Saturday, August 16, 2008

Kay and Jerry Congratulate Marie

I finished my Master's last summer. It was something I had wanted for so long and I was really proud of myself. When I got my diploma, I called my parents. They were out, so I left them a message.

Here is the return phone call.

I swear I did not make ONE WORD of this up:

Kay and Jerry Congratulate Marie

Mom: Marie? Congratulations dear. You must be so happy.
Me: Oh, I am, it is such a…
Mom: So when are you going to start your Ph.D.? Ha ha.
Me: Well actually, I’ve really been consider…
Mom: Because you have such a love of learning. Wait a minute. What Jerry? Tsk, I can’t hear him. WHAT JERRY?
(I hear my father in the background “Tell her I said congratulations”)
Mom: Your father says congratulations.
Me: Oh, tell him thank…
Mom: Jerry, Jerry, she says she’s going for her Ph.D. WHAT JERRY?
(I hear my father mumbling)
Mom: Your father says that’s wonderful.
Me: Tell him thank…
Mom: So we just got back from the doctor. I have terrible diarrhea and I can’t walk.
Me: You can’t walk?
Mom: No, I can’t walk.
Me: You can’t walk at all? How did you get to the doctor’s?
Mom: I have to hold onto everything. And I have a headache. But the diarrhea is better today.
Me (grimacing; I do not want to hear about anyone’s diarrhea): Oh, that’s good.
Mom: What dear?
Mom: So the doctor says I need to have another scan to check my brain.
Me. Ohhh.
Mom: What dear?
Mom: Wait a minute. JERRY! THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS PHONE AGAIN! So what else is new with you?
Me: Well…
Mom: I haven’t heard from you brother all week. And your sister must be enjoying her cruise. Good thing I didn’t go with this diarrhea. And not being able to walk.
(My mother obviously forgets that she was not invited to go on my sister’s HONEYMOON.)
Me: So I…
Mom: What dear?
Me: SO I WAS …
Mom: The doctor is very concerned about me. JERRY! I CAN’T HEAR WITH THIS PHONE!
Me: Ohhh.
Mom: What dear?

I went through 25 minutes of this: diarrhea, deafness, brain lesions (hers), did I think the lump on my grandson’s forehead was cancer because James would not be able to cope with that he would fall apart (it’s not cancer Ma, What dear?, IT’S NOT CANCER MA!!!!!!!), her neurologist was handsome and she finally told my father he was losing his mind, but she promised him she would take care of him and stick by him because he had been a good husband and that’s just the kind of person she is.

I did not get more than two dozen words in.

OY VEY! No wonder I’ve been in therapy for decades.


Anonymous said...

I do beleive we have the same mother. She just flits between two bodies.

Actually, that would really explain the lapse in memory when she swears I am lying and I never told her X!

(anonymous, but you know who I am)

Marie said...

Oh, M., so many of us have the same mother! lol

I'm glad you stopped by!! :)

Da Old Man said...

Hysterical. The wife read it too, and laughed along.
This sounds exactly like the last few conversations I had with my aunt.

Marie said...

My funniest material and I can't even take credit for it. lol

Salted Fibres said...

Oh, it cant be your mother, it's MY mother!! Jeez, are we aLL related?
Or did they all just read the same parenting book?

Marie said...

Are you of Irish descent, Helen? I think that is where they all came from. lol

And I also think that is why we all started blogs. So we could actually finish a sentence without being interrupted. lol

Deborah Smith said...

Thanks for this. You started my day off with a chuckle. I usually try to time my phone calls when I know she won't answer. I can finish all my sentences on her voice mail and then she can leave a nice long message on mine. ;)


Marie said...

Thanks for the tip Deb! lol

Jane Turley said...

Crikey, what a comedy duo! I think there's a play in this one.. and the honeymoon scene?? My toes are curling at the very thought!

BTW - congratulations for completing your Masters; a great acheievement especially when you've had so many other things to contend with.

Marie said...

Oh Jane, you don't know the half of it. lol

Thanks for the congrats. I had such a good time in graduate school! If I ever won the lottery, I would go to school forever.

Funny enough though, ever since I got my MA, my life (which was not a picnic previously!) has gone straight down the toilet.


DK said... do we have the same parents?