Friday, July 31, 2009

Exploring the Amazon

Many months ago, someone with a great deal of common sense suggested that I get an over-bed table to make it easier to do things when I am resting in bed. Make my life easier. Hmmmm, what a concept. What would I want to do that for?!

Naturally, I resisted. First of all, I despise the fact that my body forces me to rest. So to get back at it, I make things more challenging. HAH! So there!

Secondly, just what I freaking need, a hospital table (which, I will point out, is NOT what this person suggested)!!!! YUCK! If you have ever worked in a hospital, especially if you have ever been a nursing student, you cannot see a hospital table without seeing emesis basins, body washing equipment, equipment equipment, blecch! In other words, things that you don’t ever want to see in your own personal bedroom.

However, the reality is that medical supplies are making a slow but relentless march on my home. Canes, a wheelchair, a shower seat, a raised toilet seat. And I actually use all this stuff.

I was always the Princess and the Pea type. If there was so much as a grain of sand in my bed, I was flailing all over the place in misery, looking for the culprit. I NEVER ate in bed. Breakfast in bed? Shudder!

But now I was overturning entire meals on my sheets. So when I spilled maple syrup on my laptop (don’t ask; it was for, um, medicinal purposes, yeah, that’s it…), I realized it probably was time to think about something that would make me more sanitary, if not more comfortable. You know, the thing someone else had suggested months ago. Nothing is ever a good idea unless it is your idea, I always say. Now that it is my idea, I am more tolerant.

I started poking around on line, expecting to be depressed and horrified. Actually, I was looking forward to being depressed and horrified. And I was not disappointed.

The most expansive site turned out to be the real shocker: who knew the stuff that you could buy on!?! Including, ahem, laptop tables. That just happen to go over your bed. But the other stuff!!!! They are not just your father’s books anymore.

I never fully appreciated what a scary place Amazon could be. Although now that I have typed that, well, hellllooo, it’s the Amazon!!

I also bought a foam wedge on the site to elevate my poor swollen legs. Perusing each page, I discover that Amazon has the ever lovely “Customers who bought this product also bought…” feature. Is that because we all have ‘LEMMINGS’ tattooed on our foreheads in invisible ink?

After reading a few examples, I have decided I never, never, never want to know this information. Because interestingly enough (or frighteningly enough) people who 'bought this item' (the foam wedge) also purchased a kitchen counter compost bucket, a baseball cap washer, Cast Iron Cooking for Dummies (more ‘who knew’?!?!), a camera, a set of baby stretchies, Formula 303 Maximum Strength Natural Relaxer and..."Beowulf".

They were also interested in other, more personal products. Such as The Self Wipe.

To me, the appendage holding that device appears rather...aggressive. And really determined. But maybe I just have issues. Looking at the photo, I am not quite sure if that arm looks as though it is about to clean my bum or shove something up it. lol lol

All I can say today is God help me from ever having any such need for any such implement.

More recent adventures to follow soon!



JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, my gosh: Great post. Isn't it funny what you can find on Amazon? Now I think we all need to know about that maple syrup.

Marie said...

Um, I am finding it less and less funny what I can find on Amazon. Because I have shopped there since 1997 and have one question:


Now that's what I want to find on Amazon again.

And maybe a spouse.