Tuesday, March 3, 2009

MS Awareness Week: Diagnosing and Treating MS

As awful as it is, there is probably no better time in history, if you have to have it, to have MS.

In the past, it could take years to determine an MS diagnosis. Because heat exacerbates MS symptoms, at one time patients would actually be placed in a tub of hot water. If they got worse, the diagnosis was made. The symptoms, in the beginning, can be so vague and mimic other things, that MS is usually not the first thing considered. Fatigue? Well, you have four kids or a stressful job or fill-in-the-blank. Dizziness? It’s probably an inner ear infection. Numbness in your feet? Probably a pinched nerve. The list can go on and on.

It is when those symptoms become a repetitive constellation that other things are looked at, other tests are ordered. The most common tests are spinal taps, evoked potentials and, now, Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI). Spinal taps show a predominance of a certain substance in the spinal fluid that is associated with an MS diagnosis. Then one’s medical history is looked at for patterns of attacks.

But now the real clincher is usually an MRI, which wasn’t even available until the past decade or so for many people. An MRI will pick up the damage to the spinal cord and brain as glowing white spots, the tell tale signs of multiple sclerosis. Sclerosis means scar. And with MS you have multiple scarred areas of damaged nerves.

Getting the news of an MS diagnosis is experienced in a variety of ways. Some physicians are blunt and blurt it right out. Some beat around the bush, as in my case, saying ‘maybe’, ‘possibly’ and ‘could be’ a lot, for months, even though they knew full well that was exactly what was wrong with me. When I was in the hospital with my second relapse I said to my doctor “So does this mean I have MS?” She gave me the ever so helpful reply “Looks like it.” And walked away, leaving me sitting alone in the hospital bed. So I never got the “I’m afraid you have MS” talk. No comforting words, no pat on the shoulder, no sympathetic “I’m sorry”’s. Nothing, actually. I was too much in denial to be shocked or stunned or even particularly upset. Except that I was the one in the hospital, it felt like it was happening to somebody else.

In a way I was lucky to have a diagnosis after a relatively short time. Some people go for years without knowing for sure and are often treated as hypochondriacs by their healthcare providers. It can almost be a relief to them to have a defined condition to deal with.

Once the diagnosis has been made, as with everything else with this disease, there are about a million different paths you can go down.

Some immediately embrace the entire concept and become MS. Some pragmatically decide they will simply cope as best they can. Some of us really fall apart (who could blame us?). And some (this would be me) decide they are going to put their fingers in their ears and with total maturity mentally go “la la la la la…I can’t HEAR you!!!”. It took me years before I could even say “MS” out loud, never mind acknowledge to myself I had it.

The next step is deciding a treatment regimen. Fifteen years ago, there was no such thing. IV steroids could help limit a relapse, but there was no real treatment. That changed with the introduction of interferons, which, while not a cure, were found to limit the frequency of exacerbations or relapses (these are periods where your MS symptoms ramp up full throttle to the point you can’t function). There are now several drugs that can be chosen, depending on your lifestyle, your history and your risk tolerance.

All the medications are injectables. There is no oral treatment at this time for MS. The interferons can cause miserable side effects, such as feeling as if you have the flu all the time. Another drug, Copaxone, can cause painful reactions at the site of the injection. I was on Copaxone for a while and hated it for that reason. It is a daily injection that I would give myself, but the reaction I had after each shot was so horrible I would be in tears. Plus, it didn’t work, I kept relapsing. So I moved onto the final stop on the MS med line, Tysabri.

Tysabri is the newest MS drug, about four years old. It was taken off the market for a time because several patients who were on it died from an incurable brain infection. The virus that causes this infection, PML, is present in all of us and is dormant unless your immune system is compromised. And that is one of the things Tysabri does, it lowers your immune system, making you more susceptible to all kinds of infections.

After revamping the protocol, Tysabri was reintroduced in 2007, which is when I started on it. It is administered every 28 days through an intravenous line at an infusion center. I spend the afternoon there, premedicated with IV Benadryl to prevent allergic reactions. The Benadryl knocks me right out. So I have my little routine: I knit, I pray I won’t develop PML and die, I fall asleep for about two hours, I wake up and knit a little more, I go home. So far I have only had two really serious relapses in the past two years, whereas before I was relapsing constantly. So, weighing my risk for a deadly virus, I just keep my fingers crossed. I asked my neurologist how long I would stay on the Tysabri and he stated flat out “Until something better comes along.” That could be a very long time. But hopefully not.

So all around, with better diagnostic tools and treatments, 2009 is not a bad time to have this crappy disease. Research is being done all the time to try to find a cure. That is what MS fundraising is all about. There is exciting work being done with oral medicines and with ethically obtained stem cells.

