  It can be very difficult to admit when I am wrong and to say I am sorry.  Being stubborn means you often will stay in a bad situation because you refuse to acknowledge you cannot fix it.  You tend not to make the healthier choice of cutting your losses and moving on.

But on the other hand, being stubborn also means stepping up to a challenge and overcoming obstacles.  It means pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and getting on with it, which I have had to do more times than I can count.  And it means tenaciously holding on to good things, like hope and friendship.  Even though I can’t get out very easily, I work at keeping in touch with my friends, my loved ones.  I am so lucky to still have friends in my life that go back to my earliest childhood.  And I am so blessed to have my wonderful cousin, who has always been there, like a big brother.  And, despite being estranged from some of my beloved children, I will never, ever, ever give up on them or stop loving them, no matter what.  The absolute happiest moments in my life have all involved them.

I have discovered through my stubbornness that you have a choice in life.  You can be happy or you can be miserable.  I have been both.  Happy feels a whole lot better than miserable, despite the fact that it can be harder to maintain.  It is very, very easy to sink under the weight of the terrible things that happen to us.  On the surface, it might seem I don’t have a lot to be happy about.  And it is true, I am only human and I wobble constantly.   But the recommendation for today, connect with others, is the key for me.  My friends, my children, my grandchildren are my lifeline.  Just their voices are enough to lift my spirits.  And they are so good to me.  We all need that.  We human beings need to be kind to each other, to stay connected.  Connection feeds itself, it is like ripples on a pond.

 

If only people could stay connected, on a global level things could be so different.  Even as I type that, I realize it sounds not just naïve, but downright simple-minded.  I know that concept doesn’t take into account mental illness, natural disasters and other things we have no control over that cause great suffering.  But the song is so true, from South Pacific, you have to be taught to hate and fear:

You've got to be taught

To hate and fear,

You've got to be taught

From year to year,

It's got to be drummed

In your dear little ear

You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught to be afraid

Of people whose eyes are oddly made,

And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade,

You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught before it's too late,

Before you are six or seven or eight,

To hate all the people your relatives hate,

You've got to be carefully taught!

(Songwriters: Rogers and Hammerstein/to hear it sung, follow this link here)

  

We are not born hating, we all know that.  So why haven't we been able to fix it in all the thousands of years the human race has existed?  Peace could be possible if we were more connected by understanding, compassion and acceptance.  We are born with the capacity for happiness.  It is others who take it away and it is others who can maintain or restore it.

I pray from the bottom of my heart that all of you reading this have or can find happiness.

I leave you with the prayer from St. Francis, which I believe to be a formula for connection and, ultimately, for happiness:

 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

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It‘s Good to Be the Queen

 

My dear friend Mrs. Oppenheimer and I (She calls me Mrs. Oppenheimer, too.  It’s a long story.) had a running joke that there had been a huge cosmic error along the line and somewhere someone was leading our Princesss lives while we were stuck in their miserable peasant existence.

Okay, we weren’t really joking.

But who knew someone was way ahead of us in reclaiming their royal turf by writing Queen of Your Own Life: The Grown-up Woman’s Guide to Claiming Happiness and Getting the Life You Deserve?  They were so ahead of us the book was published two years ago and this is the first I’m hearing of it.

I haven’t read it yet.  It does appear to have a few strikes against it for a literary snob like me.  For one thing, it is published by the same publisher who puts out Harlequin romances.  And one of the authors was behind the marketing of the South Beach diet.  That just strikes me as a little shallow.  But the chapter titles are promising.  Here are a few: "Build deep, fulfilling friendships with other women (Choosing your court)"; "Establish firm boundaries that will strengthen all your relationships (The Huns are at the Border)" and "Discover the simple trick to finally being happy (the subtitle is a little scatological, so I will discreetly allow you to discover it for yourself.)"

Even though I haven’t read it, and it appears to be lightweight, it clearly has some good thoughts, presented in a tongue-in-cheek manner.  I have maintained for decades that my women friends have been the core of my life.  I don’t know what I would have done without their love, encouragement, support, laughter and wisdom.   I swear by boundaries, having had numerous Huns at the border throughout my life.  They have usually been relatives.  Stymied by limits, now they are relatives who no longer speak to me.   It is sad having no one show up for your daughter’s wedding from your side of the family.  But it beats the alternative of drama, Gaslight-like craziness, veiled criticism, overt jabs and, in some cases, flat out meanness.  Although the entertainment factor has been reduced dramatically.

