Online today I read an interesting statement. “When someone tells you they are going to be
brutally honest, “ it was observed, “they usually mean they are going to be
more brutal than honest.” It was a
timely remark, as I have recently been on the receiving end of just such a
verbal mugging.
Days before I was scheduled to have a malignant tumor
removed from my left breast, I received an e-mail from someone I loved and trusted
implicitly. It had been a while since I
had heard from them, but I hadn’t really given it much thought. It never occurred to me that something was
wrong, I just figured they were busy. Then
I discovered accidentally that this person was upset because I hadn’t called them
after they had some minor surgery. When
I learned this, I sent an e-mail to apologize.
I tried to explain what had been going on in my head and I asked, affectionately,
if we could put this behind us and move on.
Under ordinary circumstances, I told them, of course I would have
called. But the circumstances hadn’t
been ordinary. I had just discovered I
had cancer and I was out of my mind with fear.
One of the worst aspects of chronic and/or serious illness, I have found,
is how it can take over your life. While
you are acutely ill, it is easy to become very self-centered. I had multiple sclerosis, lymphedema that had
crippled my legs, a gall bladder abscess, which left me with a drain coming out
of my abdomen and, now, metastatic breast cancer.
I can no longer drive or walk more than a few steps. I am in constant, debilitating pain. My career and financial security have gone
up in smoke. With all this swirling
around me, I was consumed with anxiety and depression. So this person’s surgery, relatively minor
but, of course, important to them, just did not register on my radar screen.
I am ashamed and embarrassed to be so self-absorbed, but my
friends have expressed their understanding and have been supportive and patient
with my preoccupation. They know this
isn’t my usual nature and they are helping me ride it out as I find my way
through this health nightmare. Unfortunately,
unbeknownst to me, this one person had no such empathy and had been nurturing a
horde of grievances for months. They
were just being eaten alive by their growing anger. So they decided this was the perfect time to
let me have it. In response to my
conciliatory e-mail, under the guise of ‘being honest’, their devastating reply
contained a list, with dates, of my many, many, many faults and failings, going
back over a year. This was written with
such venom and bitterness I was literally left breathless. I was horrified by my perceived crimes, which
included my selfishness, my hygiene, my weight, my housekeeping, my decision
making, my life choices and my parenting.
I was even faulted for having cancer.
I was stunned by the malice.
And grieved that I had been so out of touch that I had no idea this
person had harbored such a consuming rage. Unaware,
I had readily trusted them with my most private thoughts, welcomed them into my
home, believed we were the closest of friends. Yet all the while they were seething with
resentment, blame and judgment that gradually escalated into a frenzy of 1600
furious, wounding words. Nowhere in the
message did they mention having any sympathy for me, there was only blame for how
my misfortune angered and embarrassed them.
My friends all offer, constantly, to help me with shopping, cleaning,
laundry, or just keeping me company. And
they do all these things for me cheerfully and generously. But another notable omission from the e-mail
was any indication of a desire to assist me in any way, except by telling me
what to do and what I had done wrong. It
actually had been like that for years.
But because I loved this person, I had chosen to turn a blind eye to that. Now, in the face of this brutal verbal
attack, I realized how blind I truly had been.
Almost immediately, the shock and hurt of this censure set
off a myriad of MS symptoms, which happens when I am particularly
stressed. A course of IV steroids is
what helps a bad MS relapse, but as I was heading into surgery, this was out of
the question. I realized I had to deal
with the situation with compassion yet as much distance as possible. I was devastated that I had upset this person
so much and, just as bad, had been so clueless about it. I sent a brief email in response. I did not even attempt to defend myself
against the accusations, which were a ranting mix of exaggerations,
unreasonable expectations and flat out fabrications. Here
I was at one of the lowest points of my life and this person chose to make sure
I knew they thought I was a gross, unsanitary, obese, selfish, slatternly
embarrassment. I knew it would be
pointless to initiate a debate and defensiveness was not what I wanted to
communicate anyway. I wanted to express
my shock and sadness at having been so out of touch. I couldn’t hide my distress at this terrible
battering by someone who purported to love me.
I ended my message by telling the person I would pray for them. I was praying that they would receive some
relief from the incredible anger they were holding. But I added, to my sorrow, please do not
contact me again, as their malicious words were simply too hard for me to move
past in the foreseeable future.
As the days passed I was haunted. Especially now that I have Stage IV cancer, I
have been giving a great deal of consideration to the life I have led and the
life I am leading. Life in general,
actually. What possesses a person to
launch an attack like that on anyone, never mind someone they supposedly love
and someone who was terribly ill? What did it take to choose the ugliest of
words, the most wounding accusations and fling them out there? Why would you want to intentionally hurt and
embarrass someone, anyone? Why do people
deliberately and casually do mean, even cruel or evil, things?