It is my dream to be able to tell my grandson some day, “I used to have this illness called MS. But I don’t anymore.”

Monday, March 2, 2009

MS Awareness Week: Just What Exactly Is MS Anyway?

Just about everyone knows MS is something not good. But many people do not know exactly what the heck it really is.

For starters, I can tell you some things it isn’t:

• We are not ‘Jerry’s Kids’
• MS is not contagious
• It is not curable
• There is no medicine that you can take to make it ‘go away’
• It is not like having a cold or the flu and you will ‘get better’
• Like old age, it ain’t no place for sissies (H.L. Mencken)

MS is a neurological disease that affects the nervous system. Because the nervous system manages every function in your body, MS can cause problems with every function in your body. It can affect EVERYTHING. Mobility, emotions, mentation, fine and gross motor skills, elimination, sexuality, everything. Wherever the nerves are damaged by MS, that area will not work properly anymore. Ever. And MS is indiscriminate in what it attacks. The effects can be anywhere.

The symptoms include numbness (not being able to feel your hands, feet or other parts), weakness, fatigue, pain (from damaged nerves and/or muscles spasms), depression, losing thoughts, blindness (temporary and permanent), bladder dysfunction…and these are the just most common symptoms. There are even more. Everyone experiences MS differently. Some people have most of these symptoms all the time. Some just have a few some of the time. Some have most some of the time. It is a total, unpredictable crap shoot. There are only two things that are pretty certain. One, you will get worse. Maybe you will never be bedridden, but you will get worse to some degree. And two, you have no earthly way of knowing how your disease will progress or what you can expect.

MS is a ghastly roller coaster and a never ending guessing game of what you will be capable of doing in a single day. What you could do on Monday, simple things like laundry, dishes, make dinner, run to the post office, could be out of the question on Wednesday. Wednesday could be the day that your legs will not obey your instructions. When the pain throughout your body is breathtakingly relentless. When it takes every ounce of energy you have simply to get dressed, after which you drop exhausted and breathless into the nearest chair. Sometimes you will have a great morning, but you will be crippled by fatigue and pain in the afternoon.

There is no pattern to this, no warning. And frequently, among your family and friends, there is difficulty understanding. How could you be fine (or sort of fine) one day and incapacitated the next? How come you needed a cane last week, but not today? And why isn’t a cane enough to go to the museum? You can walk (sort of), why do you need a wheelchair? Trying to explain these things, even to people who really want to get it, can be as exhausting and disheartening as having the disease itself.

Well, I needed a cane the other day because I was so wobbly I couldn’t walk a straight line. But that is gone today. I can’t use a cane for the museum (or the mall or the park) because it is too much. I can go short distances, but then my body rebels. For me, walking without stumbling or staggering takes enormous effort. If I overdo it and don’t listen to my body starting to tell me it’s tired, I will be laid up for days. I can’t run all my errands on Saturday like I used to, going from stop to stop until I’m done. Because by the second stop my legs are like spaghetti and I am so dizzy I have spots in front of my eyes. I have to go home and ‘rest’ and complete those tasks another day because today is a done deal. However, none of this shows, so you look pretty ok. That is the MS joke: “But you look so good!!”

I don’t know why or how I developed MS. That is another part of the puzzle of this illness. More women get it than men and more people get it who grow up in cold climates. So I’m two for two there. Statistically, there is a slightly increased possibility for my siblings and children to develop the disease. But mine haven’t. And there is no one else in the immediate family who has it either, not cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents. A rough count of these relatives comes in at around 120. I am the only one with MS.

Most of the literature will tell you MS is not a fatal disease. It is not overtly deadly. But because of the problems it creates, it can lead to deadly consequences. Immobility can lead to pressure ulcers which can lead to septicemia which can be fatal. The same with bladder infections. Many of us cannot empty our bladders. Those bits simply don’t work anymore, especially for people who have MS damage to their spinal cords. The pooled urine, that we don’t know is there and can’t get rid of, is an ideal source of serious infection.

Medications to treat MS patients can have dire side effects. There are breathing issues, swallowing and choking issues, and, at the top of my own personal repertoire, falls. The last bad fall I had primarily left me with nothing more than severe bruising. The bad one before that broke my shoulder in four pieces. How long before I pitch down the basement stairs and fracture my skull?

I know that sounds like pessimism, but it is actually realism. I don’t look for the worst, but the worst has a sinister way of insinuating itself into my life. It is simply another part of living with MS.

And there are ways of living with MS. After all, you only have two options, live with it or die with it. If you choose to live, life is hard but there are ways to manage.

For the rest of this MS Awareness week, I'll talk about other challenges of dealing with MS, such as treatments and coping. And I will share what people with MS believe is important for others to understand about having the illness.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Rebranding

When I started my blog I was certain of the direction I was going: straight back to a size ten.