I am still working on the simple trick of finally being happy.  I was getting there.  In my late forties I was more accepting of myself and less judgmental in general than ever.  I felt very peaceful with where I was in life.  I loved my job.  I bought my dream home.  The kids were happy and on their way to great adulthoods.  Getting sick shook that satisfaction and sense of where I was in the world right out of me.  My career, my finances, my family and, obviously, my previously rude good health, have literally imploded over the past seven years.  I am having a hard time picking up the pieces.  I have a simple affirmation at the top of my blog “Remember this every day: You are fabulous.  Believe it. You are. ”  I truly do believe that – for everyone but me.  As I struggle to cope with this horrible disease, I am ashamed of my weakness and lack of grace and acceptance.  Other people tell me I inspire them and I have no clue what they are talking about.  Inspiring?  I think I am pathetic.  But I keep trying to hold my head up and focus on the positive where I can.  Trying is about all I can manage right now.  It is constant work and I back slide all the time.  But I do believe YOU are fabulous, you Queen, you!  (Or King, as the case may be.)

I'm looking forward to it.   If you are interested, you can find it here:

 

If nothing else it will be a fun read and a good reminder that we all deserve the best.  Here is their website, http://www.queenofyourownlife.com/, which includes a link to create your own coat of arms, http://www.queenofyourownlife.com/wp-content/uploads/COAT_OF_ARMS_P.jpg.  How could I resist wasting hours of Photoshopping (well, Paint.net, actually, because it is free)?!?!  So here is mine:

The field is green for Ireland, where all but one ancestor, my father’s father, emerged from.  The ordinary is red for the Red Cross, because I am in dire need of aid.

The barrel in the center is for Cooper, the barrel maker.  I have two ferocious cats as supporters, and my symbols are a quill and book for scholarship, a bee because I have always been as busy as one, a celtic harp for love of music and yarn and a sewing needle for love of fiber arts.  Two shamrocks adorn the top next to my crown.  And my motto is on the bottom (nod to Monty Python): “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.”  Because I have never expected it but have been blindsided by its equivalent more times than I care to remember.

Long live each Queen!
 

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Tantalized

I feel absolutely fine today. Like a normal human being.

It did not take me ten minutes to get out of bed while I laboriously unkinked my spastic limbs and found my balance. That was my first clue that something was…right. I am not groaning (openly or silently) with every move. Nothing overtly hurts, dizziness is not causing reverberations throughout my body with every movement, I can get up and out of a chair without Herculean effort. I feel like…dare I say it... a well person!

I am giddy with the sheer bliss of it. That I am living a day without being reminded every second I am really, really sick. And yet I cannot fully enjoy it because I keep wondering when is it going to stop and I will go back to what I was just yesterday.

Perhaps I was abducted by aliens during the night? Not to be greedy, but while they were at it, couldn’t they have made me thin too?

WEDDING!!!!!

And what a wedding it was. It is an incredible experience to be in the same space as 200 people who are simply overjoyed to be together. It would not be an overstatement to say the day was absolutely perfect: the company, the weather, the happiness, the fun. And oh, everyone had SUCH fun.

First there was the groom and his handsome groomsmen. With the exception of Claire’s brothers, these are boys (ok, men!) that I have known since they were little guys. Not only have they grown up to be stunningly attractive, they are the nicest, kindest, funniest, sweetest people you could ever meet (and I have discovered even though they are new in my life, Claire's brothers also fit into those categories!):

Ryan, looking very cool, calm and collected indeed on the way to the church:

Ryan seeing Claire as she appears at the back of the church:




Here comes the bride:

Makes me cry:







My four, Elizabeth, Mary Kate, Ryan and James:





At the beach:








The reception was a blast. Ryan and I danced to In My Life. The great band kept everyone dancing. Yep, I was able to dance thanks to my dearest friends, who held onto me so I could feel normal. Thanks Michael, Christine, Cathy, Bill and Peter! I danced A LOT with my friends holding me up. The band was awesome and played a lot of Bruce. Of course when they started Jersey Girl, I was in the Ladies brushing my teeth (ok, I'm a teensy bit neurotic about oral hygiene). But within minutes, me, my sister, my best friend Christine were all belting it out. 'Cause down the Shore, everything's alright...nothing matters in this whole wide world when you're in love with a Jersey girl!!! lol

I didn’t cry as much as I thought I would. I felt so sad for Ryan that his dad wasn’t there. But Ryan and Claire did not forget him. Dennis was mentioned in the program and his memory was evoked at every table.




(I don't know why apples; when I find out, I will tell you.)

My sister-in-law, who I LOVE, sat next to me. My nieces (3 of her 6 girls) were there as well, along with my cousins, my aunts and best friends (I am lucky enough to have even more wonderful people in my life; I only wish I could have invited them all!!). I was surrounded by love. How blessed I am!!

The reason I didn’t cry buckets because I was so, so happy for these two, who are clearly meant for each other. I was choked up thinking of my precious little boys, how they have grown and how proud I am of them.



There are places I remember
all my life
though some have changed.

Some forever, not for better,
some have gone
and some remain.

All these places have their moments,
with lovers and friends I still can recall
some are dead and some are living;
in my life, I’ve loved them all.

But of all these friends and lovers
there is no one compares with you
and these memories lose their meaning
when I think of love as something new.

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
for people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them.
In my life, I love you more.