This whole concept prompted me to do some online reading. It was no surprise to find there are
practically as many reasons as there are people. But, excepting severe mental illness or brain
damage, a few common scenarios bubbled to the top. When it is a one-off thing, fairly uncommon
and out of character for the perpetrator, probably the most simple explanation
is that the sender is just plain old garden variety mad and is lashing out in
retaliation. For people who are
chronically abusive, elemental theory makes a case for low self-esteem. You feel bad, so making someone feel worse
will perk you right up, the kick-the-dog-syndrome. It is crucial to some people that they feel
“better” than those around them, prettier, thinner, more attractive, more
successful. If you are looking down on
someone, you must therefore be superior to them. Feeling superior helps to temporarily mask
feelings of insecurity and anxiety. And
feeling superior is essential to their self-worth. Another possibility is personality disorder,
especially narcissism. For a narcissist,
it is all about them. With little to no
empathy for others, they often don’t even realize how hurtful their words and
behavior are. There is the sad/mad deal too. The person feels sad or hurt but really has
never learned how to express that in a mature or effective way. So they lash out instead of discussing the
issue.
Who knows what the thought process was behind the terrible,
hurtful message I received? No matter what
the cause, what is sad and scary is how common and accepted meanness is,
whether it is being rude to a waitress, not holding a door, cutting someone off
in traffic - or writing a wounding e-mail.
I read Hannah Arendt’s “Eichmann
in Jerusalem: A Report on the Banality of Evil” while I was in college over
forty years ago and it made a huge impression on me.
Clearly my experience does not compare to the
Holocaust and I know Arendt’s reputation has declined over the past few
decades.
But the phrase she coined, “the
banality of evil”, from the first time I read it, has stuck with me.
Even though some now denounce it as a cliché,
I believe it is an apt and accurate definition.
Evil acts are not always, or even usually, done by drooling, crazed
maniacs.
Much of the cruelty in this
world is perpetrated by ordinary, and ordinary looking, every day people.
People who look just like you and me.
In fact, they often have been people just
like you and me.
And, I realized as I
was analyzing the question, in at least one case, it
was me.
I had a dreadful, bitter disagreement with my brother about
two years ago. We had not been close for
a long while. At the time, I believed he
had acted badly over something that had been important to me and I told him
just what I thought. I told him with few
words, but, to my disgrace, they were well chosen to inflict as much pain as
possible. He replied to that message,
but I didn’t read his response, so I’ll never know if he responded in kind or
kindly. I was already ashamed that I had
been intentionally spiteful and I did not want to perpetuate the negativity, so
I deleted his reply unread. We haven’t
spoken since.
I want to tell him how sorry I am, perhaps by post card, as he probably wouldn’t
read a letter. But I wonder if such a
gesture would be more self-serving than anything. We all know, unfortunately, being sorry or
saying I’m sorry does not undo the hurt we inflict. You can’t erase those words once you’ve seen
them or heard them or sent them. The
damage is done after they’re out there.
Human beings have such an enormous capacity for goodness and
compassion. How horrible that so often we
choose to be deliberately hurtful instead.
We do terrible things to each other on both a personal and a global
scale.
My mother once gave me this piece of wise advice: never, she said, put in writing something you
would not want to see on the front page of the newspaper. Although, sadly, I did not always follow her
caution, she was absolutely right. If
anyone else ever saw the horrible e-mail I sent my brother, they would be
shocked and I would be mortified.
Because no matter what he had done, no matter how angry I was, there is
no excuse for the awful things I said to him.
A reasonable adult would have stuck to the facts – I don’t like what you
did and I thought it was hurtful.
Instead, much like the malicious message I received, I went for the
maximum cruelty factor. It diminished
me. It made me an instrument of hatred
and discord. This is no news bulletin: if
more of us thought before we spoke, the world would be so much of a better
place.
In response to one of any number of atrocities in the world
(how grossly ironic that I cannot remember which one it was) I created this
banner for my blog several years ago:
Why is this so hard for the human race to do?
I will miss the person who hurt me so badly, but our
relationship has been irretrievably damaged.
While I am getting over the initial shock, the betrayal of trust has
left me sad and wary. At the very least it has given me a lot to
think about regarding the way we all treat each other. As I move forward, I hope I can remember, and
model, my own words.
Did you like what you read? Let others know. Thanks!