I would keep our collective spirits up with tips and pep talks. I would crow my successes to the world!

What an ass.

The more I wrote, the more fun I had with both my writing and the responses I was getting. And I discovered something interesting. Pontificate: No responses. Make myself and everyone else laugh: Multiple responses.

I am not a big one for change. My first and only logos have been books. What else was I going to use for illustrations? Fat?

However, as my life has evolved over this past year, as my confidence has grown (OMG! I have TWENTY FIVE FOLLOWERS!), I decided I wanted my little pictures to be more of an accurate reflection of what we are all about. Not the royal 'we', but the we who create the interactions here. Without you there would be no me. (I can already see my therapist having a field day with THAT one.)

Plus, a man at another blog made fun of people who have logos that don't match their content. And he used REAL examples. Scary!! If someone made fun of my blog to my face I think I would have to be hospitalized. Sedated at the very least. Hey, maybe I said my confidence had grown, but I had a low starting point.

So, I made myself a new logo. I really like it. It is more 'me' than ever before.




P.S. Those of you who get my posts by e-mail (thank you for that!), check out the new heading by going to the blog site.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Out of Control

So, I knew I was out of control when I found myself making Kraft Macaroni and Cheese one night for dinner. I have not had Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for a meal since I was about five years old. I do believe that is also the last time I thought it tasted good. I was at someone else’s house at the time. I was thrilled to be eating something that was both advertised on TV and as orange as a neon sign.

I don’t remember who it was that made it for me, but I do remember my mother was appalled when she found out. My mother is an excellent cook and, additionally, loves to prepare and truly appreciates good food. Macaroni and cheese out of a box was an anathema to her. She refused to buy it and I never tasted it again until college. At which time I nearly choked on the grossness of it.

Even my children didn’t like Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

But one recent day in the supermarket it almost literally called out my name. I tossed it in my cart with all the other food that was really, really bad for me. And I went home and made it.

Nothing could be easier than preparing this…um…food product. First you boil the cute little noodles. Then it calls for four tablespoons of margarine. HA! Pussies! I used butter. FIVE tablespoons. You mix in the packet o’ orange chemicals. They call it “Cheese Sauce”, but I am pretty certain they are not fooling anyone. Finally, in goes a splash of milk, I think primarily to give you the illusion that you are about to consume something wholesome.

At that point I didn’t so much eat it as let it slither down my throat. It was filling, I will give you that. And you know what is awesome on top of it? No, not ice cream silly! (Note to self: consider ice cream over mac and cheese.) Ketchup!!! My favorite condiment that I slather over anything I can because I wasn’t allowed to when I was young. Now that’s maturity!

One serving of this culinary delight comes in at a horrifying 410 calories. Not counting the ketchup. And the extra calories from butter instead of margarine. And the extra butter. And the second serving.

*SIGH*

This past year was not a total wash however. I did lose two pounds. Two pounds in one year.

At this rate, I am going to be one smokin’ ninety year old!!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Stop Me Before I Eat Again!!!

When I started this blog, I was sooooo earnest. So serious. So certain that I would rapidly return to my previous normal weight.

Hahahahahahahaha

Partly because I broke my shoulder, partly because I was immobilized for three months, partly because I did a course of steroids, partly because I just couldn’t get my act together, that never happened.

When the New Year rolled around, I figured, aha, new beginning. And it was. I began to eat everything in sight.

I have only slowed down because I HAVE CONSUMED ALL THE FOOD IN NORTH AMERICA!!!!

You think I’m kidding? Go look in your refrigerator. Go ahead. Go. Look. All you’ll find is a wilted celery stick and a jar of pickle juice. I ate everything else.

So this is where I should be falling back on old platitudes about how tomorrow is another day, I just have to give it another try, I know I can do it, blabbity blah blah blah.

I am not going for any of that right now. I just wanted to whine.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Nourish is One Year Old!

Happy anniversary to me!

Photobucket

Because it is my anniversary and because I love to laugh more than anything in the world AND because I love cats, I am posting these examples of my infantile sense of humor.

I think these are hysterical!


funny pictures of cats with captions
more animals


funny pictures of cats with captions
more animals


funny pictures of cats with captions
more animals


funny pictures of cats with captions
more animals


I know, cheap laughs, but good ones!

I will write something erudite and meaningful...another day.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

The Shamefaced Awards

There is so much incredibly horrible junk out there in the blogging world, it gives us a bad name. There are blogs that are sloppy, boring, inane, profane and some that are borderline illiterate.

When you offer up your blog address, people roll their eyes or, if they are more polite, give a tight little smile and say “Oh, sure, I would love to read your blog” while they are thinking “I would rather have my kidney removed through my nose.”

