But then I remember. I’m not working anymore. People all over the country, all over the world, will look at their clocks and watches and computers at three minutes to two and think they better get a move on. But I’m not one of them. And with that realization my insides twitch even harder.
I am filling my days with cleaning and organizing. But I start one project, make an enormous mess, feel completely overwhelmed and then move on to another one. So the whole house now looks as though I’ve been burgled.
In between organizing, I knit and I read and I write and I job hunt. But those things overwhelm me too and I find I cannot do any of them for more than ten minutes at a time.
The job hunt feels so futile. I applied online for a position with a large managed care company. I sent the electronic submission at 10:58 am. At 11:04 am I received a thanks-but-no-thanks e-mail. The job description fit my résumé almost word for word. Yet somehow it still only took six minutes for them to reject me. I did not feel as though this boded well for my future employment potential. It makes me wonder if there is some secret, subliminal code in my CV that says “Don’t hire her; she’s a loser.” Or maybe there is a Ten Most Unwanted list that Human Resource Departments cross reference.
I am developing a Bad Attitude.
I had lunch with a high school friend that I hadn’t seen in years. Catching up meant many tales of woe. When we came out of the restaurant, I had a flat tire. This sweet woman was so upset for me. But to me, a flat tire is now the equivalent of breaking a nail. It still makes me smile a little bit to think she thought it was a big deal.
Basements full of sewage are a big deal.
No heat during a blizzard is a big deal.
Losing your job is a big deal.
A flat tire? Practically a lucky break.
Not that I’m bitter or anything.
I try to remind myself that life is good.
I still do believe that, but I have to work a little harder at it right now.
On the plus side, it is Spring.
2 comments:
You know Marie I have that overwhelming feeling when I look into my utility room! (Read "shithole" by the way). The place is crammed full of dirty laundry, shopping, football gear, tennis gear etc etc etc and usually a huge mountain of ironing. I open the door most mornings take one look and say "****** hell!" You see, I have no idea where to start, so being such a dedicated housewife as I am, I usually close the door and go have a cup of coffee instead:)
Hum..but guess you can't do that with the job applications huh? Okay, I'll make you deal; I'll keep my utility room tidy until you get a job. How's that? Now I will share your hell with you!! So get a darn move on with applications or you may see a headline;
"Woman found buried alive in huge pile of shirts; husband claims he is innocent."
It took years for my stomach to stop growling at 3:00 expecting its afternoon snack.
That's when we closed the doors of the bank and we all had a munch then.
I am sorry. When I first stopped working I baked. And baked and baked and baked. And slept.
I wish you luck on the job front and I send you goat hugs.
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