Perhaps I am stretching it by putting myself in the Good People category. I know so, so many people who are far stronger, braver, charitable and admirable than I am. That is why I qualified it a bit, I am sort of good. Pretty good. Relatively good. I do try. However, those Bad Things, they just keep on a-comin’.
I found a lump in my breast several months ago, but with all
my health problems and hospitalizations, following up on it took a back
seat. I finally had a biopsy last week
and within a few days the results came back.
I have ductal carcinoma in situ, or, in lay terms, breast cancer. It is the most common type and the chances
are high for a complete cure after surgery, chemo and radiation.
The problem is that the treatment protocol takes a
tremendous toll on the healthiest of people.
And me? I am not the healthiest of people.
Multiple sclerosis has sucked all the ‘life’ out of my life. Secondary to MS I have developed crippling
lymphedema in my legs, causing relentless, excruciating pain and severely
limiting my ability to take more than a few steps, essentially confining me to
a wheelchair and to my home. Getting out
of the house is simply too darn hard.
Limited mobility means no exercise. I carry the genes of Irish peasants who survived
an Gorta Mór (the Great Potato
Famine). So no exercise means horrific, depressing
weight gain by just sitting here and breathing.
Oh, and breathing? Yeah, that
would be an issue too, as MS has caused a partial paralysis of my diaphragm
which has compromised my ability to take deep breaths. Surgery to remove the lump will require anesthesia. There is considerable concern that my lungs
would not be strong enough to recover from the anesthesia. I might end up with a tube in my throat
attached to a machine that would breathe for me for the remainder of my days.
What on earth did I do in a previous life?!?! Holy mackerel, it must have been really,
really bad.
I am trying hard to keep a positive outlook, but it is very tough. I’m awfully scared. On the plus side, I have a great team of
health care providers who are truly skilled, concerned and compassionate. I have found someone who might be able to
help treat my lymphedema at home. I
trust my oncologist, who I will meet with on Thursday to discuss plans and
realistic expectations. My respiratory
therapist has referred me to a physician who specializes in preventing post-op
vents.
My friends have rallied around me with a tornado of caring
and love. It is my children I am the
most concerned about though. I do not
want them to be burdened or to watch me suffer.
I am praying for them, that they find solace in each other and that we
can be a happy family once again.
So, I soldier on. I
believe things always work out one way or another. They may not work out the way you want or the
way you intended, but they do work out. I have always rolled with the punches, dusting
myself off and reinventing myself as I’ve needed to. Even when I didn’t want to. I am not ready for it, but ready or not, it
is time for a new adventure.
Wish me luck.
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