However, there is some work out there that is simply wonderful. Beautifully written, funny, thought provoking and touching. The good ones usually find each other too, so you can end up spending hours sometimes going from blog to blog, discovering a new voice and a new perspective with each one. It is like browsing in a great big library without leaving your chair.

Most bloggers are very generous as well. Generous enough to share their lives and their thoughts and their talent, but also gracious enough to share their praise. This is my LONG overdue post to describe some of the awards I have been honored with over the past several…um...months. Yes, I said months. That is where the shamefaced part comes in. What I should be getting an award for is Ingrate of the Decade.


AWARD THE FIRST
(what can I say? I've been watching too much Blackadder)


“Marie-I have an award for your blog at my place. You may pick it up whenever you wish. Congratulations.
~ tricia”



Tricia wrote those words on October 30, 2008 in her blog, Papercages.
Somehow I don’t think she intended “whenever you wish” to mean MORE THAN THREE MONTHS. But better late than never. No, I think that is a ridiculous saying, because the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. However, it is the thought that counts. AAAAGGGHHHH! Somebody stop me!!

Tricia’s award came with rules. I hate rules. They make my head hurt. But I will try to be a good girl, since she was nice enough to give me the award.

I am asked to nominate 7 other bloggers for the award. Here are some blogs that I really enjoy. Some of them are funny. Some of them are funny and wise. Some are gentle and thoughtful. Some are all of these. I was going to split them into categories, but God forbid I put someone in a ‘funny’ category when they think they should be in a ‘thoughtful’ category!! That would be horrible. “Here’s an award, let me hurt your feelings”. Yikes!

Anyway, here they are IN NO SPECIAL ORDER:

lilaphase

A Nice Place in the Sun

On the Verge

The Mother’s Handbook

Somewhere in New Jersey (Great pictures, too!)

Dead Rooster

What Were You Thinking?


AWARD THE SECOND

“I am pleased to give this award to my dear friend Marie. Reading Marie's blog has convinced me that a sense of humour and an ability to laugh at one's self will help a person get through most of life's problems. Please accept this award, Marie!”




This award is from my dear friend Manju, who lives in Mumbai. She is smart and perceptive and writes a wonderful blog, Of Cabbages and Kings , which opens a fascinating window on everyday life in India. Best of all, Manju’s award came with no rules!!


AWARD THE THIRD


Nicole is a relatively new reader to my blog and a very sweet person. She writes a blog about her life raising twin boys in One, Two Princes Stand Before You .

Nicole was kind enough to give me not one, but TWO awards.

Unfortunately, they came with rules!! EEEEECK! A LOT of rules. Ouch, my head. But she was nice enough to think of me, so I will give it my best.

The first thing is I have to tell are 10 Honest Scrap things about myself. Considering I already told all of you my New Year’s Eve Ball story, you can guess that I usually am mortifyingly honest in this blog. But let me see if I can come up with 10 things that aren’t too boring. Or humiliating.





1) I was born in New York City but I grew up mostly in the Bronx. Yet I do not have a New York accent.
2) I smother my eggs in ketchup, which I wasn’t allowed to do at home because my mother said it was vulgar.
3) I would rather read than clean the house.
4) If I had the money, my house would be floor to ceiling books.
5) If I thought I could manage it, I would have 100 cats. Or maybe even more.
6) I am extremely gullible.
7) I am very impatient about a lot of things, but I never mind waiting on lines.
8) I hate the summer, everything about it, the weather, the clothes, the food, everything, and I always have, even as a kid. I long for autumn every year.
9) I have a hard time throwing things away. Hey, you might need it in ten years, you never know!
10) Because I read a lot, I know a lot of trivia. My husband used to say I knew more useless shit than anyone he had ever met. He would say that because I always beat him at Trivial Pursuit. Sore loser.




Ok, now with this award I have to list 5 addictions. Easy peasy:

1) My children
2) My friends
3) My pets
4) Reading
5) Museums

And now, I have to give these awards to five other blogs.

Here are my choices:

The Witty Ways of a Wayward Wife ( I already gave Jane a well-deserved award once before, but she is one of my dearest blogging friends and has the BEST blog; plus, one can never have too many awards; plus plus, I am dying to hear Jane’s 10 Honest Things.)

The Junk Drawer

Papercages

Redhead Ranting

Kitchen Retro


AWARD THE FOURTH

There was another award granted to me by a lovely, generous reader. But the horrible thing is, I can’t remember who it was! See, Ingrate of the Decade. I didn’t make a note of it or bookmark the page and even though I have spent days going through blogs I might have read to find it, I have not been able to.

So I have created my own 'award', to be given to people we may offend or hurt, even when it is unintentional:

PLEASE FORGIVE
MY SORRY BUTT!